Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided...

By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/9/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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Miscellaneous

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Abuse

Night terrors

By sillybrohos - 15/2/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

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By GogurtBadass - 18/9/2013 16:55 - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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By nude - 15/1/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

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By Yudith - 16/10/2019 00:01

Potholes

Today, I ran to catch the night bus which passes every hour, when it unexpectedly passed its stop and turned right. I ran faster, only to trip on a roadwork sign and scrape both knees on the half-rebuilt road, ruining my new yoga pants in the process. FML

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By Puggle1019 - 17/7/2018 20:30

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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By taz - 5/10/2018 15:30

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By windshitwipers - 30/5/2013 09:41 - United States - Denver

Today, I found shit on my windshield. I'm not sure if it is human or animal, but it was conveniently smeared all over and even more was placed under my wipers just in case I used them to clean it up. This isn't the first time, and I have no idea who I could have pissed off. FML

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By tycrist8 - 26/6/2015 23:32 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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By rink.attendant.6 - 21/6/2012 15:40 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

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By Screwed - 9/11/2012 04:02 - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 15:49 - Canada

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

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By H4rd_Man - 1/11/2009 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months." FML

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By Kris - 6/12/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I found my iPhone. Too bad it was when I was getting my clothes out of the washer. FML

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By englishornah - 23/4/2015 02:53 - United States - Somerset

Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML

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By Noname - 19/1/2009 09:21 - United States

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 06:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

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By Regina - 3/7/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

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By say my name - 1/7/2012 01:35

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 22:00

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By Hard in flip flops - 21/1/2018 06:00

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

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By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

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By Simon - 30/12/2009 11:14 - France

Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2015 07:28 - United States - Plainview

Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML

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By ew - 3/11/2015 15:43 - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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By anon - 6/1/2015 00:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

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By YOURMOM - 31/12/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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By steffansk1997 - 15/12/2016 21:08

Today, I had an appointment with the CEO of a big company about a game I'm going to make for them. The first thing I did after sitting down was to throw my coffee all over his desk. FML

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By ginger - 19/8/2011 10:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

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By Hunter - 6/12/2010 06:17

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

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By frenchie12 - 24/3/2019 02:00

Today I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roomate cat with it so I chased him and he escaped. My roomate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

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By nannynomore - 10/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

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By GogglesGoggles - 23/12/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

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By bamrd - 1/7/2016 01:20 - United States - Boulder

Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML

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By dajfleasd - 25/7/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a date. I spent extra time getting ready in the shower, making sure I was all shaved. I was shaving my upper lip to make sure I didn't have a mustache. I cut my lip really badly, leaving the most noticable razor cut on my face for my date. I'm a girl. FML

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By theatreismylife - 27/4/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

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By Mitcha857 - 30/7/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

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Top comments

By LaBooskie | 1

#4973386 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:53

Funny dad.

By Doortje | 28

#4973378 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:52

Well YOUR teacher does.

COMMENTS

By lollovelife0304 | 3

#4973376 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:52

Sucks for you!

hotshot2626 | 9

#4973518 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:28

Haha idk, I mean it shows op's dad cares. Just in a slightly juvenile way. Personally I would have just waited till open house.

iiAntheA17 | 7

#4974182 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 14:01

If someone says that one more time, they're going to get round house kicked in the face.

klovemachine | 24

#4974269 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 14:45

Yeah, good luck with that 33 :D

iiAntheA17 | 7

#4977791 - Thursday 27 September 2012 14:09

I don't need luck. I have magical unicorns that will take me anywhere I need to go, to kick them in the face. But thanks for the luck though (:

By Doortje | 28

#4973378 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:52

Well YOUR teacher does.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4973545 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:54

It seems like a smart idea to see if the teachers are paying attention. OP, your dads smart, at your expense. Haha.

By LaBooskie | 1

#4973386 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:53

Funny dad.

HeyArnold91 | 8

#4973650 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 10:36

I would hi-five my dad if he had a sense of humor like that.

By kearsleyz | 10

#4973395 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:55

Classic

By daringtoride | 27

#4973410 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:57

Sorry, OP, but this is pretty funny. One of those moments when it's funny unless it's happening to you :') Speaking of, hilarious dad!

By st333ph | 12

#4973414 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:59

Your dad is legendary! HAHAHA

By Zya_fml | 8

#4973419 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:01

What a stupid way to figure out if the teachers pay attention what the stupids hand in. I hope your dad was honest and admitted. if not then fuck your life.

bugmenotmofo | 34

#4974874 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 18:03

Here comes Captain Killjoy.

TomPusslicker | 21

#4974907 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 18:21

Always makes me think of Buzz Killington.lol

By Forlorn420 | 9

#4973428 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:03

That's a great idea lol

By JustKittyKat | 24

#4973430 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:04

I am trying to imagine the look on the principle's face when he/she finds out that the dad did actually sign that.
Oh how I wish some FML's could include photos.

Quinn32 | 16

#4975821 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 23:24

principal*

JustKittyKat | 24

#4976321 - Thursday 27 September 2012 1:49

Whelp, that was my autocorrect.

By perdix | 29

#4973440 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:05

Are you sure he's not a pre-op transsexual?

I don't know of many men who are proud of their moobs, but there's always a first for everything.

gc327072 | 29

#4974257 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 14:40

Perdix: always traversing the strangest of social avenues in the name of humor.

perdix | 29

#4974420 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 15:47

Yep, when I got here, the comments sections were clogged with "That sucks" and "YDI for being a whore!"

I'd like to think that I contributed in some small way to the improved quality and creativity of comments here.

TrueTriage | 16

#4975380 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 20:30

Define quality.
Creative I tip my hat to you Sir Perdix.