Love: Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 187

You deserved it 47

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 974

19/11/2011 07:47

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 158

You deserved it 7 086

Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

So that makes it alright?

08/05/2013 14:44

Spicy

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 425

You deserved it 5 667

19/03/2009 16:41

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 963

You deserved it 47 126

Free healthcare for all

By Vickie - 18/06/2021 16:00

Today, while mopping the kitchen, I ended up slipping and and knocked over the table that had my mom’s iPad on it. The screen shattered; I sprained my wrist. I asked my mom to take me to the ER. She called me "selfish" because her iPad screen repair would "cost more." FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 86

13/12/2015 07:45

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 842

You deserved it 3 290

30/12/2014 04:17

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 952

You deserved it 3 274

14/12/2010 04:13

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 527

19/11/2012 21:08

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 560

You deserved it 6 121

01/06/2014 21:03

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 695

You deserved it 4 119

Our house, is a very very very fine house

By Anonymous - 24/03/2021 17:00

Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 110

06/01/2010 14:55

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 366

You deserved it 2 802

06/08/2012 21:37

Today, I was at the store with my grandpa. When we were rung up, he started to pay for our myriad groceries in coins, and the guy behind us groaned. My grandpa said, "shut your mouth," and started ranting about how stupid people are to leave paper trails for "government spooks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 306

You deserved it 2 189

22/12/2010 09:50

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 578

You deserved it 2 883

03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 034

You deserved it 306

20/06/2018 01:30

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 904

You deserved it 254

14/02/2010 01:21

Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 685

You deserved it 34 659

Not for me

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 1 072

11/05/2009 17:07

Spicy

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 023

You deserved it 3 514

11/11/2012 00:29

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 173

You deserved it 1 646

22/01/2010 18:33

Today, I found my mom throwing my very expensive and important medication down the toilet. She thought I was doing drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 392

You deserved it 2 697

Are you kidding me?

By The nice guy finishing Last - 27/03/2017 12:00

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 036

You deserved it 219

15/09/2013 18:47

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 549

You deserved it 2 796

14/04/2011 23:29

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 089

You deserved it 26 123

Just because you can don't mean you should

By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 20:06

Today, I got stuck in my washing machine. When my sister saw me, she just left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 741

10/12/2015 02:59

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 413

You deserved it 1 677

Doo doo doodoodoo doo doo

By fuck your music - 16/07/2019 07:30

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 810

You deserved it 522

05/11/2010 23:14

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 309

You deserved it 2 954

06/03/2010 06:16

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 027

You deserved it 8 583

06/08/2012 06:37

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 514

You deserved it 5 833

28/04/2009 22:13

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217 950

You deserved it 15 276

08/07/2015 15:16

Today, I'm so out of shape that I got winded from getting out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 989

You deserved it 17 978

25/05/2011 11:34

Today, I turned in an essay after staying up late to work on it. I was away when the teacher assigned it, so I'd asked my friend what the subject was. It transpires that she'd given me the wrong one, all because she was mad at me for not returning her pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 409

You deserved it 7 528

26/08/2011 18:29

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 566

You deserved it 3 694

30/04/2009 12:16

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 375

You deserved it 15 246

04/07/2013 07:03

Spicy

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 299

You deserved it 12 313

Perfect timing!

By Savanerzz - 18/03/2018 01:30

Today my fiancé broke up with me. Two hours later, the store I bought my dress from called to say it’s ready to be picked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 874

You deserved it 283

14/06/2015 08:10

Today, I laid in bed until 3am kept up by a house party. In my own house. Which my housemates didn't invite me to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 623

You deserved it 3 628

02/11/2013 18:46

Today, like every other day, my daughter thinks that degrading skinny people is very "non-conformist" and "edgy". This time, though, a slightly slim girl punched her in the face when she accused her of being anorexic. Now people think I gave my daughter her new black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 296

You deserved it 6 932

13/07/2012 20:13

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 709

You deserved it 37 510

27/04/2017 02:00

Today, while working at my truck stop, I helped a trucker check his tires. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and we chatted for a bit. After he took off and I walked back inside, I went to clean the shower he was in before. Turns out he took a shit on the floor. His wife had been in there with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 735

You deserved it 320

11/06/2009 15:21

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 015

You deserved it 3 504

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:09

What the hell did you do?

IKickPuppiesHard 16

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:11

Look her dead in the face and say "This wouldnt be the case if you hadn't failed to use a condom".

Comments

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:04

damn

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Saturday 19 November 2011 14:23

Honesty points? Sorry OP

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Sunday 20 November 2011 5:03

lol I would just say: "Yes, you have...."

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Sunday 20 November 2011 6:09

How do we know the next thing his mom said wasn't, "I can't believe you smoked that weed!"

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:09

What the hell did you do?

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:16

Maybe he's under-age and already addicted to drugs or beer. Or maybe she's disappointed that he probaly had sex too early

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:42

Mom's saying, "I should have swallowed you.."

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Saturday 19 November 2011 19:18

He probably likes country.

MyMilkShake2Yard 0

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Sunday 20 November 2011 1:56

Or I shouldve put u on my hair

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Sunday 20 November 2011 3:17

It could be your siblings and not you, OP.

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Monday 21 November 2011 2:49

Introduce her to OP's long lost sister?

cadillacgal79 32

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Monday 7 July 2014 16:43

51-There is nothing wrong with country, If somebody likes a different genre of music than you than there is no need to hate on it, simple as that, you can say you don't care for it and leave it at that.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:09

Well, what did you do to make her say that?

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Saturday 19 November 2011 19:45

44 Come out of the closet. No point in hiding it.

Blueglasscup 18

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Saturday 19 November 2011 20:25

Yeah sure because it's just that damn simple to come out.

shrdlu 28

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 8:46

#44: Read the play "Death of a Salesman." One of the characters (Biff) was everything you're not, and still discovers he's a failure.

shrdlu 28

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 8:48

Blueglasscup 18

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:10

At first when I read this I thought it was because OP's mom thought he was ugly.

ewputthataway 0

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Thursday 24 November 2011 15:35

Thats what I thought o-0 I was thinking: "Daammnnn coollddd...."

IKickPuppiesHard 16

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:11

Look her dead in the face and say "This wouldnt be the case if you hadn't failed to use a condom".

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:20

Nice stealing my idea! .... From my head.... As I was commenting it..... >:( *glare*

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Saturday 19 November 2011 14:31

7 I think #5s picture explains his response to your comment

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Saturday 19 November 2011 15:30

I'm not sure how your comment below is the same as 5's....

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Monday 21 November 2011 6:15

Your name is quite disturbing!!

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Sunday 27 November 2011 1:17

dayum straight .

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:17

Here's what'cha do. Look her dead in the eye and say "I know" then slip in to your leather ass-less chaps, grab your ball gag and whip, call up some 'friends' to meet you at a preappointed hotel room for your weekly 'game', then hop onto the back of a large black motorcycle driven by some large, creepy looking biker dude, and finally: wave good bye to mummy and say "I love you!" (then as an after thought) "you can't get pregnant in the ass, right?! Ah, I'll figure it out, no worries!" (btw, vultures, I do know op is a guy, and no, I have no issue with LGBT people)

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Saturday 19 November 2011 13:55

Don't know what issues you have,....but you do have some.

MarjoCupcake 11

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Saturday 19 November 2011 14:00

Goodness gracious, you are irritating.

13FTW 9

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Saturday 19 November 2011 14:36

What the fuck. Normally I thumb up for long comments because, the commenter took some effort but, after reading that, I'd rather shit lead logs out of my ass. (Previous FML reference)

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Saturday 19 November 2011 14:36

Sometimes bitches like you need to shut the f**ck up

murdersquirrel 15

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:12

"hop onto a large black motorcycle" There are so many things not funny about that comment.

FranzFerdinand 18

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Saturday 19 November 2011 17:19

Lead logs? You shouldn't have to deal with that. I hear there's medication to turn them back into floaty flakers… 8D Hm, her comment wasn't thaaat bad. Just annoying, haha.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 18:16

Just stop trying!!

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Saturday 19 November 2011 19:10

People that say goodness gracious are irritating...

EvilCupcake8361 9

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Saturday 19 November 2011 20:33

6: not one of my favorite comments of yours but nice effort, here's a cookie.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 21:59

Yay, my attempt at majorly trolling has succeeded!!! ^_^ I feel Quite accomplished

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:21

The truth hurts... I suggest a really really late term abortion. :D Problem solved.

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Sunday 20 November 2011 2:24

Im always tryna preach post partum abortion!...but then casey anthony took me seriously lol

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:21

Just say "no, mum. You have failed at life in general. Good thing I am not like you otherwise I would be a failure too."

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:24

Mother, I am disappoint.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:22

I never knew someone named their child disappoint. o_0

AmeliaBadelia 0

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Saturday 19 November 2011 12:30

Maybe you failed her as a child...?

Captain0bv10us 0

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Saturday 19 November 2011 23:42

*facepalm*

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Sunday 20 November 2011 6:56

*facedesk*

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Sunday 20 November 2011 16:23

*faceknife*

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Sunday 20 November 2011 16:27

*faceknife*