By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 20:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Age ain't nothing but a number

Compassion

By cxcrktkt - 12/4/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, my ten year old son realized something. Beer is alcohol. People who drink a lot of alcohol are alcoholics. Therefore I am an alcoholic for drinking beer with dinner. He told everyone at his conservative private school and they tried to have an intervention. They pray for me every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 13:17 - United States - Waldorf

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four month old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

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By urgg - 5/9/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 00:30 - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By IronMonkey - 9/6/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2018 12:00

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By whattabrat - 26/2/2012 05:16 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

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By blue - 25/8/2012 21:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML

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By Trouble - 11/4/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

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By Nicole - 20/2/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

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By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

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By pissed off mother - 5/5/2016 17:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

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By anon - 24/5/2012 18:59 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

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By alphabetman - 14/9/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:08 - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes "betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

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By Smash_Mouth - 8/3/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

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By Angus - 17/9/2015 19:48 - France

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

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By pyook - 6/9/2018 23:30

My Bucket

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

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By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By Des - 18/6/2018 15:00

Today, my new neighbors moved in across the street. Also today, they began to park at the end of my driveway. Not used to a car being there, I backed out and promptly hit it. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 08:47 - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

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By dangerousknitter - 8/10/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

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By keerta_fml - 4/5/2017 02:00

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By Ex-girlfried - 6/9/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

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By super maman - 30/9/2014 03:08 - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By peevedMcGee - 23/11/2018 17:30

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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By phoneless - 17/4/2012 19:23 - Jordan

Today, I bought my first iPhone. Today, I broke my first iPhone. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 09:23 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my sister called me a moron after I told her that no, healthy foods do not give you "negative calories". She's 21 and goes around telling everyone that she's an expert nutritionist. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 00:28 - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

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By Sally - 26/12/2011 11:48 - Australia

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

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By ghoul - 8/3/2011 11:32

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

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By anonmys - 18/7/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 16:52 - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By blank - 21/7/2010 13:52 - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By Arsinoe - 6/1/2010 00:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:30 - United States - Durham

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 03:29 - United States - Newark

Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7844352 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 20:36

Tell 'im not to sell for under $20....

By Petra Grote | 19

#7844370 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 22:17

Clean or not clean. That is the question....

Comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7844352 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 20:36

Tell 'im not to sell for under $20....

By Petra Grote | 19

#7844370 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 22:17

Clean or not clean. That is the question....

By mcsmee | 5

#7844387 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 23:23

Demand that he cut you in on the action.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844388 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 23:27

I guess it depends on what you pay for underwear.

If the purchase price of underwear plus your time to make them nice and smelly is around $8, he's earning a nice 25% margin.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7844485 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 7:34

How old is your son? On the bright side he is starting a business.

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7844503 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 8:51

He gotta pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7844676 - Thursday 19 September 2019 2:37

Business savvy fellow.. 😂

By alycion | 38

#7844739 - Thursday 19 September 2019 9:02

A young entrepreneur. You should be proud.