Miscellaneous: Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake...

By cieee - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

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Buyer's market

By a - United Kingdom - Ascot

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

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By Nancy

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By NoFriends - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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By canadiansun - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By lindsey789 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By Ella - Australia

Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML

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By shawty_x - United Kingdom

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

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By FASHlONABLE - United States

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

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By Anonymous

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

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By Fiona the Deceived

Baby New Year?

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

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By sucksatlove - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

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64873

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By dazzla08 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

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By the long distance guy - United States - Waterbury

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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By hockey - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By Witos - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom started fundraising and selling things on ebay. At first I was happy because I thought she was finally going to help me pay my college tuition. Turns out she's planning on raising money to get our dog a new friend because she's "lonely". FML

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By - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Can't get no…

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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By go fish

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By Can2 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

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By WhyIHateTeachers - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

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By Unlucky

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

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By Criminal - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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By sammy18f - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

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By Dulieu - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand

He doesn't even go here!

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

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By miley098 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from school, only to find I was locked out. The cars were all there, but no one was in. It wasn't until I heard continuous banging from my parents' window that it clicked. They locked me out for over an hour in freezing weather just to have sex. FML

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By For - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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31563

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 14:00

That devil water

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

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1709

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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3383

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By Sarah_Mow

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

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By kill me

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

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3792

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

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Top comments

By kshafer08 | 7

#4029240 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#4029248 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

COMMENTS

By kshafer08 | 7

#4029240 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

deeters | 0

#4029281 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:13

Lol I wish my mum was like that

jerseyboy732 | 16

#4029311 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:25

SUPPORT THE TROOPS!

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4029468 - Monday 13 February 2012 13:16

I fucking love cupcakes.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#4029660 - Monday 13 February 2012 15:20

I know how OP feels. My family says shit like that to me all the time. But I know they're only joking. Lol

Wederoney | 16

#4031183 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 1:11

Damn that's funny xD. This is going right into my favourites.

UnleashedKilla1 | 4

#4031387 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:04

Damn right I love my cupcakes! I eat them when the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and no I'm not fat.

KGBelle24 | 7

#4032162 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 4:23

Watch out, we got a badass over here!

PlastikSeraph | 2

#4032631 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 6:38

WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARD ROBS A CUPCAKE STORE?!?! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??

confusedAsFuck | 34

#5629110 - Thursday 15 August 2013 20:25

Your mum is the definition of fun. Embrace it while you still can

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#4029248 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

FinnishAmerican | 3

#4029402 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:52

Lol yes she is, op you need to lighten up! Learn how to take a joke!

pedosmurf | 7

#4029484 - Monday 13 February 2012 13:19

Haha ur far bet you took cupcakes? Funny

By Alli201103 | 3

#4029252 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:05

Well actually it was very funny :)

Ugi | 26

#4029560 - Monday 13 February 2012 14:21

Don't know why you're thumbed down #3 - I heartily agree.

Edit - sorry, either something's odd with my display today or 20 people have up'ed #3 in the last 2 mins - was showing -9!

GuardianxCore | 0

#4030831 - Monday 13 February 2012 23:16

Sorry but I don't quite understand the joke.. Can someone explain?

Pixxio_O | 11

#4030893 - Monday 13 February 2012 23:39

^ OP got called fat by his/her mum

By speshlk37 | 13

#4029257 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:06

Should have said, "The Jerk Store called, they're running out of you!"

poprocksss73 | 7

#4029322 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:27

Classic George. (:

onlychildFTW | 33

#4030232 - Monday 13 February 2012 20:15

Haha. Gotta love George costansa.

I have no idea if I spelled that right.

jmanh | 6

#4031958 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 3:39

Llllllllooooooolllllll

poprocksss73 | 7

#4033514 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:11

George Cantstandya

By Mirorbo | 26

#4029263 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:07

If it's a one time thing, laugh it off, darling. If she does this repeatedly and there's nothing wrong with your weight, then she has issues to work out.