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Add a comment - Reply to : #
Well its kinda crazy that he didn't tell you sooner or you didn't find out, but how old are you guys? That's a really big factor!
9- Actually I would say that's a pretty big deal! If he didn't want OP to meet his son too soon, that's fine, but he should have definitely talked about it at this point in your relationship! Maybe not first or second date, but OP definitely has a right to know he has a child. Also, his son should be one of the most important things in his life,. That he kept it a secret from you for so long is very troubling indeed. OP shouldn't dump him, but a serious conversation is Definetly warranted.
If he's not actively in the child's life it's NOT a big deal. And I'm betting if he was, she would definitely have noticed before now. Would you expect someone to disclose any previous miscarriages and adoptions too? Perhaps he wasn't sure if she was serious about him, or if this was going somewhere permanent and wasn't sure whether bringing up his son was a smart move just yet. OP, make sure you have a long talk with him (like calm and reasonable adults) before flying off the handle about his secret. Maybe he had a good reason (to him) about why he kept this from you for so long.
I said BEFORE flying off the handle, as in, don't dump his ass before he has a chance to explain? Posting a FML is not flying off the handle, but that's not to say she didn't or doesn't plan to rail on him for his omission. And if he didn't know he had a son and has never met him, then yes, I can see why he hadn't told the OP just yet when he himself is most likely still sorting things out. I can understand why she'd be upset (and as someone who doesn't ever want kids I can also understand why this would be a deal breaker for her) but to me a child who's not in his life is on par with a miscarriage or a adoption. They don't affect the current relationship which means they're not OP's business unless he decides to share that information with her.
If the boyfriend is young, it's perhaps not such a big deal; who would want the judgment that so often comes with being a young parent? Society can be a cruel bastard, and judge people for their situations, if the boyfriend thought it would affect his relationship with OP, I can see why perhaps he didn't tell her. On the other hand, seven months is a long time. Should've cropped up by now. It's a bit of a grey area without further details.
48 & 50: I'm not trying to say that this guy is off the hook, and I agree that he ought to have told the OP about this sooner. That said, I'm going to assume he had a reason for not being upfront about this--maybe he's not on good terms with the mother and isn't even sure of the paternity. What I'm really trying to say is that this guy deserves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to his kid, even though he fucked up by not telling the OP a little sooner. Communication is the solution!
Disclosing that you have a child is a huge deal. If he plays active role in the child's life then op would have to be prepared to also have a child in her life. If he doesn't then it perhaps says a lot about his character. As for miscarriages and abortions, let's say he wants to have more kids then not ever mentioning that she has had several miscarriages and can't carry a child full term might also be unfair to him. Or that she is 21 and had an abortion every year since she was 15 would say a lot about how responsible she is. Then would he want to bring op into his child's life if op was that irresponsible? I'm not saying I'm right here just a couple of theories. But I guess the moral of the story is be honest.
111, I agree that you should talk to him about it before dumping him, but the rest of it sounds like you think him having "a reason" for not disclosing it means she shouldn't leave him. I definitely agree that disclosing you have a child can ruin things, and being hesitant to do so is completely understandable. Wanting to leave it a few weeks, sure, the dating world is tough and that's fine. It has been seven months, and the only reason it was brought up is because they stumble upon a photo, that is bullshit.
132: I think he fucked up, no doubt about that, but you're right: I am giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. I guess my perspective is based on my buddy's situation, where he doesn't see his daughter because the abusive, cheating, psycho mom moved across the country with her. It's a bad situation all around, but it reminds me that there's always two sides to the story. Of course, there's still no excuse for not being forthcoming. I'm just making the assumption that the OP's BF had the best intentions in doing so, rather than assuming he's a douchebag.
Now that's scary. I feel as though this is a definite first or second date type thing considering how huge a big deal it is.
I completely agree with #108. We don't know enough about the OP's relationship with her BF nor her BF's relationship with his son to make a fair judgement here. It's reasonable to say he shoulda told her sooner, but it's also reasonable to assume he was making a decision that he thought was best for his son.
Dump him. If he didn't tell you in the first place, then he's not trustworthy enough to be in a relationship with.
Maybe he didn't want her judging him for having a kid, that usually is a deal breaker right away for some people so he waited till he thought he felt comforable in telling her. Still sorta a selfish move on his part but he was probally really nervous in telling her.
I personally would end it. 7 months is along time to hide something that big. An deveryone saying well maybe he's not involved in his life that much for it to matter, then that makes him a deadbeat dad that I don't want to be in a relationship with. Not telling someone after 7 months says he's not serious about you.
94 - Why would that make him a deadbeat dad? Maybe the sons mother didn't want them to meet. Maybe she was too proud to accept help? Maybe she got very bad post natal depression and cut him out? I was brought up without my biological father, my mum says he sent money, he tried to see me but she sent it all back and refused all his help. For all we know, he didn't even know this kid existed and was trying to find a good time to bring it up with OP.
@124 "Whatever the relationship with the mother is you have to fight for the right to be with the kid unless you're abusive to him/ her which would still be a red flag for the OP." See, I can't agree with this. Some people just don't want children, and sometimes accidents DO happen. He has no right to tell the mother not to have the child (bodily autonomy and all that good stuff) but he does has every right not to be a part of the child's life as long as he does his part monetarily (since he IS still responsible for creating said life). Not 'fighting' for the right to be with a kid you don't want doesn't make you a bad person. It's unfortunate for the child in some ways, yes. But as long as he's not a deadbeat and the child is taken care of, then that's his decision. And obviously he's not still with the mother if he didn't even know she was pregnant.
Ya, he should have told you that he had a mini me a long time ago... Honestly if he didn't tell you that he had a son, what else is he not telling you. Red flag.
Are you stupid? After seven months of being with someone that's not how you develop a relationship "slowly." You want a slow relationship that's great! But a slow relationship means not jumping into things too fast like sex or moving in together or marriage. A KID is something you HAVE to tell your partner at the start so you can develop that relationship on trust. By not telling her he has a son, and having her find it out on her own implies that he ha no plans on telling her at all. So yes that is lying. For several months, lying. RED FLAG.
Purposeful omission is still lying in my book. Not telling her for 7 months that he had a child is lying about it. Claiming that it just didn't come up doesn't cut it. Common sense says she should have been told sooner & not found out like that. Very damaging to the trust in that relationship.
If she were to leave him, I think her reason were justified, probably, she would just not like to deal with a child, nothing wrong with that. But if she were to stay, that would probably indicate that she didn't care. But here it is on FML, so...
If it had been a case of not meeting the child, it's a little understandable that he might be trying to protect his son from becoming confused at having another adult in his life in those particular circumstances. It's even possible that the mother didn't want him to introduce strange women to their child without her knowledge or approval, which is perfectly fair. What is a little curious is the fact he didn't even mention it, and that you found out apparently by accident. If your relationship started out as a no-strings fling, maybe he couldn't find an appropriate time after it grew into something more serious. On the other hand, maybe he doesn't expect your relationship to be long-term enough to bother even after seven months. Anyone can speculate, but it would be better for you to talk to him about it than go on the internet and hope other people find out the answer for you. But yes, it does kinda suck.