Miscellaneous: Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake...

By cieee - 13/02/2012 07:09 - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 794

You deserved it 5 021

Miscellaneous

Dysfunctional

Dementia or hate? You decide

Asshat

Christmas Racket

By Dave - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 981

You deserved it 4 605

By uncleaning - 22/07/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 436

You deserved it 4 571

By Talkingbeforethinking - 16/03/2019 18:00

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 590

By Anonymous - 22/08/2019 13:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 314

By Lena - 18/10/2015 17:06 - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 269

You deserved it 3 076

By anonymous - 08/12/2011 10:37 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 036

You deserved it 4 252

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 152

You deserved it 2 458

By teef - 24/03/2009 08:19 - Canada

Today, at the store, I heard a kid complaining about getting braces. While I was saying 'thank you' and 'bye' to the cashier, his grandma must've seen my slightly crooked teeth. She pointed and said, "Without them, your teeth will look bad like that man's!" Everyone around looked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 596

You deserved it 4 552

By Anonymous - 05/02/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 120

You deserved it 3 563

Good deeds

By Muddyidiot - 06/01/2021 05:01

Today, after I was done testing a group of people for Covid, the universe decided that no, the deed was not good enough. On the way to the bus stop, I slipped and had to ride home covered in mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 00:04 - United States - Reno

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 272

You deserved it 4 379

By mikki bee - 30/12/2014 17:24 - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 090

You deserved it 2 512

By TheComedyAudio - 06/04/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 677

You deserved it 319

By babymomma - 14/09/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 989

You deserved it 5 631

By DIY560 - 24/02/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 712

You deserved it 3 698

By loser. - 20/03/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 535

You deserved it 5 473

By darknight - 21/07/2019 02:03

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 3 770

By Anonymous - 14/08/2018 15:00

Today, my boyfriend's car broke down on the way to the gym, so he called his dad to give us a ride. On the way, his dad talked about how much he hates me and our relationship, as if I wasn’t sitting in the back seat directly behind them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 979

You deserved it 194

By Sir Davos of Shit Creek - 13/05/2016 20:00 - Canada - Frankford

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 983

You deserved it 11 101

Drunk dick

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 20:00

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 163

By Casdmo - 29/04/2018 15:00

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 053

You deserved it 314

By Mayrose125 - 29/11/2016 07:32

Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 714

You deserved it 767

Money!

By Sheezey - 24/02/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 320

You deserved it 6 759

Call CPS!

By Anonymous - 30/05/2020 17:00

Today, I discovered via my webcam that my brother believes in teaching babies to self-soothe, which in practice means ignoring my baby until she stops crying, only changing the nappy once in the 7 hours I was at work, and forgetting to feed her at all because he’s too busy watching Netflix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 936

You deserved it 279

We could be heroes…

By Fired - 08/04/2011 11:58

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 030

You deserved it 5 664

Missed opportunities

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 08:01

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 701

You deserved it 237

Starved

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 22:01

Today, I'm so hopelessly lonely that I've agreed to meet up with my ex for some semblance of friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 195

Planned Parenthood

By Anonymous - 06/09/2019 22:01 - United States

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 01/04/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 787

You deserved it 4 573

By Anonymous - 26/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 982

You deserved it 225

Fight the power!

By Balphleair - 19/10/2019 13:00 - Lebanon - Saida

Today, my country went on strike and is overthrowing the government, and I'm stuck on a night shift at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 114

By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 05:19 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, at the age of 29, I now have a relationship on par with a teenager's. Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I lost our home, and are now back living with our respective families. We now have no privacy. I actually just got dropped off at home, before 10, after having sex in a hay field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 896

You deserved it 5 015

By BadDad - 30/04/2017 15:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 763

You deserved it 654

By bbbbb - 14/10/2012 05:29 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 215

You deserved it 1 882

By Coach - 30/10/2009 13:19 - United States

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 323

You deserved it 41 529

By help me - 01/06/2014 15:51 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 728

You deserved it 9 907

Kids say the darndest things

By Anonymous - 30/09/2020 02:02

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 1 036

By Ali - 07/07/2012 20:23 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, I packed all my clothes in a black garbage bag, so I could easily move them to my new house. When I came back outside to load it into my car, the bag was missing, and all I could see was a garbage truck driving away with the week's trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 675

You deserved it 30 516

By brotheritachi - 13/06/2017 16:00

Today, it was my first driving lesson. I was so bad, the police stopped me and accused me of being drunk, because I almost crashed into the pole in front of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 428

You deserved it 922

By Hairy_Potter - 23/01/2014 17:13 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 449

You deserved it 3 921

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Top comments

kshafer08 7

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

Buttsexpirate 9

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

kshafer08 7

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

deeters 0

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:13

Lol I wish my mum was like that

jerseyboy732 16

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:25

SUPPORT THE TROOPS!

_Oblivion_ 12

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Monday 13 February 2012 13:16

I fucking love cupcakes.

MeeshaMeeshaPup 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 15:20

I know how OP feels. My family says shit like that to me all the time. But I know they're only joking. Lol

Wederoney 16

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 1:11

Damn that's funny xD. This is going right into my favourites.

UnleashedKilla1 4

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:04

Damn right I love my cupcakes! I eat them when the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and no I'm not fat.

KGBelle24 7

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 4:23

Watch out, we got a badass over here!

PlastikSeraph 2

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 6:38

WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARD ROBS A CUPCAKE STORE?!?! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??

confusedAsFuck 34

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Thursday 15 August 2013 20:25

Your mum is the definition of fun. Embrace it while you still can

Buttsexpirate 9

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

FinnishAmerican 3

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:52

Lol yes she is, op you need to lighten up! Learn how to take a joke!

pedosmurf 7

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Monday 13 February 2012 13:19

Haha ur far bet you took cupcakes? Funny

Alli201103 3

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:05

Well actually it was very funny :)

Ugi 26

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Monday 13 February 2012 14:21

Don't know why you're thumbed down #3 - I heartily agree. Edit - sorry, either something's odd with my display today or 20 people have up'ed #3 in the last 2 mins - was showing -9!

GuardianxCore 0

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Monday 13 February 2012 23:16

Sorry but I don't quite understand the joke.. Can someone explain?

Pixxio_O 11

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Monday 13 February 2012 23:39

^ OP got called fat by his/her mum

speshlk37 13

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:06

Should have said, "The Jerk Store called, they're running out of you!"

poprocksss73 7

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:27

Classic George. (:

onlychildFTW 33

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Monday 13 February 2012 20:15

Haha. Gotta love George costansa. I have no idea if I spelled that right.

jmanh 6

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 3:39

Llllllllooooooolllllll

poprocksss73 7

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:11

George Cantstandya

Mirorbo 26

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Monday 13 February 2012 12:07

If it's a one time thing, laugh it off, darling. If she does this repeatedly and there's nothing wrong with your weight, then she has issues to work out.