Double Impact

Start with. "Honey, I'm a cunt and you deserve better. Since I've been an arsehole and an irresponsible one at that, please take me to the cleaners through the divorce and child payments while you have a better life."

That would suggest a certain level of self-awareness. Unfortunately, this guy decided to double up on self-IMPORTANCE instead.

dumbass

Guess what? When you engage in the act of procreation...

...there's a chance you might just PROCREATE.

Right now, getting a calendar is the epitome of "too little, too late."

You’re disgusting. You don’t deserve a wife OR a girlfriend.

Next FML

You don’t have a wife nor a girlfriend. You have two women with which you engaged in intercourse who are both pregnant. Good luck with that.

My advice, with all the humility a stupid fuck like you can muster.

You wanna act like an animal, get treated like one. I hope they rip you to pieces.

You should die. Like literally.

Contrary to others, I don’t know if you are a jerk or not (none of us know you) and I don’t believe that divorce is the best solution.
But you clearly made a mistake.
So act responsibly about it and provide support for your two kids.
And probably when time comes you’ll have to tell your wife and your children and ask for forgiveness. Be humble about it. I hope they will be able to forgive you.

I think the FML is that you are so dumb as to think people may empathize with this sort of thing.