Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled...

By mumblingdope - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Fancy a pint?

By perfectlybrokenx - Canada

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

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By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By Phil - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

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By Jessy - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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By troubled - France

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

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By Shawna - United States

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By Stiny - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

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By anonymous neighbor - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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By mareecasellafml - Australia - Belrose

Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous

Hoarders Gonna Hoard

Today, I was helping my uncle clean his house. He's a bit of a hoarder, so I suggested donating some of his pots. We got into a fight and I left. He then called my mom to claim that I stole his pots. After being yelled at he realized that they were in his dishwasher. FML

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By crazycat - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

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By markerThief - United States - Apple Valley

Truth hurts

Today, I jokingly told my friend that I was the kid who stole his brand new glow-in-the-dark markers back in kindergarten. Now he's ignoring my texts and calls and says we're through. So much for our twelve years of friendship. FML

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By Lennyr - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

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By idontevencareanymore - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 02:12

Grand Old Irony

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

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By Silverfeathery - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

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By oink401 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

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By meh - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to get a baby tooth which had decayed removed. After almost an hour, I came out with a numb mouth and a missing tooth for life. It was not a baby tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

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By Joey - United States

Today, my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away. He took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself, including my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

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By sullry

Great solution

Today, I had a talk with my roommate that last semester my grades took a bit because he stays up late every night playing video games. And then asked him about playing less, so I can get more sleep. Today also, he gave me a pair of ear plugs and asked if they would solve the problem. FML

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By pimpslaprequired - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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By sexysue - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 23:00

Slip of the tongue

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

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By Neednewfriends - Australia

Today, I found out that my "friends" only invite me to their parties when they need a designated driver. Apparently I'm "not fun" because I don't drink, which "ruins the party". FML

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By BLEACH Gum

Great Success

Today, I decided to finally bleach my teeth. After 45 minutes of stinging pain, my teeth are still yellow as ever. My gums, on the other hand, are opaque white. FML

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By habsgurl0622 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

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By Ciabatta - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

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By dEpPrEsSeDgIrL - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean my 20 gallon fish tank. I had 6 fish. One of them was called a transparent fish, clear with a bright orange tail, which was my favorite. My dad didn't see it, and dumped the water out along with it. FML

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By catgiraffegirl - United States

Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML

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By "breejanai"

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chicken pox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

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By anon - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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Top comments

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6614599 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

♪♫ The best part of waking up, is Folger's on your junk♪♫

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6614600 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

"How do you like your coffee sir?"
OP: "I don't care. I'm just going to spill it anyway"

COMMENTS

By UserDoesNotExist | 12

#6614591 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:38

Ouch, sorry OP. Chairs are evil creatures sometimes and can catch us at the wrong times.

By AliGInTheHouse | 24

#6614593 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:40

Change your method of waking up to that if it works

By trucker2 | 33

#6614594 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:41

Hot and bothered just roll with it

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6614599 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

♪♫ The best part of waking up, is Folger's on your junk♪♫

tin_cup | 27

#6614773 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:26

Brilliant!!!!!

RachelLo | 4

#6614964 - Thursday 26 May 2016 2:46

Lmao!!

RachelLo | 4

#6614968 - Thursday 26 May 2016 2:49

Lmao!! ????

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6614600 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:44

"How do you like your coffee sir?"
OP: "I don't care. I'm just going to spill it anyway"

negb | 30

#6614865 - Thursday 26 May 2016 0:11

I should start offering "coffee on your crotch" at the cafe I work at!

By Anonymousbeing | 15

#6614604 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:46

Look on the bright side, at least you have some cooked sausage.

By feven | 32

#6614606 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:47

A͎t͎ l͎e͎a͎s͎t͎ y͎o͎u͎ w͎o͎k͎e͎ u͎p͎ r͎i͎g͎h͎t͎?

feven | 32

#6614609 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:49

Am I seeing things?

Sora_McKain | 36

#6614729 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 20:11

What is up with those arrows?

feven | 32

#6614775 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:28

#13 Its my phone messing with me.

By Grisha_fml | 18

#6614626 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 18:23

so technically the coffee worked...

By farmgirl98 | 14

#6614660 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 18:57

There's always a silver lining, glad you found yours op!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#6614668 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 19:12

So does that mean this a cup half full or half empty kind of day?