Love and Health: Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy... - FML

By "sadh3"

Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML

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Out of it

Good kid

BO Central

By Grace - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 13:59

Check these out, guys!

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

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By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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By whyme27 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

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By Elisabeth - 16/8/2020 17:01

Close shave

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

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By Zack - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

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By Female_Lucifer - United States - New Lebanon

Today, my father was taking pictures of my friend and me as we got ready for homecoming. After the pictures were taken, he offered to show us. He scrolled one picture too far and ended up showing us a picture of his penis. FML

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By Canuckster - Canada

Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

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By Alyce - 6/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

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By natural selection i guess

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 20:08

About last night…

Today, I woke up on the couch in front of the television covered with a blanket. Last night, I'd come home pissed from the pub, fired up porn, got my pants off and settled down for a wank. However, this morning the telly was off, my trousers were on, and I don't remember a blanket. I live with my mom. FML

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By sandyhome - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML

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By Backseatseller - New Zealand

Today, I was at work, and some people came in looking for a particular couch. After looking for over an hour on the wholesalers website my boss walks over, makes me take my lunch break and then calls over the couple and takes all the credit for the sale. We work on commission. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

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By CC - Sweden

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

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By Dinger1992 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

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By Tiny - United States - Las Vegas

Toxic

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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By TurtleTeacher - United States

Today, my students took my glasses, hid them from me, and called me a turtle when I squinted my eyes trying to look for them. This carried on for about 25 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By singleladynow - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

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By ryansmithho - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

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By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

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By Cats...FML - Australia

Today, it's my sister's birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, "This day is not about you, it's about your sister." I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

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By tealsoda - United States

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

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By my honest father - United States - Kansas City

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

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By Marjo86

Man vs. Wild

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

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By megs

Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

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By E.B. - United States - Grenada

Major annoyance

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By LilShawty2000 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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By b. - Australia

Today, I was going shopping with a friend. I got up to get off the train and landed on my ass. Not only had I walked into the metal bar, I'd broken my $800 glasses, and the train doors had closed, with my friend on the other side of the doors. FML

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By mother of piggies

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7552038 - Friday 13 October 2017 4:55

Get her an IQ test as well, but she may pee on it.

By Razell | 13

#7550996 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 18:49

...that's not how any of this works.

COMMENTS

By Razell | 13

#7550996 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 18:49

...that's not how any of this works.

By GhostFox | 33

#7551082 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 21:45

Pregnancy brain? Or very serious anxiety.

Explain with simple words and gentle tone.

By really_dad? | 13

#7551174 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 3:10

Well, what were the results

By Tripartita | 44

#7552035 - Friday 13 October 2017 4:45

What a moron. Obviously YOU’D need to take the test to determine whether or not it’s theirs.

Reply

simcityguy09 | 19

#7553752 - Tuesday 17 October 2017 23:15

Lol

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7552038 - Friday 13 October 2017 4:55

Get her an IQ test as well, but she may pee on it.

By ViviMage | 38

#7552041 - Friday 13 October 2017 5:26

Does pregnancy cause blonde moments?

Reply

Glynnis Sevillano | 8

#7552453 - Saturday 14 October 2017 9:34

Someone Google it

By jfsiv | 17

#7552043 - Friday 13 October 2017 5:29

You apparently didn't pick her because of her intelligence.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7552046 - Friday 13 October 2017 5:49

What a dumbass, that wouldn’t prove anything!

She’d need video of you secretly implanting someone else’s fertilized ovum into you while you slept. You didn’t do that, did you?

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7552047 - Friday 13 October 2017 5:49

I mean “into her.”

By Christina Winden | 19

#7552051 - Friday 13 October 2017 6:19

Hopefully the baby inherits his/her intelligence from your side of the family.

Reply

Glynnis Sevillano | 8

#7552454 - Saturday 14 October 2017 9:35

I don't. He picked her.

By piinksock | 17

#7552058 - Friday 13 October 2017 7:13

Pregnancy brain is a real thing!