Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake...

By cieee - 13/2/2012 07:09 - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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Miscellaneous

Abuse

Everyone's an expert

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 18:00

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

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By exfiancee - 5/8/2012 13:20 - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By irishbabycakes - 25/1/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

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By jobless - 20/1/2009 16:52 - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

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By cjj325 - 20/3/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my best friend. We were on the beach and it was fairly crowded but we got in the water at this really secluded area. While we were swimming I looked up to see a homeless man wearing my clothes, walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 17:25 - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

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By halliemarie1818 - 24/4/2013 02:01 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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By candymansvan17 - 17/8/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

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By Username - 1/7/2010 04:55 - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, the guy I have loved for seven years asked me to move in with him. Turns out he only did so because he needed someone to pay the rent since he's quit his job. FML

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By nolongerengaged - 3/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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By christinabear - 15/4/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 01:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By ShortieRose - 28/5/2019 22:13

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

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By Cold feet - 7/4/2019 12:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I found out that my roommate was responsible for stealing my socks. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he did it because he likes looking at my bare feet and jerking off into my socks. We’re both guys. FML

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By Shaz - 24/8/2019 06:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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By S. Michaels - 14/3/2012 15:17 - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

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By Benchthewarmer - 8/7/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

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By letdown13 - 3/4/2013 16:50 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

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By IHateMySister - 2/1/2016 10:36 - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 21:50 - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - 12/10/2013 20:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2013 04:12 - United States

Today, I texted a cute picture of my boyfriend and me to my mom, who lives very far away. She replied saying that my Photoshop skills are great, but that I don't need to go so far to pretend that anyone would date me, and that there's no shame in being single at 25. FML

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By Madeline Lee - 9/4/2012 21:34 - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

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By buiuuum - 27/7/2011 16:35 - United States

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

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By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

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By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 22:49 - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2019 04:30

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

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By sunitgir - 21/10/2019 06:00

Gordon Ramsey is furious

Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML

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By Twomanybananas - 23/1/2017 16:00

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 19:09 - France - Minzier

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

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By I hate Walmart???? - 24/2/2014 09:36 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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By shadowednavi - 26/4/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, one of the guests I was in the middle of seating knocked an empty wine glass from the table. I assured them it was all right and kneeled down to pick up the now broken glass. The lady insisted on helping as far as picking the glass up and dumping the shards into my open hands. FML

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By bobuhbeartoe - 24/8/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

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By gaggin - 26/12/2012 19:30 - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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By My Daughter Fails at Life - 26/9/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

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By katie06 - 28/10/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

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Top comments

By kshafer08 | 7

#4029240 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#4029248 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

COMMENTS

By kshafer08 | 7

#4029240 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

deeters | 0

#4029281 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:13

Lol I wish my mum was like that

jerseyboy732 | 16

#4029311 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:25

SUPPORT THE TROOPS!

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4029468 - Monday 13 February 2012 13:16

I fucking love cupcakes.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#4029660 - Monday 13 February 2012 15:20

I know how OP feels. My family says shit like that to me all the time. But I know they're only joking. Lol

Wederoney | 16

#4031183 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 1:11

Damn that's funny xD. This is going right into my favourites.

UnleashedKilla1 | 4

#4031387 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:04

Damn right I love my cupcakes! I eat them when the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and no I'm not fat.

KGBelle24 | 7

#4032162 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 4:23

Watch out, we got a badass over here!

PlastikSeraph | 2

#4032631 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 6:38

WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARD ROBS A CUPCAKE STORE?!?! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??

confusedAsFuck | 34

#5629110 - Thursday 15 August 2013 20:25

Your mum is the definition of fun. Embrace it while you still can

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#4029248 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

FinnishAmerican | 3

#4029402 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:52

Lol yes she is, op you need to lighten up! Learn how to take a joke!

pedosmurf | 7

#4029484 - Monday 13 February 2012 13:19

Haha ur far bet you took cupcakes? Funny

By Alli201103 | 3

#4029252 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:05

Well actually it was very funny :)

Ugi | 26

#4029560 - Monday 13 February 2012 14:21

Don't know why you're thumbed down #3 - I heartily agree.

Edit - sorry, either something's odd with my display today or 20 people have up'ed #3 in the last 2 mins - was showing -9!

GuardianxCore | 0

#4030831 - Monday 13 February 2012 23:16

Sorry but I don't quite understand the joke.. Can someone explain?

Pixxio_O | 11

#4030893 - Monday 13 February 2012 23:39

^ OP got called fat by his/her mum

By speshlk37 | 13

#4029257 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:06

Should have said, "The Jerk Store called, they're running out of you!"

poprocksss73 | 7

#4029322 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:27

Classic George. (:

onlychildFTW | 33

#4030232 - Monday 13 February 2012 20:15

Haha. Gotta love George costansa.

I have no idea if I spelled that right.

jmanh | 6

#4031958 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 3:39

Llllllllooooooolllllll

poprocksss73 | 7

#4033514 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:11

George Cantstandya

By Mirorbo | 26

#4029263 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:07

If it's a one time thing, laugh it off, darling. If she does this repeatedly and there's nothing wrong with your weight, then she has issues to work out.