Work: Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording... - FML

By janice - United States

Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

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Instadrama

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anonymous

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 14:00

I've been… held up

Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

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By King.Dick. - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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By FattestUgliestPerson - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

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By RC - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Operation Yewtree here I come - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Niagara Park

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By Bree - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

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By Anonymousss95 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

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By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

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By hwood - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

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By moorox45 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By butterball - Israel - Palmahim

Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By ash - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By too good - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By rivercitybarf - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

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By SmellyLeg

Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML

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By 16isntsweet - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By creepedoutmom - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

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By bgierczak2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By heatherjo - United States

Today, my fiancé decided he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By Hesintrouble - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By SwoopingEagle

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

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By WhyDoINeedAName - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Relatable, unfortunately

Today, I realized that I'm at the age that whenever I mention a friend of the opposite gender, my family's first response is asking whether that friend is single. I've already accepted no one will want a pathetic freak like me, so their poking around what few friends I have makes it awkward. FML

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By Annie - India

Today, I was having a romantic conversation with my boyfriend under the stars. He said, "You know how there are people who are beautiful on the inside and people who are beautiful on the outside? Yeah, well you're one of those 'inside' people." FML

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By tara22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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By Kerlane - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

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By Samsonites - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell him I love him. He told me that he loved me too... like a sister! The love of my life has been sleeping with his "sister" for three months. FML

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Top comments

By TheMonica | 0

#2616556 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:01

Yeah, you should never joke about suicide. Especially in the workplace. Be grateful you even have a job.

By briidontgive_ | 0

#2616553 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:01

why did he record it ?

COMMENTS

By jenna_rae | 0

#2616489 - Saturday 4 June 2011 5:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

steierr | 7

#2616502 - Saturday 4 June 2011 5:57

wow...

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2616662 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:14

I understand where you're coming from, but that's like getting out of Algreba, saying "I'm gonna kill myself if she/he gives us homework tomorrow.." having it recorded and sent to your principle. I understand she was at work which is a totally different scenario, but we all know it was sarcasm.

Reply

bioboy725 | 10

#2616770 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:34

So I'm guessing you didn't follow through with your plans? Maybe that's why your boss is mad.

Reply

docscientist | 9

#2617088 - Saturday 4 June 2011 7:54

Idiotic are the bosses that take everything so literally and make a federal case out of common banter.

By tigerkyle92 | 0

#2616520 - Saturday 4 June 2011 5:59

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

LoveForNerd2 | 0

#2618248 - Saturday 4 June 2011 16:30

Well the dude taped her! ...unless it was security cameras..?

By briidontgive_ | 0

#2616553 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:01

why did he record it ?

Reply

yummylicious | 5

#2617787 - Saturday 4 June 2011 14:53

he wanted his now ex girlfriend's job.

Reply

CLARlNET | 5

#6608734 - Wednesday 18 May 2016 13:37

maybe he found it funny

By TheMonica | 0

#2616556 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

docscientist | 9

#2621747 - Sunday 5 June 2011 3:29

Really? Nobody jokes about suicide? Virtually everyone has jokingly said something on the topic of suicide before.

By j4gerb0mblitz | 6

#2616585 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:04

he's telling you to hang yourself since you recorded that a year ago

By BamBarBiYaKergud | 2

#2616587 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:04

omg fyl. reminds me episode from some movie
remember which

Reply

OceanBreathesSal | 5

#2616623 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:09

I thought shows had episodes...

By LaDeeDaDeeDaLaLi | 0

#2616594 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:05

Dear OP,
WTF

Sincerely, LaDeDaDe...

Reply

WiderWille | 11

#2617624 - Saturday 4 June 2011 13:16

Dear ladewhatever,
WTF?

By goingsolo211 | 8

#2616611 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:08

throw it on the GROUND!!!

Reply

Nitial | 6

#2617193 - Saturday 4 June 2011 8:28

you can't trust the system

By amrik | 11

#2616632 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:10

sue your boyfriend. recording someone without their permission is illegal

Reply

Davyy | 0

#2616667 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:15

I record "certain people" with no permission but even if I did have permission it would be illegal :o

Reply

rtellez06 | 0

#2616878 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:56

exactly!!!

Reply

RileyL29 | 0

#2617280 - Saturday 4 June 2011 9:07

Different states have different recording laws.

Reply

MandaOSU | 1

#2619666 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:47

Depends on the state, they're all different

By XxMaseratiGurlxX | 1

#2616643 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:12

oh sounds like a fun time baha