Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making...

By wetsheets - 7/1/2013 13:01 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Doomed

Race against the clock

By wtf bro - 20/5/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

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By 530gangsta - 25/4/2017 16:00

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

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By anonymous - 4/4/2013 22:52 - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

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By lonerboner - 3/10/2012 13:47 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

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By man - 30/10/2009 16:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

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By Whoops - 24/6/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML

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By Ophelia - 8/6/2016 04:05 - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

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By thatsnice - 9/12/2014 21:19 - United States - Warwick

Today, I confessed to my roommate of 4 years that I'm in love with her. Her response? Sticking her tongue out at me and blowing a raspberry. FML

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By Justmyluck - 15/11/2017 06:00

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By cauteriseme - 1/1/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

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By ThroatSlasher - 17/8/2015 19:20 - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2019 01:00

How deep is it?

Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML

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By malos - 12/8/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

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By confusedbagel - 27/6/2013 06:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

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By brokenhearted - 18/2/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By Madeline Lee - 9/4/2012 21:34 - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - 5/8/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By Sheepiebeepie - 11/8/2017 04:30

NEVER JOKE ABOUT FLUFFY

Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML

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By Flooded - 7/1/2010 18:38 - United States

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

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By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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By fatman - 10/8/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

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By Daddy - 2/6/2016 08:04 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

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By Uggghhh - 9/5/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By anonymous - 16/8/2013 14:05 - United States - Grandville

Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML

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By Kay - 20/10/2016 10:37

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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By thisshtissad - 22/9/2019 02:01

Travel away from the sadness

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

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By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By Meghan - 22/2/2013 01:33 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "the lovely Meghan". I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 29/8/2020 23:02

Harsh

Today, my estranged father died. No one bothered to tell me, and the only reason I found out was because his wife texted my sister. When I asked about the service, I was told I was no welcome in the state he had lived in, because I was no longer family. FML

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By Locked Out - 14/5/2013 19:11 - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

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By brooke - 13/8/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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By melonhead77 - 29/3/2012 11:46 - Cyprus

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

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By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

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By oohrahgal - 14/2/2019 16:32 - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By Lisa - 28/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, trying to make my 6 year old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word "toot". My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say "daddy taught me how to draw butts." FML

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By - 10/2/2020 18:00

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By WHY - 1/4/2016 00:58 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By Kortnie Peterman - 6/6/2020 17:03

Body positivity

Today, after 3 months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want sex, I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight. He looked at me and said, "You're too fat to go walking." I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here, not his. FML

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Top comments

By ariverperson | 11

#5313110 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

urine a bit of a messy situation there

By perdix | 29

#5313115 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

Tell everyone you're a "squirter," because that's a lot sexier than "bed-wetter."

COMMENTS

By tomhofer | 14

#5313105 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:48

That would put me in a pissy mood (haha)

Catkam623 | 27

#5313159 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

I simply feel bad for the cleaner with her shitty husband pissing all her money away and the problems of living by such a wet location.

rokemay | 10

#5313275 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:38

15 - What?

rokemay | 10

#5313277 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:39

...

aly_goes_rawr | 3

#5315083 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 23:08

DAMN YOU THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!

By razzberry | 9

#5313107 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:48

At least you got off?

U_GotitDude | 18

#5313287 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:50

But was it worth it?

CCSA | 12

#5313398 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:40

50- I guess OP might not totally enjoy the moment (or the moment shortly after), hence the FML, but there are definitely females who love such experience and consider it "worth it"

onlychildFTW | 33

#5314056 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:22

I think as long as you get off its a good thing.

IscoreOnU | 19

#5314075 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:36

Women would find a way to complain about orgasming lol

By ariverperson | 11

#5313110 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

urine a bit of a messy situation there

taka805 | 10

#5313382 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:18

Nice!!!

FlubbaBubba | 12

#5313889 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 6:57

I bet OP was a bit peeved after that incident.

ChazzyWazzy1998 | 10

#5328711 - Thursday 17 January 2013 23:16

There's a button for that #75 -_-

johobus28 | 26

#6004263 - Thursday 10 July 2014 22:59

Get out.

By micahdunk | 13

#5313111 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

Never to young to wet the bed I guess.

StalkerChick | 13

#5313160 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

Old?

micahdunk | 13

#5313192 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:29

Yeah. Commenting when you are half asleep isn't smart. I realized my mistake just as my edit time ran out.

ilovegordon | 6

#5313247 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:12

*Too young. Come on now, focus!

Sinamoi | 18

#5313381 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:17

Says the guy who missed the whole conversation above about her being too *old, not young.

By perdix | 29

#5313115 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

Tell everyone you're a "squirter," because that's a lot sexier than "bed-wetter."

rockstar362 | 8

#5313984 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Can I have your autograph?

T9FTW | 20

#5314577 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 16:55

Why? You're the rockstar..

rockstar362 | 8

#5314751 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 19:06

Touché

By Stalkerloo | 11

#5313118 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

At least it wasn't on a store's floor.

cliffibom | 15

#5313319 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:11

I'd rather piss on the floor

howdeedoo | 22

#5313322 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:14

6-Why would they be having sex on a store's floor?

Jordath_Fil | 11

#5313358 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:52

Obviously 58 you have never had sex in a store... During business hours... ;)

Ani28 | 10

#5313614 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 1:50

#58, it's a reference to an earlier FML about a drunk man relieving himself on a shop floor after being told that the shop didn't sell alcohol.

tigersman1c | 19

#5313783 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:47

i have, it was fun.

nigsuzzi | 3

#5313959 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:48

Based on 92s comment combined with his amazing self pic, I think we found that drunk!

By SuperDanielNL | 23

#5313121 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:55

Well that's total satisfaction for ya... Good luck cleaning though.

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5313129 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:58

All that matters is that it was intense.

DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5313379 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:16

and wet

By ICastillo | 24

#5313131 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:59

That's not bad, I piss on everything on purpose. That's how I mark my territory.... Girls get mad at me when I do this, I don't know why...

buying_mace | 5

#5313228 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:57

You must be a relative of my husband. He does the same thing.

willbur73q | 7

#5313282 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:45

Weird comment. Yet I had to thumb it up.

His_Holiness | 18

#5313824 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:29

Is your name R Kelly by chance?

By kobelstone23 | 13

#5313135 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:01

I'm i the only one wondering why her husband read 50 shades of grey?

Razi_tail | 25

#5313164 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

Guys can read love stories as well, don't be judgemental.

kobelstone23 | 13

#5313194 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:31

But its not a love story its book porn:p

PincessBoff | 6

#5313202 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:36

#27
There's your answer. Porn is porn to men! They don't care if its written down and put in a book or on a DVD. It's. All. Porn.

Fanain | 2

#5313204 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:37

Isn't that more of a reason a guy would feel inclined to reading it?

PincessBoff | 6

#5313208 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:39

#31
Exactly my point, above your comment.

charlton2142 | 5

#5313212 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:42

Technically she said partner, coulda been another chick

Chelsea_bella | 20

#5313226 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:56

Her partner is a guy. She said "He was right" in the next sentence.

jmacfan1 | 16

#5313327 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:18

Technically op is a guy. Look up in the corner of the fml. Blue guy sign

Veratas | 9

#5313330 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:21

Note to self. Buy a mattress cover and 50 Shades of Grey.

rachelphillie | 1

#5313356 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:50

60- my app shows that OP is female..

sig4life | 18

#5313364 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:59

OP is a girl, and guys normally don't do written porn, we are usually visual while women are more mental. Pardon the pun.

evilplatypus | 38

#5313378 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:14

60 - It's not blue, it's purple. And it's not guy sign, it's the female sign.

tigersman1c | 19

#5313784 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:50

Actually guys are more visually stimulated while women are more into reading. Basicly, guy porn lots of pictures, girl porn has a story and plot. lol

dmblonde | 13

#5313833 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:40

61 you can actually just download it online for free ;P

sig4life | 18

#5313886 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 6:52

#97 you should hear the Gilbert Godfrey does 50 Shades of Gray. Check it out, google it, I bet you will never look at the book or Godfrey the same, you may even pee without having an O.