Work: Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting...

By Anonymous - 07/01/2013 11:11 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 286

You deserved it 2 245

Work

Mama's boy

Once bitten…

Quite the journey

By MsConfusedd - 01/09/2012 04:30 - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 681

You deserved it 2 017

By footfood - 27/06/2011 14:56 - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 177

You deserved it 7 706

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 19:03 - United States - Springfield

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 782

You deserved it 3 008

By Anonymous - 08/08/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 526

You deserved it 68 928

By Danny - 07/01/2012 10:27 - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 746

You deserved it 44 144

No kink-shaming on FML

By thedoc - 15/07/2014 03:25 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 428

You deserved it 6 925

By levit - 08/06/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 415

You deserved it 68 114

Full of himself

By myfavoritesgouda - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Manhasset

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself, after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 547

You deserved it 9 623

By Gross - 21/07/2013 23:20 - United States - Houston

Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 802

You deserved it 3 916

Google Maps strikes again!

By -_- - 21/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 778

You deserved it 265

By Samipearl - 12/11/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 423

You deserved it 6 372

By Broly171 - 01/10/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 5 621

By AlexB - 19/08/2016 07:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 316

You deserved it 1 424

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 352

You deserved it 2 880

News from China

By HkxAliso0302 - 03/03/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 175

By got any coupons? - 23/12/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 890

You deserved it 3 393

By Anonymous - 18/05/2012 19:19 - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 369

You deserved it 3 523

By jakeeey - 18/01/2013 01:16 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 069

You deserved it 10 884

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 036

You deserved it 34 157

By 44haley44 - 12/07/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 650

You deserved it 57 096

By Anonymous - 08/01/2016 17:38 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 497

You deserved it 9 621

By coolchicka05 - 06/10/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 825

You deserved it 9 727

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 14:26 - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 737

You deserved it 14 317

By Ashy104 - 09/01/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 748

You deserved it 26 308

By wannadi - 03/03/2013 09:29 - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 580

You deserved it 2 835

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Anonymous - 04/04/2021 07:59

Today, I found out that they won't hold my stimulus for child support, only to find out that they withheld it to give it to me when I file my taxes. Which child support will take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 1 702

By Yoooooo0 - 29/11/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 964

You deserved it 3 705

By savanna - 03/05/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 261

You deserved it 4 581

By slickboy0023 - 16/03/2010 15:30 - United States

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 842

You deserved it 5 601

By shitface - 25/01/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 490

You deserved it 3 419

By hunter168647 - 02/07/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 129

You deserved it 8 553

By anon - 05/12/2014 15:44 - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 802

You deserved it 2 456

NFL 2020

By boredbymyself - 17/09/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 086

You deserved it 163

Work is hell

By Levi2411 - 06/01/2021 11:01

Today, I had to do the job of 3 to 4 people. Spending the first half in the bakery by myself, I then had to run over to the deli and cook everything for the day while helping lines of customers. Why? Because 8 people are on Covid leave. Instead of shutting down the department, welcome to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 1 190

By Anonymous - 22/04/2013 23:37 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 667

You deserved it 3 716

Chill the fuck out, Todd

By itsdezzz - 09/03/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 426

You deserved it 1 348

By Username - 23/07/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 198

You deserved it 3 210

By overlandparkmommie - 14/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 359

You deserved it 3 716

By Anonymous - 01/06/2010 16:43 - United States

Today, I finally convinced my son to use the potty. Later, he saw a show on TV about a toilet monster. Now he's too scared to even step foot into the bathroom. Here's to another few months of diaper changes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 895

You deserved it 4 483

By Anonymous - 20/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 634

You deserved it 3 418

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Top comments

Phoenixke 16

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:11

Should have given him water and said it was vodka...

FrietvanPiet 16

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:12

How can you even say he is a gentleman?

wholikesbacon 9

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:10

Dude, urinating on the floor isn't cool.

Soloman212 28

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:16

Isn't it what all the hip youngsters are doing these days??

friedpwnadge 25

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:30

Urinating on the floor is awesome :)

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:31

13- No, not really.

Catkam623 27

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:35

24 it was a joke.

joshiepo0 18

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:08

I don't know about you guys but everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest. The guy who urinated on the floor just wasn't cool enough.

AnimeCookie 9

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:35

No, it's warm.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

26- I know :) but sarcasm, both the depiction (although it was clear in this case) and interpretation are bulldozed with a fuckhose online. Right?

Phoenixke 16

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:11

Should have given him water and said it was vodka...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:31

Should've rubbed his face in it!!

badbadkitty 5

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:53

Haha! Someone that drunk wouldn't know the difference, or wouldn't care.

DEATHBYEX1LE 11

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Monday 7 January 2013 22:23

31- Point of the comment.

cgchamp89 7

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:11

Once you break the seal, it's just so hard to hold it... I feel sorry for the guy

Feared 9

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:39

Yup. Once you break the seal, urine trouble.

gc327072 30

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:42

Once you break a seal, PETA never leaves you alone. :( Don't make the same mistake I made, kiddos.

Maverick52 13

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Monday 7 January 2013 17:01

Once you rape a seal... Oh you said break?!

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:12

Well what happened to him?

ttqq 7

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 0:41

Im sure he had the cops called on him.

FrietvanPiet 16

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:12

How can you even say he is a gentleman?

rockstar362 8

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Monday 7 January 2013 18:22

I believe in this context gentleman isn't used to illustrate the quality of a mans character but is rather just a noun for a man

comedybreak 20

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:15

I don't comment very frequently but don't you mean synonym ?

rockstar362 8

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:56

Lol a synonym is a word that has the same or a similar meaning to a different word

comedybreak 20

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 2:33

Exactly, you wrote "noun for man." A noun is a person, place, or thing.

SerpentBoy 8

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:13

The real question is,if you did have alcohol to sell him.... would he have pissed on the floor anyway? My gut is saying yes..

perdix 29

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:14

Ironically, he ended up donating a substantial amount.

friedpwnadge 25

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:14

That must have pissed you off.

Phoenixke 16

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:16

+1 for you...

shan88 14

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Monday 7 January 2013 17:02

-1 for you...

zeenabxo 6

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:15

Did you have to clean it?

ManInTheMachine 19

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Monday 7 January 2013 16:15

Still a better love story than Twilight.* (*Relevance: an actor from Twilight, when kicked off of a plane for being drunk, pissed on the terminal floor.)