Intimacy: Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making...

By wetsheets - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

You ass!

Do as I say, not as I do

By ginkobiloba

Today, a door-to-door salesman came to my apartment. I was too lazy to change from my teddy bear print pajamas, fuzzy socks and pink slippers when opening the door to him. He took one look at me and asked, "Hello darling, are your mommy and daddy home?" I'm 22 and live here on my own. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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By creepyeyes - Canada

Today, I got myself a cool pair of colored contacts. I was wearing them while at home, so that I'll get used to them. Then I had to go to a job interview. I forgot to take them out. I went to a job interview with zebra-print eyes. FML

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By Drew - United States - Harrodsburg

Today, it's my birthday. My grandma posted about it on her Facebook wall, but people got confused and thought it was her birthday instead. She got twice as many birthday wishes as I did, and that's including the ones I got outside of Facebook. FML

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 8/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Chemical warfare

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By jarv49 - Australia

Today, I saw my doc about the painful swelling I've had in my arm all week. He seemed totally out of it, and ended up telling me it's all in my head, despite the swelling. When I respectfully suggested it might be a blood issue, he just said "nah". FML

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By Anonymous - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

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By 530gangsta

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

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By fml7458364838 - United States

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, as a priest, I was invited to the home of a lady who claimed that the face of Jesus had appeared to her. She took me upstairs to her bathroom and... it was poo. She genuinely thought she could see Jesus in the poo sitting in her toilet bowl. FML

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By Overprotected - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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By nope

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By misi

Today, my mother threw a fit because the psychologist she got me suggested I visit a psychiatrist. Apparently, it's my fault because I "choose" to be so "crazy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

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By Witos - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom started fundraising and selling things on ebay. At first I was happy because I thought she was finally going to help me pay my college tuition. Turns out she's planning on raising money to get our dog a new friend because she's "lonely". FML

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By nobodywasthere

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Nice try

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 19:58

What's the point?

Today, my university required us to set learning goals for each semester and then evaluate them later. And no, the answer, "I want to learn whatever they teach me in the classes I’m taking" isn't permitted. Neither is picking your own classes. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

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By chappedchap - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

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By hlev24 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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By Bogrbon

It's called fashion Dave, look it up

Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML

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By poorchild - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got hit on. By a high school kid. Who looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. That was the only time anyone has ever hit on me. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Dad and I killed a cockroach with a large metal pole. It was the most bonding experience we have ever had. FML

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By harrysolo - United States

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

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By assoutofuandme - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my niece to house-sit because she acts very mature and sensible while her brother is an idle slob. Turns out the idle slob nephew is the mature one while the sensible niece actually likes to throw house parties. I found a used condom stuck to my ceiling. FML

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By pissedinSwiss - Switzerland

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

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By CanStandup

Today, a very large lady was sitting down and panting as she watched me stock the bottom shelves at my store. Apparently, being able to squat down and stand back up repeatedly means I'm mocking her, and she threatened to report me to corporate. FML

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By tumbleshay - United States - Veneta

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

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Top comments

By ariverperson | 11

#5313110 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

urine a bit of a messy situation there

By perdix | 29

#5313115 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

Tell everyone you're a "squirter," because that's a lot sexier than "bed-wetter."

COMMENTS

By tomhofer | 14

#5313105 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:48

That would put me in a pissy mood (haha)

Catkam623 | 27

#5313159 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

I simply feel bad for the cleaner with her shitty husband pissing all her money away and the problems of living by such a wet location.

rokemay | 10

#5313275 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:38

15 - What?

rokemay | 10

#5313277 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:39

...

aly_goes_rawr | 3

#5315083 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 23:08

DAMN YOU THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!

By razzberry | 9

#5313107 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:48

At least you got off?

U_GotitDude | 18

#5313287 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:50

But was it worth it?

CCSA | 12

#5313398 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:40

50- I guess OP might not totally enjoy the moment (or the moment shortly after), hence the FML, but there are definitely females who love such experience and consider it "worth it"

onlychildFTW | 33

#5314056 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:22

I think as long as you get off its a good thing.

IscoreOnU | 19

#5314075 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:36

Women would find a way to complain about orgasming lol

By ariverperson | 11

#5313110 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

urine a bit of a messy situation there

taka805 | 10

#5313382 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:18

Nice!!!

FlubbaBubba | 12

#5313889 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 6:57

I bet OP was a bit peeved after that incident.

ChazzyWazzy1998 | 10

#5328711 - Thursday 17 January 2013 23:16

There's a button for that #75 -_-

johobus28 | 26

#6004263 - Thursday 10 July 2014 22:59

Get out.

By micahdunk | 13

#5313111 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:49

Never to young to wet the bed I guess.

StalkerChick | 13

#5313160 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

Old?

micahdunk | 13

#5313192 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:29

Yeah. Commenting when you are half asleep isn't smart. I realized my mistake just as my edit time ran out.

ilovegordon | 6

#5313247 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:12

*Too young. Come on now, focus!

Sinamoi | 18

#5313381 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:17

Says the guy who missed the whole conversation above about her being too *old, not young.

By perdix | 29

#5313115 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

Tell everyone you're a "squirter," because that's a lot sexier than "bed-wetter."

rockstar362 | 8

#5313984 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Can I have your autograph?

T9FTW | 20

#5314577 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 16:55

Why? You're the rockstar..

rockstar362 | 8

#5314751 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 19:06

Touché

By Stalkerloo | 11

#5313118 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:52

At least it wasn't on a store's floor.

cliffibom | 15

#5313319 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:11

I'd rather piss on the floor

howdeedoo | 22

#5313322 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:14

6-Why would they be having sex on a store's floor?

Jordath_Fil | 11

#5313358 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:52

Obviously 58 you have never had sex in a store... During business hours... ;)

Ani28 | 10

#5313614 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 1:50

#58, it's a reference to an earlier FML about a drunk man relieving himself on a shop floor after being told that the shop didn't sell alcohol.

tigersman1c | 19

#5313783 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:47

i have, it was fun.

nigsuzzi | 3

#5313959 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:48

Based on 92s comment combined with his amazing self pic, I think we found that drunk!

By SuperDanielNL | 23

#5313121 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:55

Well that's total satisfaction for ya... Good luck cleaning though.

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5313129 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:58

All that matters is that it was intense.

DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5313379 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:16

and wet

By ICastillo | 24

#5313131 - Monday 7 January 2013 18:59

That's not bad, I piss on everything on purpose. That's how I mark my territory.... Girls get mad at me when I do this, I don't know why...

buying_mace | 5

#5313228 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:57

You must be a relative of my husband. He does the same thing.

willbur73q | 7

#5313282 - Monday 7 January 2013 20:45

Weird comment. Yet I had to thumb it up.

His_Holiness | 18

#5313824 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:29

Is your name R Kelly by chance?

By kobelstone23 | 13

#5313135 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:01

I'm i the only one wondering why her husband read 50 shades of grey?

Razi_tail | 25

#5313164 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:16

Guys can read love stories as well, don't be judgemental.

kobelstone23 | 13

#5313194 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:31

But its not a love story its book porn:p

PincessBoff | 6

#5313202 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:36

#27
There's your answer. Porn is porn to men! They don't care if its written down and put in a book or on a DVD. It's. All. Porn.

Fanain | 2

#5313204 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:37

Isn't that more of a reason a guy would feel inclined to reading it?

PincessBoff | 6

#5313208 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:39

#31
Exactly my point, above your comment.

charlton2142 | 5

#5313212 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:42

Technically she said partner, coulda been another chick

Chelsea_bella | 20

#5313226 - Monday 7 January 2013 19:56

Her partner is a guy. She said "He was right" in the next sentence.

jmacfan1 | 16

#5313327 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:18

Technically op is a guy. Look up in the corner of the fml. Blue guy sign

Veratas | 9

#5313330 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:21

Note to self. Buy a mattress cover and 50 Shades of Grey.

rachelphillie | 1

#5313356 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:50

60- my app shows that OP is female..

sig4life | 18

#5313364 - Monday 7 January 2013 21:59

OP is a girl, and guys normally don't do written porn, we are usually visual while women are more mental. Pardon the pun.

evilplatypus | 38

#5313378 - Monday 7 January 2013 22:14

60 - It's not blue, it's purple. And it's not guy sign, it's the female sign.

tigersman1c | 19

#5313784 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 4:50

Actually guys are more visually stimulated while women are more into reading. Basicly, guy porn lots of pictures, girl porn has a story and plot. lol

dmblonde | 13

#5313833 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 5:40

61 you can actually just download it online for free ;P

sig4life | 18

#5313886 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 6:52

#97 you should hear the Gilbert Godfrey does 50 Shades of Gray. Check it out, google it, I bet you will never look at the book or Godfrey the same, you may even pee without having an O.