By never again - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2260

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673

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Can't win

Right place, wrong person

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad driver and could parallel park, I decided it was easier to just let him do it. Unfortunately, while getting out of the car to switch seats, I forgot to take the car out of drive and it ran into the car in front of us. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7291

You deserved it

31757

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By ilovefootball - United States

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14170

You deserved it

78004

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By leftwardfoil - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47324

You deserved it

3333

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By u raised him

Today, my 17-year-old son attempted to rob the bank I work at while I was off shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5293

You deserved it

560

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By smh - Canada

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28599

You deserved it

2254

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Lockdown boredom

Today, thanks to 10 months of lockdown, the most intimate thing I have done on a Saturday night during this time is use a hobby knife to cut 1/4" thick calluses off my feet. I don't even walk anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

632

You deserved it

139

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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9859

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40034

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By Gilly

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4779

You deserved it

524

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75875

You deserved it

11687

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By nannynomore - United States

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63177

You deserved it

3091

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By redmethod87 - United States

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63913

You deserved it

6457

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By daydreamer - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12117

You deserved it

29183

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By allergic - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38635

You deserved it

3276

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By Work Life Imbalance - 17/2/2021 22:59

Hope springs eternal

Today, I started working my third job, on top of a full time job and a casual job. Why? My partner got sacked from her job, because she did nothing while working from home. She will look for a job "when the economy improves and we hit peak vaccination." Vaccinations don’t start in my country for another 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

860

You deserved it

131

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31439

You deserved it

3811

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2446

You deserved it

121

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By iloveyoutoomom - France

Today, my mom had an appointment with my teacher after class. She never showed. My teacher ended up driving me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40840

You deserved it

3487

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By parasheeeet - United States - Birmingham

Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18025

You deserved it

19879

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By really - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33674

You deserved it

4800

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37949

You deserved it

2907

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32336

You deserved it

2096

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26740

You deserved it

1964

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By fuck - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32366

You deserved it

4021

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By Anonymous - United States - East Northport

Today, at soccer tryouts, the coach made us run the entire practice. I ran the whole two hours ahead of everyone. When the tryout ended, I vomited due to dehydration. I didn't make the team. The coach's reasoning: "Only the weak throw up". FML

I agree, your life sucks

57852

You deserved it

5177

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By pathetic - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25595

You deserved it

29754

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41184

You deserved it

4113

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By sadness - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29287

You deserved it

2263

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By sendhelp - United States - Provo

Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27510

You deserved it

2428

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By Anonymous - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24677

You deserved it

1649

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54587

You deserved it

3969

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By flaggurl - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52963

You deserved it

12180

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By OhNo - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22462

You deserved it

3521

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By whatiswrongwiththeworld

Tsk Tsk

Today, I was told off by a random woman who said that I should be ashamed of myself for dating such an older man. I was having dinner with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5786

You deserved it

273

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By tannarox - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26700

You deserved it

2537

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24598

You deserved it

2172

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Elk Grove

Slasher

Today, I made some burritos when a photo frame fell and smashed over my pan. I'm pretty broke so I thought I got all the glass out of the meat and ate some. I reheated the meat for dinner too and well, I found the glass that time... FML

I agree, your life sucks

883

You deserved it

766

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By Msrebound

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4800

You deserved it

585

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By whoops - Taiwan

Today, while visiting family in Taipei, I came across a large button that said "PUSH" on it. I was curious and pushed it. A deafening alarm then sounded for the next 10 minutes, attracting concerned neighbours and finally a security guard who informed me that I'd pushed a panic button. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24489

You deserved it

10931

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By Lilie - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31265

You deserved it

2475

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By russianfail - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41362

You deserved it

16634

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Top comments

By DGGD | 4

#7863167 - Saturday 30 November 2019 5:19

That's what it feels like, you did squirt. Congratulations.

By Lola Rose Tyler | 16

#7863160 - Saturday 30 November 2019 2:41

When having sex & you get that feeling it’s squirting. 🤷🏾‍♀️

COMMENTS

By Lola Rose Tyler | 16

#7863160 - Saturday 30 November 2019 2:41

When having sex & you get that feeling it’s squirting. 🤷🏾‍♀️

By E2dav | 5

#7863163 - Saturday 30 November 2019 3:39

It didn't smell of urine? Don't know why you didn't just go to the loo, but I suppose if he doesnt mind then your safe

By DGGD | 4

#7863167 - Saturday 30 November 2019 5:19

That's what it feels like, you did squirt. Congratulations.

By smartjaguargurl | 17

#7863186 - Saturday 30 November 2019 8:33

Believe it or not that’s actually what squirting feels like. Congrats!

By evilplatypus | 38

#7863327 - Saturday 30 November 2019 23:29

Chemical analysis of “squirting” is virtually indistinguishable from urine to the point that it’s a major controversy over whether or not squirting is actually a thing and not just peeing.

By therainbowfaerie_ | 8

#7863366 - Sunday 1 December 2019 2:21

It's mostly pee anyway, you're fine

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7863929 - Tuesday 3 December 2019 3:05

Some studies have shown that a full bladder makes an orgasm more intense. Oh well, no need to lower his self esteem. You squirted in some form, so that's what matters. :D

By J15237 | 22

#7864443 - Thursday 5 December 2019 2:11

I know you are probably embarrassed, but seriously if it felt amazing then let it go and move on. It happens.