Miscellaneous: Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake...

By cieee - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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Miscellaneous

Crushed

On the beat

Social media was a mistake

By newswithabitofbite - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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15854

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By Uriah - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17153

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By Silver_Samurai - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

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25637

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

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By R2A8 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1990

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275

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By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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25689

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By owngoalscored

Overreaction much?

Today, I was watching a movie that had a mild sex scene in it. My mother walked in just as that scene was starting and she flipped out. I'm now grounded. She's taken my TV and laptop out of my room and refuses to let me see my boyfriend because she's sure he's the cause of my "disgusting behaviour". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3616

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By Grauncho - United States - Chicago

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

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25600

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By wasntworththedrive - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

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23399

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By coral - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

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53526

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Burlington

Themed

Today, I blew Christmas out of my nose. Out of one nostril came thick green mucus, and out of the other, thick red blood. Let the holiday season begin. FML

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By KMO - United States

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

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By regected - United States

Today, I went to the movies with the girl I liked. She kept on eating my popcorn so I whispered in her ear "Pretty soon your going to have to repay me with kisses." Then she looked at me and walked out the theatre. She came back with a bucket of popcorn and said "Here, you're repaid." FML

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By rofld - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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17812

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By oops - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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49237

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29754

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By Daivv - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that shouting 'arsehole' at a speeding car is not a good idea. Two chavs MIGHT just turn around, drive onto the pavement and push you into a bush. FML

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12193

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By notattractiveatall - Australia - Newcastle

Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML

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25689

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By fuck no!

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

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1555

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228

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By kronic1990 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped over a "wet floor" sign at work and hit the floor hard. The floor wasn't even wet. FML

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31120

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By sadfantasy - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

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21849

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By dank meme - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

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5307

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That's a mother

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

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2475

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on a job trial at the local pet shop and, naturally, was doing all the disgusting jobs. As I was cleaning the kittens' litter in the cat enclosure, someone thought it would be funny to lock me in there. I sat in a giant cage in the middle of the store with people laughing at me. FML

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32372

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By preggo - Australia

Today, my boyfriend's father suggested that, ideally, I should aim to have my baby in early July, or wait until he gets back from Europe in October. I'm due September 4th, and he will be "incredibly disappointed" if he misses the birth of his first grandchild due to my "selfishness". FML

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36015

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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47406

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By Nate - 21/12/2020 11:02

Born to run

Today, I can’t divorce my lazy, unemployed, shopping-addicted, cheating wife because her father is one of the best, sleaziest, underhanded divorce lawyers in our city. FML

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1068

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By notakeeper - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

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56976

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By Anon - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

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21733

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3015

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

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48446

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By fmlxxxx - New Zealand

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18114

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By alittlepersonal - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22044

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79559

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By Missyangel - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30300

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By MissKitty

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4946

You deserved it

679

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24893

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 05:02

Priorities

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1397

You deserved it

222

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By Anonymous - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28948

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By anonymus - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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Top comments

By kshafer08 | 7

#4029240 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#4029248 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

COMMENTS

By kshafer08 | 7

#4029240 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:02

Mom-1 You-0

deeters | 0

#4029281 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:13

Lol I wish my mum was like that

jerseyboy732 | 16

#4029311 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:25

SUPPORT THE TROOPS!

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4029468 - Monday 13 February 2012 13:16

I fucking love cupcakes.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#4029660 - Monday 13 February 2012 15:20

I know how OP feels. My family says shit like that to me all the time. But I know they're only joking. Lol

Wederoney | 16

#4031183 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 1:11

Damn that's funny xD. This is going right into my favourites.

UnleashedKilla1 | 4

#4031387 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:04

Damn right I love my cupcakes! I eat them when the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and no I'm not fat.

KGBelle24 | 7

#4032162 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 4:23

Watch out, we got a badass over here!

PlastikSeraph | 2

#4032631 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 6:38

WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARD ROBS A CUPCAKE STORE?!?! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??

confusedAsFuck | 34

#5629110 - Thursday 15 August 2013 20:25

Your mum is the definition of fun. Embrace it while you still can

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#4029248 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:04

Haha your mom's pretty hilarious.

FinnishAmerican | 3

#4029402 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:52

Lol yes she is, op you need to lighten up! Learn how to take a joke!

pedosmurf | 7

#4029484 - Monday 13 February 2012 13:19

Haha ur far bet you took cupcakes? Funny

By Alli201103 | 3

#4029252 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:05

Well actually it was very funny :)

Ugi | 26

#4029560 - Monday 13 February 2012 14:21

Don't know why you're thumbed down #3 - I heartily agree.

Edit - sorry, either something's odd with my display today or 20 people have up'ed #3 in the last 2 mins - was showing -9!

GuardianxCore | 0

#4030831 - Monday 13 February 2012 23:16

Sorry but I don't quite understand the joke.. Can someone explain?

Pixxio_O | 11

#4030893 - Monday 13 February 2012 23:39

^ OP got called fat by his/her mum

By speshlk37 | 13

#4029257 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:06

Should have said, "The Jerk Store called, they're running out of you!"

poprocksss73 | 7

#4029322 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:27

Classic George. (:

onlychildFTW | 33

#4030232 - Monday 13 February 2012 20:15

Haha. Gotta love George costansa.

I have no idea if I spelled that right.

jmanh | 6

#4031958 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 3:39

Llllllllooooooolllllll

poprocksss73 | 7

#4033514 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:11

George Cantstandya

By Mirorbo | 26

#4029263 - Monday 13 February 2012 12:07

If it's a one time thing, laugh it off, darling. If she does this repeatedly and there's nothing wrong with your weight, then she has issues to work out.