Miscellaneous: Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 253

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 123

20/05/2009 19:53

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 472

You deserved it 7 476

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Sorry…

Cognitive dissonance

23/01/2015 16:41

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 639

You deserved it 2 714

12/11/2008 08:10

Today, I remember the first night I spent with my first English boyfriend. I'm French, and when we woke up, I said in my most sexy voice "Oh, I'm so dirty!" It's only when he left that I finally understood the look on his face; I wanted to have a glass of water. I was thirsty, not dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 705

You deserved it 7 961

02/04/2013 22:52

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 953

You deserved it 72 158

31/10/2012 11:30

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow bar maid asked how we are supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 610

You deserved it 2 268

13/06/2016 04:40

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 978

You deserved it 3 167

03/11/2016 04:49

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 825

You deserved it 1 015

04/04/2013 07:12

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 202

You deserved it 2 410

26/02/2010 03:05

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 299

You deserved it 3 574

23/06/2019 12:30

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 189

You deserved it 341

20/02/2010 16:22

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 634

You deserved it 3 908

05/09/2010 15:49

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 681

You deserved it 5 284

08/07/2009 17:52

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 850

You deserved it 39 127

02/04/2009 10:28

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 951

You deserved it 30 988

11/11/2013 01:52

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 312

You deserved it 5 480

Not now!

By Victim - 27/06/2009 13:47

Today, at lifeguard class, I played a victim while my peers strapped me to the backboard in the water. When I was strapped down, I got wood in a wet swimsuit. My hands were strapped down so I could do nothing to hide it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 315

You deserved it 10 043

16/07/2019 06:00

Today, after my girlfriend told her mother that she is seeing a different guy than me because her mother doesn’t approve of me, I learned that she is also seeing said guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 117

05/11/2018 22:00

Today, my dad is refusing to let me marry my fiancé because he said no when my dad asked for a loan of £10,000 to help clear some gambling debts. Apparently that shows my fiancé has poor family values and will be a bad father and an alcoholic husband. Impressive logical thinking there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 530

You deserved it 331

Where's my dog?

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 02:00

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the dog sitter I'd left him with while I was on vacation. When I arrived at her house to pick him up, she said, "I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about." and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t "leave her premises for trespassing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 96

14/06/2011 01:46

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 542

You deserved it 12 770

23/01/2009 15:12

Today, I invited this guy I fooled around with over to "hang out". He's "en route", so I start to make my bed only to find my cat thought this was the best time to tell me she's sick by throwing up in my bed. I only have one set of linen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 769

You deserved it 7 114

08/01/2011 06:38

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 127

You deserved it 4 937

16/06/2018 20:30

Today, it's the 11th day of my migraine. I've drunk enough water to piss crystal clear, eaten every type of food there is, slept for days, and tried every remedy in my medicine cabinet. Nothing made a dent in the splitting pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 824

You deserved it 257

15/06/2011 18:00

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 954

You deserved it 12 748

20/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 114

You deserved it 4 361

30/09/2009 09:03

Today, I fell asleep during my division emergency meeting. As I about to head home that evening, my boss patted me on the back saying "Wrong move. Good luck". Turned out, it was a meeting to determine who will be kicked out of the company due to recession. My name was written first on the list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 879

You deserved it 54 349

31/08/2018 22:00

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 542

You deserved it 1 454

Mexican Standoff

By JillianJuneBug - 17/08/2019 18:00

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 580

01/07/2012 17:09

Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 248

You deserved it 30 116

21/11/2015 06:39

Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 651

You deserved it 6 817

10/02/2014 18:57

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 22 095

Party blues

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:33

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 183

You deserved it 16 633

25/02/2014 21:59

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 407

You deserved it 5 395

30/05/2018 15:00

Today, my wife informed me that she wants a boyfriend but doesn't want a divorce. Also, apparently I'm horrible for not "respecting her feelings" when I told her she can't have both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 555

You deserved it 279

29/05/2015 13:04

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 620

You deserved it 8 956

01/01/2013 21:33

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 150

You deserved it 6 524

I'll take what I can get

By Queen LaQueefah - 13/09/2015 11:52

Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 012

You deserved it 3 364

25/07/2011 02:34

Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I'd been gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 386

You deserved it 3 942

16/04/2012 22:00

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 791

You deserved it 5 854

Privacy

By silver bear - 15/05/2021 17:00

Today, my dad saw my cleared internet history and said, "You do know we can still track your history with your IP address, right?" I don’t ever look at porn or anything like that. I just don’t want other people knowing all my business all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 95

04/08/2017 00:30

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 171

You deserved it 2 361

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Top comments

the_boss_fml 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:09

its not like youll need to be using it, if you still live with your mom

Peanu_theGreat 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:08

... You were naked?

Comments

pwnrzero 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:06

fyl

MeowingKat 0

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Monday 13 June 2011 20:56

at least you got a mars bar?

Will09 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:07

PENIS BURN

Peanu_theGreat 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:08

... You were naked?

todo350 0

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Monday 28 June 2010 20:39

i was just thinking that :s

020266t 5

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 12:38

bitch I would have called the cops and said she threw the coffee. plus there's proof...

Tracy_Evans 2

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Monday 23 May 2011 6:28

"bare legs". Were you only wearing a speedo/briefs or something?

heyitsyourmother 3

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 20:45

^ SPEEDO!

HBoks 7

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Friday 1 July 2011 19:41

it probably went through his pantss!

Emma Marshall 19

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Saturday 30 June 2018 23:39

Cuz coffee doesn't go through clothing or anything

the_boss_fml 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:09

its not like youll need to be using it, if you still live with your mom

izzy1505 0

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Monday 6 December 2010 8:44

lmao so right

Sweej 1

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Monday 8 August 2011 18:48

WIN

Will09 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

wait where were ur pants like did the coffee like penetrate or something

choppedNskrewed 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

4 FTW hah. FYL though.

pinkdinosaur64 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

lol, #4. and why would you be naked with your mom right there? and if you werent naked how did you burn your penis?

NeonBubblez 6

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Thursday 29 September 2011 4:31

He was probably wearing boxers... And they are pretty thin...

raged_fml 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

OWNED BY MUM

drkwlf 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:13

.. Hot coffee can still burn you through clothes you fucking retards.

nomorehope 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:13

your moms gott good aim lol