Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched...

By filipinoclari808 - 16/4/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

They're everywhere

Buzzing the tower

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, a little girl came up to me and said "Hi, my name is Lindsey, lets be friends!". I thought she was cute so I played along and said "Okay! My name is Jen!" Her Reply: "Wait, nevermind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML

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By sorkin15 - 24/3/2016 21:06 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

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By dieana - 16/5/2014 12:16 - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words: "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

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By thanksfyi - 2/7/2011 21:51 - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

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By staceyymaee - 6/7/2016 17:47 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

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By aianmoo16 - 1/5/2016 21:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

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By dracer - 4/2/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years who I helped through drug rehab and find employment in my office left me for someone else. His explanation was that now that his "head is not clouded with chemicals" and he "makes decent money", he wants to settle down with someone worthy of him. FML

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By bloodyhell - 15/3/2020 15:05 - United States

Good God, man…

Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML

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By perverted teenage girl - 29/11/2016 21:51

Today, my crush was giving a presentation in class. I zoned out and began staring off into space - which happened to be in the exact direction of his crotch. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly looked up at his face. He was already looking at me, with an expression of severe discomfort. FML

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By Makusu420 - 3/12/2015 00:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

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By Sadboy - 6/4/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

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By vishurricanes - 10/6/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 08:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML

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By raaquel - 25/1/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

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By ugh - 23/9/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. FML

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By radiant - 22/1/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

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By swollenpenis - 25/1/2013 06:11 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

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By Gina - 2/4/2010 11:33 - Thailand

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

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By idiot says pussy - 21/1/2014 17:43 - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 20:17 - United States - Canton

Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML

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By forgottenbday - 11/7/2012 05:09 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

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By mammamia - 27/4/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 16:41 - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

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By Pandy1031 - 9/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Crofton

Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML

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By me - 12/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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By CalyenaL - 13/5/2012 01:35 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

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By Noname - 11/3/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my Father over top of me saying "nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burgler and he knocked me out. FML

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By RAS266 - 26/6/2017 00:00

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By riya - 29/9/2018 05:00

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 20:21 - United States

Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2010 00:44 - Australia

Today, I was listening to a client's heartbeat with a stethoscope, when I noticed one of my hairs had fallen on her chest. I tried to brush it off, but it didn't move, so I went to pick it up with my fingers. That's when I found it it wasn't my hair, it was hers... and it was still attached. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 02:00 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

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By sopathetic - 26/2/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 18:00

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

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By IvyLeague? - 15/1/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

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Top comments

By RichHurtz | 0

#115962 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:09

Someone taps you so you roundhouse kick them? What are you, an idiot?

By rw4rf1s | 0

#115956 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:07

FLAWLESS VICTORY

COMMENTS

By Jamiee69 | 0

#115942 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:03

Haha that wasnt very nice!
Pee Ess: Im first:D

quent10 | 0

#1056348 - Saturday 3 July 2010 4:05

I had no clue we roundhouse our friends to say hello now ?

ZTB13 | 4

#1508362 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:57

OP are you fucking Chuck Norris now or something?

QuickSilv3r777 | 0

#1872884 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 10:49

road house...

lolfood | 24

#5427237 - Saturday 30 March 2013 8:11

This went straight to my favorites.

everton99 | 16

#6215738 - Friday 27 February 2015 15:45

Easily one of the best FMLs I have read.

By wanderingidiot | 0

#115949 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:04

so will she make out with you still?

mazuma | 0

#981722 - Monday 19 April 2010 7:14

I don't understand. you give your friends a full power round house kick? if it wasn't full power than it doesn't matter.

LukeeRamljaakk | 0

#1754702 - Friday 26 November 2010 14:45

from the girlfriend:
Today, I saw my boyfriend and I lightly punched him in the back. thinking he would turn around and kiss me, I smiled. he ended up roundhouse kicking me in the face. I think I'm dating chuck norris. FML

kiwigail | 0

#1784048 - Thursday 2 December 2010 17:47

best ever

mygreenhoodie | 0

#1915219 - Saturday 1 January 2011 5:36

if she was dating chuck norris it wouldn't be a
FML

markymark1429 | 8

#2588706 - Monday 30 May 2011 18:32

if she was dating chuck Norris and was kicked by him, she wouldn't be alive to write an Fml

By ravirobin | 0

#115952 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

sucks for you dude.... guess you are not getting laid for 2 weeks...

coldasfire | 23

#6380694 - Friday 14 August 2015 18:24

More like 2 years

By sodawater19 | 0

#115953 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

who the hell do you think you are??? Chuck Norris???

SynfulPinion | 6

#979509 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 22:47

holy shit, that was funny lol

eaterofpies | 0

#1354107 - Sunday 5 September 2010 8:10

lmfao that's awesome

By rw4rf1s | 0

#115956 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:07

FLAWLESS VICTORY

cpkenn09y | 0

#706577 - Sunday 6 December 2009 1:59

you are a true Ninja!! A Ninja, does not take shit from anybody, not even his gf :D Round House Kick to the FACE

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6213691 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 15:18

well actually, OP was hit, so it wouldn't count as a flawless victory :/

By Socrates_fml | 0

#115959 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:08

was it at least a good one?

By RichHurtz | 0

#115962 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:09

Someone taps you so you roundhouse kick them? What are you, an idiot?

Kgirl2cute | 6

#1061266 - Sunday 4 July 2010 3:54

^ this

By 001001001 | 0

#115964 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:11

Sounds fake...

blankaex | 0

#911160 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 16:07

yeah, he said girlfriend not ex

By d101_fml | 0

#115967 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:13

Jean-Claude?

By Sure_Thing | 0

#115975 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:15

When would a soft punch EVER warrant a roundhouse kick? Why would you ever roundhouse someone? You've clearly been watching WAY too much Walker Texas Ranger... Grow up

damatix | 3

#2800730 - Friday 1 July 2011 22:35