Valentine's slay, Caring and Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating... - FML

By FreshDonuts - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML

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Valentine's slay

Who the fuck asked you?

Unreasonable

PMS PSA

By Anon - United States - Tracy

Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

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By asdfghjkl

Today, it took me four tries to find the right position to swipe my debit card. My mom screamed "Oh, for God's sake, why don't you ever get it right the FIRST time?" She then apologized to the cashier for having "such a stupid child". FML

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By Eet- - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

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By mushroomtop

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

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By sotter42 - 20/7/2020 17:01

Meddling

Today, my father-in-law decided he was going to just completely take over our engagement party, so now my fiancé just wants to go to Reno and get married there. FML

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By wrong state for that shit - 22/8/2020 04:48 - United States - Hesperia

Weird accusation, lady

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

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By gan-1991 - 15/6/2020 23:01

It's called caring, OK?

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By Anonymous

Driven

Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

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By Gabi - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By worstfatherever - United States

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

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By BadIdea - France

Sucker

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

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By laner

The Stinking of Hill House

Today, I found out my ex-husband left the fridge full of rotting meat in the house that I'm selling. I turned off the power to the house in March. Now the whole house stinks, and I had to have the fridge professionally removed and the kitchen cleaned because buyers are coming to look at it tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

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By lebowski - United States

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

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By creepermagnet - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I replied "no" that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

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By Fartini

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

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By Scarred - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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By Not true - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

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By horno - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad why the Wi-fi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

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By zitroskies - United States

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my best friend get married to the guy I have been in love with since the 8th grade. I was the maid of honor, and had to give a toast to the couple. FML

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By PoachedFish - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

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By Eyesore - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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By henry feingold - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

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By BNLM - United States

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

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By katie - France

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

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By AlienZ - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

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By fml9124

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By partypooper - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

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Top comments

By FreshToDeathEf | 12

#6216961 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

Tell her you're going to start appreciating the little things in life starting with her tits.

By toongler | 23

#6216960 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

oooh that's rough OP. I'm sorry, but hey at least she's appreciating it!!!!

COMMENTS

By Melix | 31

#6216958 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:30

Oh dear. OP I'm sorry about that. At least she appreciates your penis, right?

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6217066 - Saturday 28 February 2015 20:50

It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean!

Reply

13ky13 | 20

#6217083 - Saturday 28 February 2015 21:00

But it's tough to get to England in a row boat.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6217093 - Saturday 28 February 2015 21:09

1-not sure why you're in the negative while 2 is in the positive. ..total logic.

Reply

hamrtym | 15

#6217129 - Saturday 28 February 2015 21:55

Because he second guessed it. confidence is key especially when talking about yiur dick. Also, I made a typo and I'm not going to correct it. Cus I have a big dick and little things don't matter.

Reply

edmunson | 22

#6217134 - Saturday 28 February 2015 22:01

Ha ha ha

By sashakotlik | 14

#6216959 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

well at least she's appreciating it

Reply

kingsabbo | 10

#6217076 - Saturday 28 February 2015 20:57

Is she really though?

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6218169 - Sunday 1 March 2015 19:56

Doesn't matter, had handjob...

By toongler | 23

#6216960 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

oooh that's rough OP. I'm sorry, but hey at least she's appreciating it!!!!

By FreshToDeathEf | 12

#6216961 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

Tell her you're going to start appreciating the little things in life starting with her tits.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#6216984 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:38

Small boobs are awesome though...

Reply

Classy_Sassy15 | 18

#6216996 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:43

Great come back but small breasts are amazing!!!

Reply

FreshToDeathEf | 12

#6217006 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:49

I never said they weren't great! I love all boob sizes :D

Reply

money2g | 7

#6217028 - Saturday 28 February 2015 20:15

Assuming they are small, if not then that comeback isn't going to work.

Reply

Gillett | 23

#6217064 - Saturday 28 February 2015 20:49

No, you should say her brain, or contribution to your relationship.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6217124 - Saturday 28 February 2015 21:48

I personally enjoy boobs that fit in the palms of my hands.

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#6217160 - Saturday 28 February 2015 22:53

I'd have replied "Even a 747 looks small when flying into the Grand Canyon."

Reply

drugsRfun | 13

#6217222 - Sunday 1 March 2015 0:19

Lol!!

Reply

little_one | 20

#6217990 - Sunday 1 March 2015 16:39

Couldn't have said simple things in life...

Reply

randompizzaguy | 17

#6218185 - Sunday 1 March 2015 20:20

#12 not when they're mosquito bites.

By mistress_paz | 30

#6216962 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

Ouch! Some people like small though?

Reply

Gillett | 23

#6217069 - Saturday 28 February 2015 20:50

Really, WHO? Exactly!

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6217096 - Saturday 28 February 2015 21:11

no one!!

Reply

Dovahkiin_1997 | 22

#6217136 - Saturday 28 February 2015 22:02

It's not necessarily the size, it's how you use it ;)

Reply

shepp626 | 11

#6217141 - Saturday 28 February 2015 22:07

Women that don't enjoy getting torn and bleeding every time they have sex.

Reply

cantik20 | 5

#6218148 - Sunday 1 March 2015 19:43

Woman vagina have the depth too you know. The average of the depth is 3-5 inches, and when its aroused add 2-3 inches more approximately.

By CitricAcid | 21

#6216964 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:31

Man, what a dick...

that pun was so lame that I deserve to be exiled from the FML community forever

Reply

warsun | 27

#6217344 - Sunday 1 March 2015 1:39

*waves handkerchief*

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6217444 - Sunday 1 March 2015 4:37

Never forget
CitricAcid
????-2015

By aukaylaheath | 16

#6216966 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:32

Omg.

By gurbism | 16

#6216967 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:32

Yikes. Don't forget to use plenty of ice on that burn.

Reply

marcranger | 28

#6216992 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:42

Sounds like OP doesn't need any further shrinkage.

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6217055 - Saturday 28 February 2015 20:39

Or aloe.

By liamk_26 | 16

#6216977 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:34

If she doesn't appreciate it some else will

Reply

appletreee | 29

#6217420 - Sunday 1 March 2015 3:57

But she is appreciating.. That's the point of the FML..

By BlondePsycho | 43

#6216981 - Saturday 28 February 2015 19:35

Zing! Where does your girlfriend do her standup?