Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent... - FML

By Wtf - 17/5/2017 22:00

Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML

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This is us

DINOSAURS!!

Assumptions

By Johntheladdo - 29/3/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2015 06:58 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 00:59 - United States - Ocean Springs

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2014 17:53 - United States

Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2013 20:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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By franky - 25/3/2013 21:45 - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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By BiteMe14 - 7/1/2011 19:10 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend about my foot phobia. To help me "get over it", he took his socks off, pinned me down, and rubbed his foot against my face until I started sobbing. FML

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By whyme - 13/7/2011 05:40 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By twinkletoes - 17/9/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML

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By OhGodKillMeNow - 26/12/2009 11:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

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By RyanSmithN - 15/1/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

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By Toomuchisoutofcontrol - 21/1/2017 08:00

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

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By embarrassed girl - 7/6/2014 05:40 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML

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By Deety - 18/1/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 04:01 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to pretend my tampons were "dynamite" and run around the house throwing them at my friends and family. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness effects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

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By Rosie - 28/7/2018 05:00

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

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By minikat - 2/6/2018 15:00

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

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By whattheactualfuck - 22/1/2016 12:50 - South Africa - Durban

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

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By Pokecousin - 27/12/2016 17:45

Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML

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By jedd90 - 8/7/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I overdraw my account, and I ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML

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By sciencetime - 10/12/2016 11:33

Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML

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By sickly - 20/1/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

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By meganridner - 4/8/2011 16:05 - United States

Today, I went mud wrestling for the first time at a mud bog. After a day of fun and getting cleaned up, I realized that my mom's ring was no longer on my finger. FML

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By Mimi - 29/11/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By preggers - 8/2/2010 10:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

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By Bunni - 22/10/2009 22:22 - Australia

Today, I was tinting my own eyelashes when I missed my eyelashes and stabbed myself in the eye with the applicator loaded with dye. Now, I have beautiful lush black eyelashes, to match my half closed swollen red left eye. Sexy. FML

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By CK95 - 1/1/2015 23:02 - United States

Today, I woke up after a night of New Year's Eve partying. I remember the night going great. What I don't remember is laying naked in the shower while my girlfriend ran water over my body to make me feel better. I also made my own funeral plans because I was convinced I was going to die. FML

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By Powerfool - 7/4/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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By thjeltz - 27/10/2010 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

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By kiwichick4life - 30/7/2013 16:42 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

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By homersgirl - 30/9/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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By StephiLynn - 9/5/2016 04:33 - United States - Hibbing

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

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By jibjab - 11/1/2009 16:46 - Canada

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 01:15 - United States

Today, I took my two kids to a Christmas festival with a train theme. I spent $24 on conductor hats for them. When I gave them the hats, they threw them on the ground and put the red paper bags they came in on their heads. FML

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By Madokami - 30/1/2017 11:37 - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

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By princessj - 16/10/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

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Top comments

By lilfuzzy | 10

#7456511 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:18

happy birthday! here's your gift! Its a restraining order.....

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7456508 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:11

how did you stay that long though?

Comments

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7456508 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:11

how did you stay that long though?

By lilfuzzy | 10

#7456511 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:18

happy birthday! here's your gift! Its a restraining order.....

By ayyy_bro | 26

#7456520 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:43

Or you could just change your number and get on with your life?

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7457146 - Friday 19 May 2017 3:40

blocking is simpler and without the hassle.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7456523 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:49

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear psycho ex-boyfriend. Happy birthday to you.

By Druu | 53

#7456526 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 22:54

Happy Birthday, you crazy nut job! Here's that restraining order you always wanted! Try it on! Don't worry if it's an exact fit -- I can't even tell from 500 yards away!

Reply

Druu | 53

#7456553 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:57

not* an exact fit, obviously. Bring back the edit button!

By itsameeeekatrino | 5

#7456533 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:07

maybe they have kids together or something

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RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7456692 - Thursday 18 May 2017 8:10

That wouldn't matter.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7456552 - Wednesday 17 May 2017 23:51

You should have sent him a warm bag of dogshit, just to let him know you hadn't forgotten him completely.

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7456566 - Thursday 18 May 2017 0:27

Block him and don't respond. Selfish people tend to act entitled. Your ex sounds like a narcissist.

By Regulate | 21

#7456596 - Thursday 18 May 2017 2:09

He's a butt.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7457006 - Thursday 18 May 2017 21:18

He never got you a gift, and you stuck with him for seven years? That said, block the guy's number. And if he calls you from other numbers, restraining order.