Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent... - FML

By Wtf - 17/5/2017 22:00

Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4585

You deserved it

399

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Season finale

Mr Sensitivity

By denied - 26/3/2009 23:49 - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66566

You deserved it

5095

Tweet

Share

By SophieGray - 20/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38762

You deserved it

5043

Tweet

Share

By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1342

You deserved it

219

Tweet

Share

By HagFag - 10/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2619

You deserved it

303

Tweet

Share

By crappyeve - 25/12/2016 05:10 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7710

Phew, glad it wasn't me

888

Tweet

Share

By Habit - 19/10/2011 22:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26661

You deserved it

9955

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 02:22 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22989

You deserved it

1576

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/5/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5704

You deserved it

417

Tweet

Share

By Allen - 5/1/2010 06:40 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10876

You deserved it

40349

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 09:25 - Monaco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35101

You deserved it

6058

Tweet

Share

By Oops - 14/1/2010 15:55 - United States

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14732

You deserved it

32967

Tweet

Share

By gengiskarn69 - 12/3/2012 14:55 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8943

You deserved it

38505

Tweet

Share

By green2black - 19/5/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26879

You deserved it

14526

Tweet

Share

By John W. - 12/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14609

You deserved it

46888

Tweet

Share

By TotallyDoneDating - 2/5/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5738

You deserved it

710

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/11/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39155

You deserved it

3193

Tweet

Share

By abercrombieef - 27/8/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86509

You deserved it

3927

Tweet

Share

By the boogieman mom - 27/11/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that eating too much cheese really can cause nightmares. I had a cheese sandwich before bed and woke up later to the nightmarish sight of my mother-in-law standing over me with a suitcase. She had a big argument with her husband and wants to stay with us for a few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2645

You deserved it

227

Tweet

Share

By Anon. - 1/3/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

20528

You deserved it

90607

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/10/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, a woman somehow managed to drop her wedding ring into the garbage at the fast food place where I work. I had to search through a full bag of half eaten food and soda to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31214

You deserved it

2715

Tweet

Share

By thetallone - 23/2/2010 08:05 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25513

You deserved it

2668

Tweet

Share

By annoyed - 19/12/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36933

You deserved it

2868

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 9/3/2019 14:00

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2138

You deserved it

251

Tweet

Share

By MySummerinEurope - 25/5/2012 22:59 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10499

You deserved it

29668

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18286

You deserved it

43298

Tweet

Share

By Rusty - 3/7/2015 19:02 - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27926

You deserved it

2647

Tweet

Share

By ABD - 15/12/2017 01:30

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6311

You deserved it

333

Tweet

Share

By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/8/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18652

You deserved it

1175

Tweet

Share

By CaptMacLeod - 26/1/2016 09:18 - United States - Lancaster

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22579

You deserved it

2103

Tweet

Share

By eebie jeebies - 30/5/2016 15:31 - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12404

You deserved it

3121

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/4/2018 06:00

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

I agree, your life sucks

6516

You deserved it

2109

Tweet

Share

By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13285

You deserved it

35595

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/9/2019 14:00

Halved

Today, I went to the hair salon to get a fresh trim before receiving my master's diploma. The hairdresser managed to shave off half my eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1503

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42606

You deserved it

6088

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/4/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44432

You deserved it

8152

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13586

You deserved it

38139

Tweet

Share

By jackson - 6/9/2010 17:02 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12086

You deserved it

38807

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 06:29 - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24436

You deserved it

2601

Tweet

Share

By Fantastic - 4/3/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a large man walking behind me, I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasnt even my car. As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12081

You deserved it

48635

Tweet

Share

By KidKillah - 1/9/2012 04:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24950

You deserved it

3131

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By lilfuzzy | 10

#7456511 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:18

happy birthday! here's your gift! Its a restraining order.....

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7456508 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:11

how did you stay that long though?

COMMENTS

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7456508 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:11

how did you stay that long though?

By lilfuzzy | 10

#7456511 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:18

happy birthday! here's your gift! Its a restraining order.....

By ayyy_bro | 26

#7456520 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:43

Or you could just change your number and get on with your life?

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7457146 - Friday 19 May 2017 3:40

blocking is simpler and without the hassle.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7456523 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:49

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear psycho ex-boyfriend. Happy birthday to you.

By Druu | 53

#7456526 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:54

Happy Birthday, you crazy nut job! Here's that restraining order you always wanted! Try it on! Don't worry if it's an exact fit -- I can't even tell from 500 yards away!

Reply

Druu | 53

#7456553 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:57

not* an exact fit, obviously. Bring back the edit button!

By itsameeeekatrino | 5

#7456533 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:07

maybe they have kids together or something

Reply

RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7456692 - Thursday 18 May 2017 8:10

That wouldn't matter.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7456552 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:51

You should have sent him a warm bag of dogshit, just to let him know you hadn't forgotten him completely.

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7456566 - Thursday 18 May 2017 0:27

Block him and don't respond. Selfish people tend to act entitled. Your ex sounds like a narcissist.

By Regulate | 21

#7456596 - Thursday 18 May 2017 2:09

He's a butt.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7457006 - Thursday 18 May 2017 21:18

He never got you a gift, and you stuck with him for seven years? That said, block the guy's number. And if he calls you from other numbers, restraining order.