Today, I am sick with a cold and I go to the most important interview...

By Larry - 31/1/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, I am sick with a cold and I go to the most important interview of my life. A giant glob of wet snot comes out of my nose when I am expressing my desire to join their team. FML

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Work

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Doomed

Gas giant

By illjustlimpthen - 25/10/2012 02:44 - United States - Waukesha

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 15:29 - United States - Richmond

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By izzy - 15/5/2017 04:00

Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2016 15:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

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By virgin - 25/11/2018 20:00

Early program

Today, I was so excited because tomorrow I'm going to be losing my virginity. I just used the bathroom and I got my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 16:45

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2014 16:09 - Norway - Egersund

Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML

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By brokenhome - 25/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

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By anonymous - 19/10/2011 12:19 - Australia

Today, my best friend who I have known for ten years recommended I didn't continue a relationship with my girlfriend. I thought she wanted to go out with me which I was hoping for, for a long time. Turns out she wanted to go out with her. FML

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By Queasy - 24/1/2010 00:15 - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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By 3firedepos - 15/6/2020 05:06

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 12:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex broke into my fiancée's apartment and cut up her expensive wedding dress. The nutjob is in jail now, but it doesn't seem like the wedding will be happening any time soon. FML

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By not that kinda squirting - 30/4/2019 14:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 02:46 - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By ravestradamus - 12/10/2009 12:34 - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

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By owew - 9/12/2010 05:33

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

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By mark - 6/6/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 00:17 - Israel

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

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By Emma-Louise - 20/5/2011 19:46 - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

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By Wino - 5/12/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

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By Ashley Rocha - 11/9/2018 20:30

Today, after my washing machine broke yesterday in the middle of a cycle, I went and spent $1400 on a new one. Also today, my dryer started to smoke and almost caught my clothes on fire. There goes another $1000. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2020 08:09

So wrong

Today, my boyfriend came over to meet my family. When I told him I had an autistic brother before he came in, he immediately broke up with me because he claimed autism is another word for overprotective. I've been dating an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 06:40 - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 23:03 - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 07:49 - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By ThunderThighs - 23/7/2014 23:24 - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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By yosmurf - 11/3/2017 18:00

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

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By yankesik - 3/1/2016 22:42 - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - 13/7/2012 07:37 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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By none - 17/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 00:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

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By stuckonrepeat - 8/3/2012 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By ~Mr.Void - 9/10/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By Holy Testacles - 17/10/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

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By PookaKay02 - 20/9/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

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Top comments

By ronton | 4

#3205900 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 16:43

USE THE PAST TENSE!!!!!!!! If it happened in the past, don't talk like it is happening now!

By jim_witness | 0

#24946 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:45

Just don't tell them how much you want to gel with them...no no....

COMMENTS

By jim_witness | 0

#24946 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:45

Just don't tell them how much you want to gel with them...no no....

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1117557 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 4:22

hahaha YES

By SAF_fml | 0

#394839 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 8:12

Just don't tell them how much you want to gel with them.. Haha I'm so happy i invented that joke right here on the spot

youngboss_fml | 2

#477727 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 21:42

oh god u got 2 accounts?

SAF_fml | 0

#501058 - Thursday 20 August 2009 7:12

saf99me | 16

#5761721 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 17:44

well, this is awkward...

By Aniland | 2

#450100 - Sunday 2 August 2009 13:01

That sucks so badly.

By fafaffy | 0

#926516 - Monday 8 March 2010 23:36

Wow... time for a reschedule

By vball_luvah | 2

#987100 - Sunday 2 May 2010 1:45

that is so freakin nasty. didn't they have tissues in the office? just explain and i'm sure they would understand.

By fylsm | 0

#1011853 - Saturday 29 May 2010 22:54

I wouldn't say YDI, but you really should have taken tissues with you if you were that bad off.

By Big_Boner | 3

#1194707 - Thursday 5 August 2010 18:21

hahaha thats epic, sorry OP hope they still hired you xD

By kkmonster93 | 0

#2052622 - Sunday 6 February 2011 21:29

I'm sure you'll get the job just so they can make fun of you

By ronton | 4

#3205900 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 16:43

USE THE PAST TENSE!!!!!!!! If it happened in the past, don't talk like it is happening now!

By xbrit551 | 13

#3641769 - Saturday 26 November 2011 8:06

Ew:o