Love: Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent... - FML

By Wtf

Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML

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Leave us alone

Own it

Shut down

By Tea_baggins - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

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By Alvin - 2/7/2021 17:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Denial

Today, I'm quit my job after finding out that there were multiple confirmed cases of Covid-19. It wouldn't be a big deal, if I didn't find out that people aren't following safe distancing, checking their body heat, walking about without face masks, and leaving the entire site dirty as fuck. FML

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By Malakai

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By pieceofcake163 - United States

ESPN Love

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

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By naas1201

It's not working

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By ... - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

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By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Haven

Today, the new manager at my workplace left early in a panic, exclaiming, "My grandma had an accident! I need to see if she's okay!" I was left in charge of the bar once again. This is the sixth time this week his grandma has had an "accident". FML

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By Kylie - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

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By QueueJumper - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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By bird - United States - Fort Gratiot

Today, I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries out when I remove it. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By Ford

Today, a child that was born due to my donation to a sperm bank in 1995 contacted me. My current wife, who I met in 2003, is convinced I cheated on her and is filing for a divorce. FML

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By KMO - United States

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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By lprocter1982 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML

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By mish - United Kingdom - Leominster

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Artists are unpredictable

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

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By crub - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

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By mjohnston - United States

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

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By straightasaneedle - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By methane overload - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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By squishylog - United States

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By Nohouseforme - United States - Tempe

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

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By Adan - United States - Monroe

Scary

Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

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By FistFighter - United States

Night fight

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

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Top comments

By lilfuzzy | 10

#7456511 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:18

happy birthday! here's your gift! Its a restraining order.....

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7456508 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:11

how did you stay that long though?

COMMENTS

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7456508 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:11

how did you stay that long though?

By lilfuzzy | 10

#7456511 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:18

happy birthday! here's your gift! Its a restraining order.....

By ayyy_bro | 26

#7456520 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:43

Or you could just change your number and get on with your life?

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7457146 - Friday 19 May 2017 3:40

blocking is simpler and without the hassle.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7456523 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:49

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear psycho ex-boyfriend. Happy birthday to you.

By Druu | 53

#7456526 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:54

Happy Birthday, you crazy nut job! Here's that restraining order you always wanted! Try it on! Don't worry if it's an exact fit -- I can't even tell from 500 yards away!

Reply

Druu | 53

#7456553 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:57

not* an exact fit, obviously. Bring back the edit button!

By itsameeeekatrino | 5

#7456533 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:07

maybe they have kids together or something

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RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7456692 - Thursday 18 May 2017 8:10

That wouldn't matter.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7456552 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:51

You should have sent him a warm bag of dogshit, just to let him know you hadn't forgotten him completely.

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7456566 - Thursday 18 May 2017 0:27

Block him and don't respond. Selfish people tend to act entitled. Your ex sounds like a narcissist.

By Regulate | 21

#7456596 - Thursday 18 May 2017 2:09

He's a butt.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7457006 - Thursday 18 May 2017 21:18

He never got you a gift, and you stuck with him for seven years? That said, block the guy's number. And if he calls you from other numbers, restraining order.