By never again - 30/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2147

You deserved it

635

Favorite

Intimacy

Banished

Fairytale ending

Headache

By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 21:16 - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30125

You deserved it

43968

Favorite

By #[email protected] - 27/12/2018 16:00

Today, the guy I've fallen for and have been dating on and off for 2 years told me that he kept contacting me to re-connect because he missed hanging out with me, but didn't actually have any feelings for me. I already paid for a non-refundable weekend away as his Christmas present for us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2692

You deserved it

616

Favorite

By Thomas - 11/11/2013 17:20 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50286

You deserved it

7572

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1413

You deserved it

119

Favorite

By BKCK4187 - 20/12/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28041

You deserved it

6848

Favorite

By ew - 3/8/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25507

You deserved it

49772

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 12:11 - United States - Brevard

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and head butted me. Now there is just an awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37584

You deserved it

4693

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 14:44

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20684

You deserved it

1880

Favorite

By Username - 7/8/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30980

You deserved it

16426

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23678

You deserved it

5925

Favorite

By NotJobbing - 11/8/2015 23:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31266

You deserved it

3114

Favorite

By wellcrap - 3/10/2013 05:41 - United States - Carrollton

Today, I walked into a really fancy hotel bathroom. I spoke to the attendant and gave her my purse and coat while I used the toilet. When I came out, she was gone. The receptionist informed me they didn't have a bathroom attendant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26971

You deserved it

52326

Favorite

By chanclepants - 27/1/2010 13:35 - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49230

You deserved it

13973

Favorite

By soldiergirl - 25/10/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because he "can't date someone who supports the war". We started dating because he thought I looked cute in my uniform. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35973

You deserved it

3784

Favorite

By Gee... Thanks - 3/9/2014 01:35

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36660

You deserved it

5635

Favorite

By dammit33 - 28/5/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25678

You deserved it

8858

Favorite

By annie00016 - 27/10/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I tried to set up my brand new washer and dryer. How hard can it be, right? After cutting my hand in 3 places on the dryer vent, I finished it off with electrocuting myself. So much for being a domestic goddess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24971

You deserved it

9904

Favorite

By fiercehawk - 18/2/2014 05:45 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60027

You deserved it

5300

Favorite

By boom - 17/3/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35022

You deserved it

3748

Favorite

By Will this stupid fad ever end? - 6/3/2013 11:51 - United States

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35525

You deserved it

4906

Favorite

By what - 11/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29842

You deserved it

2090

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36031

You deserved it

2841

Favorite

By cole - 24/4/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said "hey I love your jacket, where'd you get that?". I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21312

You deserved it

61371

Favorite

By fgbh456 - 28/12/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29996

You deserved it

2344

Favorite

By effedfosh - 7/4/2009 04:53 - Canada

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66461

You deserved it

8795

Favorite

By Stupid - 22/12/2014 07:45 - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30212

You deserved it

6782

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/4/2015 16:06 - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32991

You deserved it

3312

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 11:00 - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45264

You deserved it

3881

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 20:00

The Graduate

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1378

You deserved it

146

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 21:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34016

You deserved it

2977

Favorite

By deadbunnies - 31/7/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47827

You deserved it

9140

Favorite

By ThatHurts - 14/11/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18257

You deserved it

34405

Favorite

By stressed - 12/10/2014 06:40 - United States - Statham

Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36733

You deserved it

2633

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 08:08

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, after going down on me and dry humping me in bed, my boyfriend told me he was having second thoughts about me while I was away for a few days. Apparently, he spent time with my best friend who set us up. She asked him to hypothetically propose to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1500

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By ab1e - 12/5/2010 20:07 - United States

Today, while at work, a woman left her credit card at my register. I tried to return it before she left. Seeing her getting into her car, I jogged after her and yelled, "Wait." She ran over my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33722

You deserved it

3048

Favorite

By rawkdinosawr - 9/5/2009 15:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

20967

You deserved it

76857

Favorite

By librarygirl - 13/8/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12128

You deserved it

41734

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 07:14 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27355

You deserved it

16040

Favorite

By ilovecowboys - 26/2/2010 09:09 - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26769

You deserved it

6874

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10222

You deserved it

43783

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DGGD | 2

#7863167 - Saturday 30 November 2019 5:19

That's what it feels like, you did squirt. Congratulations.

By Lola Rose Tyler | 16

#7863160 - Saturday 30 November 2019 2:41

When having sex & you get that feeling it’s squirting. 🤷🏾‍♀️

COMMENTS

By Lola Rose Tyler | 16

#7863160 - Saturday 30 November 2019 2:41

When having sex & you get that feeling it’s squirting. 🤷🏾‍♀️

By E2dav | 5

#7863163 - Saturday 30 November 2019 3:39

It didn't smell of urine? Don't know why you didn't just go to the loo, but I suppose if he doesnt mind then your safe

By DGGD | 2

#7863167 - Saturday 30 November 2019 5:19

That's what it feels like, you did squirt. Congratulations.

By smartjaguargurl | 17

#7863186 - Saturday 30 November 2019 8:33

Believe it or not that’s actually what squirting feels like. Congrats!

By evilplatypus | 38

#7863327 - Saturday 30 November 2019 23:29

Chemical analysis of “squirting” is virtually indistinguishable from urine to the point that it’s a major controversy over whether or not squirting is actually a thing and not just peeing.

By therainbowfaerie_ | 6

#7863366 - Sunday 1 December 2019 2:21

It's mostly pee anyway, you're fine

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7863929 - Tuesday 3 December 2019 3:05

Some studies have shown that a full bladder makes an orgasm more intense. Oh well, no need to lower his self esteem. You squirted in some form, so that's what matters. :D

By J15237 | 19

#7864443 - Thursday 5 December 2019 2:11

I know you are probably embarrassed, but seriously if it felt amazing then let it go and move on. It happens.