Kids: Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said... - FML

By captainuniverse - 14/05/2016 05:53 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 996

You deserved it 1 269

Commando

Need warmth

Unreasonable

By fuji - 16/10/2018 17:30

Today, I was pulled over and given a ticket for a broken tail light. On the way to the mechanic. To get my tail light fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 264

You deserved it 167

Welcome!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 516

You deserved it 38 242

By mel - 30/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 809

You deserved it 15 726

By foshizzle - 25/04/2012 06:46 - United States - Orlando

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 914

You deserved it 3 162

By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 870

You deserved it 7 594

Secrecy

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 22:30 - South Africa

Today, I found out my husband of one year has been renting his old batchelor's apartment in secret, because he is unsure if he wants to stay married to me, and we are broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 77

By iamatthewroberts - 17/02/2009 02:34 - United States

Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 383

You deserved it 12 962

By flipflap - 14/06/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 225

You deserved it 7 058

By sydmarie98 - 06/07/2015 22:51 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my friend let me borrow a pair of jeans. I found out I'm allergic to her laundry detergent when I broke out in a rash everywhere that the jeans touched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 841

You deserved it 2 018

By ApparentlyIFail - 20/11/2009 09:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 3 190

Boundaries

By Sfg_926 - 26/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 840

You deserved it 3 517

By maxthomkell - 25/05/2016 03:51 - United States

Today, my AP government teacher moved our seats and of course, I was seated next to my ex who has harassed me ever since our breakup. When I asked the teacher after class if I could please have a seat change, she told me I would have to write a 3-page essay on why I made the request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 498

You deserved it 973

By xXRowynXx - 05/09/2010 19:20 - Canada

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 606

You deserved it 32 426

By Jenna - 03/07/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 713

You deserved it 38 704

Whoops

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 844

You deserved it 32 526

By Anonymous - 13/05/2017 02:00

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 935

You deserved it 323

Is she better than me?

By Lovesucks - 02/12/2019 14:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 253

By Broken - 03/11/2015 18:13 - United States - Billerica

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 437

You deserved it 1 776

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Spicy

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 854

You deserved it 9 829

By ugh - 12/03/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 985

You deserved it 3 591

Rain stops play

By Wilf - 22/02/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 782

You deserved it 2 748

By Anonymous - 09/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 069

You deserved it 691

By Anonymous - 27/06/2010 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. No one there was under 60. I'm 16 and it was the only party I've been to all year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 136

You deserved it 7 819

By LoveMeMother - 20/09/2018 05:00

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 519

You deserved it 318

By Mrs. Ned - 09/09/2015 02:00 - United States - Incline Village

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 768

You deserved it 3 057

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 713

You deserved it 5 832

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 19:10 - Israel

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 509

You deserved it 10 179

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 20:37 - United States - Mountain Home

Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 206

You deserved it 147 538

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Spicy

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 733

You deserved it 3 848

By Anonymous - 01/11/2013 18:52 - United States - Manhattan

Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 005

You deserved it 49 461

Vicious bastards

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 125

By verysadasian - 30/07/2009 14:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 494

You deserved it 29 175

By Cody - 30/04/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration sticker on. I get nervous around authority and have nervous shakes. I ripped the registration sticker 3 times trying to put it on. The cop then gave me a ticket for "Improper Equipment". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 655

You deserved it 7 023

By fruitoftheloom - 09/03/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 845

You deserved it 7 289

By LittleMissRejected - 21/07/2017 14:27

Today, I learned that, even after several interviews and congratulations for getting the job, you still might not get the job. I just received an email stating that my accepted offer is now rejected. I already treated my close friends to an expensive dinner to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 822

You deserved it 940

By Morgannaken - 31/10/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 568

You deserved it 4 006

Workers of the world unite

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 19:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the day before I was supposed to go back to work after I got sick, ended up in the hospital, and primary doctor put me on medical leave, I got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 61

By davincourt - 29/04/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 185

You deserved it 2 983

By I stink - 18/12/2018 15:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 280

You deserved it 210

By sneeuwbal - 25/12/2014 18:36 - Belgium - Dilbeek

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 721

You deserved it 3 177

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Top comments

Densetsu1000 14

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:18

Dump. Her. Now.

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:17

Look at the bright side, your brother's in for a few fun conversations.

Comments

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:17

Look at the bright side, your brother's in for a few fun conversations.

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Sunday 15 May 2016 8:11

I hope he maims his brother (in a loving way of course).

Densetsu1000 14

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:18

Dump. Her. Now.

Send a private message

Monday 16 May 2016 13:07

No. Fucking. Shit

TheRealStunts 27

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:18

Ooooooohhhhhhhhh...... Fuck. Run away, man. Run far away.

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Sunday 15 May 2016 8:05

I will be because of your profile picture, Jesus, that scary stuff gives me chills

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 15 May 2016 21:01

Now I want to change my picture to smile.dog and start commenting on every FML.

pussy_crusher 7

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:18

Hey, you lucked out! You're getting away from an awful cheater, and you don't have to raise a child! Go enjoy your freedom and find someone worthy of spending your life with.

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Sunday 15 May 2016 4:31

This of course assumes she is smart enough to actually be sure who the father is.

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Sunday 15 May 2016 6:01

She said the father is OP's brother.

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Sunday 15 May 2016 12:57

that's what she said but #52 is insinuating that she might be wrong and OP is actually the father. he's basically calling her dumb and pointing out a worst case scenario

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Sunday 15 May 2016 15:14

Agreed ??

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Tuesday 17 May 2016 21:59

i would leave her no need for cheaters especially when she cheated with a relative. it sucks and honestly it gets worse when family is on the relatives side. so tell her to f off and mooch off your brother. lol.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:19

I hope that's when your brother becomes estranged.

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:28

Wow, this gives the folks down at the lab a bit of a challenge when they do the DNA testing. Unless she wasn't "your" girlfriend at all....

needagoodlaugh 34

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Saturday 14 May 2016 21:47

The only way they would have a hard time is if they were identical twins. Otherwise their DNA is enough different there is no issue.

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:29

Hello brother. Fuck you. Oh by the way I broke up with my girlfriend.

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:44

I think OP's girlfriend already fucked his brother enough...

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Saturday 21 May 2016 1:20

daaaaammmmmnnnnnn

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:30

Ouch. I'm sorry you got betrayed double. On the bright side, you don't have to raise a child that isn't yours. At least she was honest? Better late than never?

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:34

That's just terrible. Honestly, that's very disrespectful too.

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Saturday 14 May 2016 20:43

That was the biggest plot twist... Run for the hills. Wish you all the best of luck in the future..

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 47

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 175

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 1 417