Intimacy: Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa...

By lonewolf2701 - United States

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

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Intimacy

This Charming Man

Taking stock

I'm not that old!

By Tyler - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

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By Smokey9 - United States

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

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By jakethemuss - Australia - Perth

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - United States

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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By catwithwatermelononhead

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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By Carrie - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By JAMjessie - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

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By TheRawrza - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. Standing outside of the pool, I was hesitant about taking my shirt off. A girl in the pool shouted "Hey, you're not the only fat one here, don't feel bad!". I was worried about what my friends would think of my new bellybutton ring, I don't think I'm fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

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By Alex - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

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By NJ - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

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By oh no - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

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By Rjlup - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By snottyface - United States

Today, I was trying to sneak up my husband while he was playing a computer game. As I was getting behind the chair, he paused the game and sat up straight. I stopped. He turned around and sneezed violently and blew a bunch of snot into my face and eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my printer to work because the one in my office is broken. When I tried to leave, my boss stopped me and accused me of stealing it from the office. Nobody would believe me when I explained. Now my boss has a new printer. FML

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By ilovemypup

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By moreliketurdmart - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

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By Melinie - United States

Today, I found an empty parking space in a crowded parking lot. When I came back later, a lady and a cop were standing by my car. Her car used to be parked there and got stolen. They think I'm involved. FML

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By butisavedyourkid - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

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By katchoo - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

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By fucked - Canada

Devil's wages

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By caitiexob - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

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By seatle girl - France - Les Mureaux

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By ThatTrafficCone - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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By Quin

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

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By ihatepizza - United States - Aurora

Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By June - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 04:58 - Germany

Noise annoys

Today, the cows on the neighboring farm have been lowing loudly for 3 days straight. The guy who runs the farm is unreachable. The people who own the farm and live right next to the stable claim they don’t hear a thing. FML

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By drastech99 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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Top comments

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#683284 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:26

hahahahahaha. come on people, get a sense of Humor. :) not an FML!!

By lsfry | 0

#683273 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:21

sexual harassment anyone?

COMMENTS

By 123e3 | 0

#683268 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:19

FIRST! And ew

sexyscooter | 0

#1282867 - Sunday 22 August 2010 6:59

thats HILARIOUS!!

By lsfry | 0

#683273 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:21

sexual harassment anyone?

My2864 | 1

#1015865 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 22:34

awww fuck off thats no sexual harresment...
thats epic its called a joke get over yourself

xiShawnx | 0

#1084637 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 14:50

Win

cayytee | 0

#4387937 - Thursday 3 May 2012 22:34

sounds like op is just trying to make a joke so we all think he/she is funny. posting for attention

TheCowCollector | 2

#5774655 - Sunday 1 December 2013 18:11

Get a fucking sense of humor!

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#683284 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:26

hahahahahaha. come on people, get a sense of Humor. :) not an FML!!

666Broghan666 | 0

#990313 - Monday 10 May 2010 8:22

AGREED. :3

hollyman | 0

#2966983 - Sunday 24 July 2011 22:17

ikr!!!

ibanez330 | 2

#3822028 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 0:25

I couldnt agree more!

By elgordito_fml | 0

#683288 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:28

hahaha that sucks

By Laxloverr24 | 0

#683290 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:29

hahaha

ydi for no having a sense of humor!
you can just delete the picture. not a big deal.

Laxer21 | 0

#1040765 - Thursday 24 June 2010 4:11

yeah. just a joke

YellowKettleBell | 31

#5904399 - Friday 4 April 2014 2:38

still gross.

By Super_Vegetto | 0

#683300 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:32

By G5guy | 0

#683304 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:34

so what? delete it and move on.

By 604 | 11

#683307 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:36

LOL

By clarke1986 | 0

#683309 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:37

how come my comments never show up... testing...1...2...3...

By Rico5037 | 0

#683317 - Sunday 22 November 2009 16:42

Oh no fyl because your boss has a sense of humor..