Miscellaneous: Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided...

By PerpetuallyHappy - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

And today, on Dr Phil…

Living my best life

By richardmrcs - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML

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By BigSister - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

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By Anonymous

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By boylookingirl - United States

Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML

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By fatman - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

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By Pill popping zit monster

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife admitted that she purposefully starts fights with me purely because she enjoys arguing and seeing me flustered. Don't marry a lawyer. FML

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By emilyupsidedown - United States

Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML

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By badtiming - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I received a rejection letter from a job I desperately wanted. Yesterday, the job offer I'd been stalling on in while waiting for news about this one expired. FML

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By sirswank

Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML

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By Robert

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By No O-face - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By Skullie - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

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By Katherine - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

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By itsellie27 - United Kingdom - London

Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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By Señor Guapo - United States

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

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By beer guy

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

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By not even - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

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By 404: sense not found - United States - San Francisco

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

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By rebeccaremily - Canada

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

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By phonesage - United States

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

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By Black Cat 13 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By maggu - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

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By mee - 10/10/2020 05:01

Messed up

Today, I started new meds because I’ve been emotionally numb since I was 14. I never learned how to manage real feelings and I’m on a rollercoaster that involves crying over nothing, feeling jealous of my husband’s Xbox, and getting angry at inanimate objects. Is there a return policy on this? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By weezel - South Africa

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML

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By grossedout - United States

Today, I was helping an old lady at my job. While I was in mid-sentence, she coughed wet phlegm directly into my mouth. It tasted vile and caused me to have a panic attack while working. FML

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By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - United States

Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

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By grubbieduc - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

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By EosHelios - United States - Halethorpe

Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

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By LZapped - United States - Mundelein

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

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By x - Canada

Today, I spent 65 dollars in cab fare and skipped half of my grade 12 classes, including a unit test, to see my girlfriend on our two year anniversary. I arrived just in time to see her kiss her other boyfriend of over a year good bye. FML

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By prego - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

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Top comments

By LaBooskie | 1

#4973386 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:53

Funny dad.

By Doortje | 29

#4973378 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:52

Well YOUR teacher does.

COMMENTS

By lollovelife0304 | 3

#4973376 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:52

Sucks for you!

hotshot2626 | 9

#4973518 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:28

Haha idk, I mean it shows op's dad cares. Just in a slightly juvenile way. Personally I would have just waited till open house.

iiAntheA17 | 7

#4974182 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 14:01

If someone says that one more time, they're going to get round house kicked in the face.

klovemachine | 24

#4974269 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 14:45

Yeah, good luck with that 33 :D

iiAntheA17 | 7

#4977791 - Thursday 27 September 2012 14:09

I don't need luck. I have magical unicorns that will take me anywhere I need to go, to kick them in the face. But thanks for the luck though (:

By Doortje | 29

#4973378 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:52

Well YOUR teacher does.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4973545 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:54

It seems like a smart idea to see if the teachers are paying attention. OP, your dads smart, at your expense. Haha.

By LaBooskie | 1

#4973386 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:53

Funny dad.

HeyArnold91 | 8

#4973650 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 10:36

I would hi-five my dad if he had a sense of humor like that.

By kearsleyz | 10

#4973395 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:55

Classic

By daringtoride | 27

#4973410 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:57

Sorry, OP, but this is pretty funny. One of those moments when it's funny unless it's happening to you :') Speaking of, hilarious dad!

By st333ph | 12

#4973414 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 8:59

Your dad is legendary! HAHAHA

By Zya_fml | 8

#4973419 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:01

What a stupid way to figure out if the teachers pay attention what the stupids hand in. I hope your dad was honest and admitted. if not then fuck your life.

bugmenotmofo | 34

#4974874 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 18:03

Here comes Captain Killjoy.

TomPusslicker | 21

#4974907 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 18:21

Always makes me think of Buzz Killington.lol

By Forlorn420 | 9

#4973428 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:03

That's a great idea lol

By JustKittyKat | 24

#4973430 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:04

I am trying to imagine the look on the principle's face when he/she finds out that the dad did actually sign that.
Oh how I wish some FML's could include photos.

Quinn32 | 16

#4975821 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 23:24

principal*

JustKittyKat | 24

#4976321 - Thursday 27 September 2012 1:49

Whelp, that was my autocorrect.

By perdix | 29

#4973440 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 9:05

Are you sure he's not a pre-op transsexual?

I don't know of many men who are proud of their moobs, but there's always a first for everything.

gc327072 | 29

#4974257 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 14:40

Perdix: always traversing the strangest of social avenues in the name of humor.

perdix | 29

#4974420 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 15:47

Yep, when I got here, the comments sections were clogged with "That sucks" and "YDI for being a whore!"

I'd like to think that I contributed in some small way to the improved quality and creativity of comments here.

TrueTriage | 16

#4975380 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 20:30

Define quality.
Creative I tip my hat to you Sir Perdix.