Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled...

By mumblingdope - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

People are strange

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

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By oh god why

Precision flinging

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

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By Anonymous

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By goodeyesight - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

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By Savingforplasticsurgery

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

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By Anonymous

The Candidate

Today, my sister-in-law announced she would like me to be her surrogate, so that her body doesn't look like a stretched wobbly mess after childbirth. Apparently, I'm a perfect candidate, as "we won't see a difference." FML

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By Dirtbikesnowboard - United States - Cedar City

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

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By sigh - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

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By jaa319 - United States

Today, a customer asked for my manager's number, my bosses number, corporate's number and filled out a complaint form, all because we kindly asked him not to sit his kid on the counter due to safety concerns. FML

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By Badab1ng - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

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By Dexter_39476 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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By shopper242 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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By steffansk1997

Today, I had an appointment with the CEO of a big company about a game I'm going to make for them. The first thing I did after sitting down was to throw my coffee all over his desk. FML

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By baddoggy - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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By Pixel - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

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By lonelyman - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

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By QueueJumper - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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38468

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By elizabeth - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home to my mother-in-law wearing the gold chain which I usually keep in a hidden drawer. I searched my drawer only to find out my chain was missing. I asked my mother-in-law if she took it and she keeps denying the fact that she stole it from me. My husband is on her side. FML

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By sad-boing - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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By homealone - Canada

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in a coffee shop when the weird guy who had been pacing the store talking to himself approached our table. He looked at me, and in all seriousness, said, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your butt crack is showing." FML

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By bitter cherry - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By seriously - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By evil Santa - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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By stillembarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By esk - China

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By WretchedOwls - United States - Barberton

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

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By Anonymous

Call the FBI on her ass

Today, I got home from work to I find my cash box open and empty. My mom walked up and said, "If you have a lock that easy to pick, you don't deserve the money." There was 650 dollars in there. She refuses to give it back. FML

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By Mojo0608 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my 16-year-old brother once again scored well at a local archery competition. He got home and, once again, unleashed his "spectacular aim" at the toilet - or rather the toilet seat and surrounding floor. He refuses to clean the bathroom we share every single time he does this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

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27286

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML

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By SpiderFather - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By pokie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

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By No thank you - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By Honey Badger - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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Top comments

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6614599 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

♪♫ The best part of waking up, is Folger's on your junk♪♫

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6614600 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

"How do you like your coffee sir?"
OP: "I don't care. I'm just going to spill it anyway"

COMMENTS

By UserDoesNotExist | 12

#6614591 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:38

Ouch, sorry OP. Chairs are evil creatures sometimes and can catch us at the wrong times.

By AliGInTheHouse | 24

#6614593 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:40

Change your method of waking up to that if it works

By trucker2 | 33

#6614594 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:41

Hot and bothered just roll with it

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6614599 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

♪♫ The best part of waking up, is Folger's on your junk♪♫

tin_cup | 27

#6614773 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:26

Brilliant!!!!!

RachelLo | 4

#6614964 - Thursday 26 May 2016 2:46

Lmao!!

RachelLo | 4

#6614968 - Thursday 26 May 2016 2:49

Lmao!! ????

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6614600 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

"How do you like your coffee sir?"
OP: "I don't care. I'm just going to spill it anyway"

negb | 30

#6614865 - Thursday 26 May 2016 0:11

I should start offering "coffee on your crotch" at the cafe I work at!

By Anonymousbeing | 15

#6614604 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:46

Look on the bright side, at least you have some cooked sausage.

By feven | 32

#6614606 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:47

A͎t͎ l͎e͎a͎s͎t͎ y͎o͎u͎ w͎o͎k͎e͎ u͎p͎ r͎i͎g͎h͎t͎?

feven | 32

#6614609 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:49

Am I seeing things?

Sora_McKain | 36

#6614729 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 20:11

What is up with those arrows?

feven | 32

#6614775 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:28

#13 Its my phone messing with me.

By Grisha_fml | 18

#6614626 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 18:23

so technically the coffee worked...

By farmgirl98 | 14

#6614660 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 18:57

There's always a silver lining, glad you found yours op!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#6614668 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:12

So does that mean this a cup half full or half empty kind of day?