Intimacy: Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making...

By wetsheets - 07/01/2013 13:01 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 911

You deserved it 7 644

Intimacy

Walk the line

Best teeth in the game

Vandals!

By oops123 - 16/07/2012 14:38 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 211

You deserved it 29 310

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a god damn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 990

You deserved it 5 737

MVP

By Darren - 31/08/2020 04:01 - Australia - Greenacre

Today, during my second shift back at work after missing 4 weeks for knee surgery, I stabbed myself in the hand and now need 3 weeks off for that surgery. Just as I'm up for a promotion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 303

The Force

By RobinBunny713 - 19/07/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 754

You deserved it 34 236

By samantha - 17/08/2019 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 177

By COCKYmanUSC - 12/09/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 020

You deserved it 6 432

By sleepwalker - 22/11/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 466

You deserved it 4 633

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 721

You deserved it 25 485

By Anonymous - 03/12/2018 12:00

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 930

You deserved it 364

By ugh - 01/12/2015 03:52 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 1 553

By Humpday - 29/05/2016 21:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 071

You deserved it 1 260

Dad! No!

By Ginger - 08/07/2017 16:30 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I got married. My dad wanted to see me before the ceremony in my dress. The dress I wore was not my usual kind of dress, strapless. The first thing my dad said, "Ginger! You've got boobs!" Not exactly the father-daughter moment I'd envisioned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 086

You deserved it 517

By PeedMaPants - 16/08/2016 00:04 - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 315

You deserved it 2 319

By moutz - 20/07/2009 07:13 - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 289

You deserved it 15 302

Catching my breath

By Hamish - 22/07/2021 06:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I had an asthma attack while walking home with my friends. As I was struggling to breathe, they thought I was attention-seeking and left me on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 81

By pleaseno - 24/07/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 038

You deserved it 3 115

By bibobobonnor - 28/09/2010 04:40 - Canada

Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 361

You deserved it 3 245

By Peta2nNoMore - 04/07/2009 10:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 509

You deserved it 10 371

By nadalada - 18/02/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 408

You deserved it 13 957

By fucked5waystofriday - 19/02/2016 19:51 - United States - Angola

Today, my boss told me to resign within the month, or he'll fire me and give me a bad reference. I talked to him about it again later on, this time with my phone recording everything, so I could take the proof to HR. I guess he knew, because he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 589

You deserved it 1 877

Freaked out

By scarredforlife - 03/10/2015 01:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jaywalked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 324

You deserved it 1 624

Sensitive

By Anonymous - 29/06/2020 17:00

Today, my mom had to go off on my grandmother because I don’t have kids yet and she, "wants great grand babies before she dies." My grandmother was going to gift me a baby outfit for me to get another hint. I’m 25 and can’t conceive because of health issues. I may never have my own kids. She knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 184

You deserved it 103

By Ezzie - 29/08/2018 03:30

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 2 734

Grandma rocks!

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 401

You deserved it 5 168

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 148

You deserved it 65 059

By goblue - 21/12/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 391

You deserved it 3 154

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Southampton

Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and Love and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 209

By feckingnasty - 26/01/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 579

You deserved it 457

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:20 - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 788

You deserved it 3 751

News to me

By Anonymous - 18/04/2020 20:00

Today, my dad told me he liked men. While he was making a drunken speech. At my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 796

You deserved it 151

By greenroses92 - 19/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was called stupid by a customer, after I supposedly got his order wrong. He then threw his ice cream cone on the floor, tracked it around the store, and left. While I was cleaning it up, he came back and tripped me right into the mop water, spilling it everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 108

Thanks, "Mom"

By thafinest - 12/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 535

You deserved it 2 266

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 628

You deserved it 6 640

By IDIOT - 28/03/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 576

You deserved it 3 257

By Smeagogole - 02/07/2015 04:30 - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 3 547

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 173

You deserved it 8 834

By tjm - 23/12/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, after finally getting a job offer after months of unemployment, I found out that the person who was going to hire me got fired. Which means I'm not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 603

You deserved it 2 233

Maoism intensifies

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 02:00

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 115

By LoveStinks - 18/08/2016 10:56

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 146

You deserved it 2 536

Management 101

By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 58

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Top comments

ariverperson 11

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

urine a bit of a messy situation there

perdix 29

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

Tell everyone you're a "squirter," because that's a lot sexier than "bed-wetter."

tomhofer 14

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:48

That would put me in a pissy mood (haha)

Catkam623 27

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

I simply feel bad for the cleaner with her shitty husband pissing all her money away and the problems of living by such a wet location.

rokemay 10

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Monday 7 January 2013 20:38

15 - What?

rokemay 10

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Monday 7 January 2013 20:39

...

aly_goes_rawr 3

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 23:08

DAMN YOU THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!

razzberry 9

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:48

At least you got off?

U_GotitDude 18

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Monday 7 January 2013 20:50

But was it worth it?

CCSA 12

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Monday 7 January 2013 22:40

50- I guess OP might not totally enjoy the moment (or the moment shortly after), hence the FML, but there are definitely females who love such experience and consider it "worth it"

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:22

I think as long as you get off its a good thing.

IscoreOnU 19

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:36

Women would find a way to complain about orgasming lol

ariverperson 11

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

urine a bit of a messy situation there

taka805 10

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Monday 7 January 2013 22:18

Nice!!!

FlubbaBubba 12

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 6:57

I bet OP was a bit peeved after that incident.

ChazzyWazzy1998 10

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Thursday 17 January 2013 23:16

There's a button for that #75 -_-

johobus28 26

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Thursday 10 July 2014 22:59

Get out.

micahdunk 13

Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

Never to young to wet the bed I guess.

StalkerChick 13

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

Old?

micahdunk 13

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:29

Yeah. Commenting when you are half asleep isn't smart. I realized my mistake just as my edit time ran out.

ilovegordon 6

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Monday 7 January 2013 20:12

*Too young. Come on now, focus!

Sinamoi 18

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Monday 7 January 2013 22:17

Says the guy who missed the whole conversation above about her being too *old, not young.

perdix 29

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

Tell everyone you're a "squirter," because that's a lot sexier than "bed-wetter."

rockstar362 8

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Can I have your autograph?

T9FTW 20

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 16:55

Why? You're the rockstar..

rockstar362 8

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 19:06

Touché

Stalkerloo 11

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

At least it wasn't on a store's floor.

cliffibom 15

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:11

I'd rather piss on the floor

howdeedoo 22

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:14

6-Why would they be having sex on a store's floor?

Jordath_Fil 11

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:52

Obviously 58 you have never had sex in a store... During business hours... ;)

Ani28 10

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 1:50

#58, it's a reference to an earlier FML about a drunk man relieving himself on a shop floor after being told that the shop didn't sell alcohol.

tigersman1c 19

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:47

i have, it was fun.

nigsuzzi 3

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:48

Based on 92s comment combined with his amazing self pic, I think we found that drunk!

SuperDanielNL 23

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:55

Well that's total satisfaction for ya... Good luck cleaning though.

zombieslayer83 19

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:58

All that matters is that it was intense.

DEATHBYEX1LE 11

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Monday 7 January 2013 22:16

and wet

ICastillo 24

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:59

That's not bad, I piss on everything on purpose. That's how I mark my territory.... Girls get mad at me when I do this, I don't know why...

buying_mace 5

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:57

You must be a relative of my husband. He does the same thing.

willbur73q 7

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Monday 7 January 2013 20:45

Weird comment. Yet I had to thumb it up.

His_Holiness 18

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:29

Is your name R Kelly by chance?

kobelstone23 13

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:01

I'm i the only one wondering why her husband read 50 shades of grey?

Razi_tail 25

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

Guys can read love stories as well, don't be judgemental.

kobelstone23 13

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:31

But its not a love story its book porn:p

PincessBoff 6

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:36

#27 There's your answer. Porn is porn to men! They don't care if its written down and put in a book or on a DVD. It's. All. Porn.

Fanain 2

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:37

Isn't that more of a reason a guy would feel inclined to reading it?

PincessBoff 6

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:39

#31 Exactly my point, above your comment.

charlton2142 5

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:42

Technically she said partner, coulda been another chick

Chelsea_bella 20

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Monday 7 January 2013 19:56

Her partner is a guy. She said "He was right" in the next sentence.

jmacfan1 16

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:18

Technically op is a guy. Look up in the corner of the fml. Blue guy sign

Veratas 9

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:21

Note to self. Buy a mattress cover and 50 Shades of Grey.

rachelphillie 1

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:50

60- my app shows that OP is female..

sig4life 18

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Monday 7 January 2013 21:59

OP is a girl, and guys normally don't do written porn, we are usually visual while women are more mental. Pardon the pun.

evilplatypus 38

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Monday 7 January 2013 22:14

60 - It's not blue, it's purple. And it's not guy sign, it's the female sign.

tigersman1c 19

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:50

Actually guys are more visually stimulated while women are more into reading. Basicly, guy porn lots of pictures, girl porn has a story and plot. lol

dmblonde 13

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:40

61 you can actually just download it online for free ;P

sig4life 18

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 6:52

#97 you should hear the Gilbert Godfrey does 50 Shades of Gray. Check it out, google it, I bet you will never look at the book or Godfrey the same, you may even pee without having an O.