Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled...

By mumblingdope - 25/5/2016 08:52 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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Miscellaneous

Nice neighborhood

Child labor

In my day…

By Ca13b - 15/10/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - 19/4/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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By t2t2sync - 3/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By Jason - 5/2/2018 15:30 - United States - Kenai

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

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By kaplwv116 - 27/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

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By sandi519 - 13/3/2012 03:10 - United States

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - 24/11/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 05:26 - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By dicedicebaby - 23/3/2015 00:20 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

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By ThatOneGirl646 - 12/1/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

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By lex - 14/2/2013 11:01 - United States

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

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By Fatty - 17/5/2011 02:12 - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By ari - 27/7/2019 20:00

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

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By Kath - 8/2/2009 13:55 - Poland

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2015 15:02 - Australia - Mangerton

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

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By GiWi - 18/11/2009 16:45 - Ireland

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

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By single&alone - 6/3/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

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By awilson - 11/9/2009 18:26 - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

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By smeeagain - 21/10/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2018 00:00

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

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By Shameful - 18/1/2012 19:57 - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 20:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

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By dammitvasquez - 12/5/2011 23:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2017 04:00

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

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By johnsj8 - 17/3/2011 15:11

Today, I was moving to the city with all my belongings when the trailer came unhitched, breaking the chains on my dad's homemade trailer. I then watched as the trailer narrowly missed a guardrail, went down a hill and into a river. My dad still won't admit he didn't latch the hitch. FML

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By Bacular - 6/2/2010 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

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By mael - 25/11/2008 08:54 - France

Today, I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By mylifeisfcked - 25/2/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, I sent out a note to 300 friends saying that I'm having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked to please write back if they are interested in going . . . two people answered...They said they can't make it. FML

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By a - 10/4/2013 19:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 07:55

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

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By chefdujour - 15/3/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 03:26 - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

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By Matti - 17/8/2018 22:00

Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML

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By Death By Parent - 19/7/2014 22:38 - United States

Today, I was browsing the People of Walmart site, chuckling at all the weirdos on there, when I came across a picture of my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 23:48 - France

Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

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By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/9/2020 05:02

Great move

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

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By Samantha35 - 28/1/2019 20:00

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turn around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

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Top comments

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6614599 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

♪♫ The best part of waking up, is Folger's on your junk♪♫

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6614600 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

"How do you like your coffee sir?"
OP: "I don't care. I'm just going to spill it anyway"

COMMENTS

By UserDoesNotExist | 12

#6614591 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:38

Ouch, sorry OP. Chairs are evil creatures sometimes and can catch us at the wrong times.

By AliGInTheHouse | 24

#6614593 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:40

Change your method of waking up to that if it works

By trucker2 | 33

#6614594 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:41

Hot and bothered just roll with it

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6614599 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

♪♫ The best part of waking up, is Folger's on your junk♪♫

tin_cup | 27

#6614773 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:26

Brilliant!!!!!

RachelLo | 4

#6614964 - Thursday 26 May 2016 2:46

Lmao!!

RachelLo | 4

#6614968 - Thursday 26 May 2016 2:49

Lmao!! ????

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6614600 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

"How do you like your coffee sir?"
OP: "I don't care. I'm just going to spill it anyway"

negb | 30

#6614865 - Thursday 26 May 2016 0:11

I should start offering "coffee on your crotch" at the cafe I work at!

By Anonymousbeing | 15

#6614604 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:46

Look on the bright side, at least you have some cooked sausage.

By feven | 32

#6614606 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:47

A͎t͎ l͎e͎a͎s͎t͎ y͎o͎u͎ w͎o͎k͎e͎ u͎p͎ r͎i͎g͎h͎t͎?

feven | 32

#6614609 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:49

Am I seeing things?

Sora_McKain | 36

#6614729 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 20:11

What is up with those arrows?

feven | 32

#6614775 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:28

#13 Its my phone messing with me.

By Grisha_fml | 18

#6614626 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 18:23

so technically the coffee worked...

By farmgirl98 | 14

#6614660 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 18:57

There's always a silver lining, glad you found yours op!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#6614668 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:12

So does that mean this a cup half full or half empty kind of day?