Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched...

By filipinoclari808 - 16/4/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

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Love

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Nice neighborhood

Assumptions

By unemployedaussie - 23/6/2016 12:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 06:50 - Singapore

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

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By embarrassed niece - 9/7/2013 16:15 - United States - Cumming

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2011 08:28 - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

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By combo - 28/2/2010 09:12 - France

Today, I was chatting with my boyfriend and his mates barefoot on the grass. I suddenly felt something flick across my feet, so I let out a startled scream. Turns out it was my toe hairs rustling in the breeze. FML

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By Barista - 5/7/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

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By meeeoow - 22/1/2011 10:05 - Australia

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

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By killme - 29/2/2016 07:00 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By SummersEve - 12/2/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2014 05:27 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

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By Username - 16/2/2012 23:30 - United States

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

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By AIienware - 30/6/2015 15:33

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By helen_ - 23/4/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - 14/11/2016 12:42 - Australia - Caloundra

Today, for the 16th day in a row, my husband slept in the guest room because he doesn't want to disturb the dogs once they've fallen asleep on our bed, so they don't hate him. FML

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By hiccups - 3/11/2012 15:52 - United States - New York

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

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By Jerry - 19/12/2017 15:00

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

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By Lucky - 21/6/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a cruise line I had travelled on with my parents a year ago. After being told I had won a free $2,000 cruise from a sweepstakes I had entered while on the cruise. After celebrating loudly they informed me that you have to be 23 or older to collect it. I'm 17. FML

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By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

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By stuckinalift - 18/2/2011 01:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

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By really_dad? - 17/8/2017 13:00

Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said "now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML

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By retailworker - 9/1/2020 14:00

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, the dry cleaner next to my house went up in flames. I went outside to look at the fire, as I looked on in amazement I realized I had dropped off all of my work clothes at the cleaners two days before. I was supposed to pick them up today but was too lazy to walk the 10 feet to the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By thatguy - 26/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

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By hannibal - 2/11/2010 13:44 - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 20:00

Denial

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

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By sad - 25/10/2011 10:15 - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By Wolf145 - 11/10/2012 05:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 02:03 - United Kingdom - London

Just a prank, bro!

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 07:32 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was running late for work and quickly grabbed my outfit from the dryer. I heard the crackling of static as I took out my shirt. I didn't think anything of it, until later when my co-worker pointed out I had a thong stuck to my back. FML

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By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - 25/8/2014 20:14 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By helpme - 25/9/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By Talented73 - 25/4/2017 20:00

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 12:00

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By hating my life - 26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

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By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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Top comments

By RichHurtz | 0

#115962 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:09

Someone taps you so you roundhouse kick them? What are you, an idiot?

By rw4rf1s | 0

#115956 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:07

FLAWLESS VICTORY

Comments

By Jamiee69 | 0

#115942 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:03

Haha that wasnt very nice!
Pee Ess: Im first:D

quent10 | 0

#1056348 - Saturday 3 July 2010 4:05

I had no clue we roundhouse our friends to say hello now ?

ZTB13 | 4

#1508362 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:57

OP are you fucking Chuck Norris now or something?

QuickSilv3r777 | 0

#1872884 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 10:49

road house...

lolfood | 24

#5427237 - Saturday 30 March 2013 8:11

This went straight to my favorites.

everton99 | 16

#6215738 - Friday 27 February 2015 15:45

Easily one of the best FMLs I have read.

By wanderingidiot | 0

#115949 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:04

so will she make out with you still?

mazuma | 0

#981722 - Monday 19 April 2010 7:14

I don't understand. you give your friends a full power round house kick? if it wasn't full power than it doesn't matter.

LukeeRamljaakk | 0

#1754702 - Friday 26 November 2010 14:45

from the girlfriend:
Today, I saw my boyfriend and I lightly punched him in the back. thinking he would turn around and kiss me, I smiled. he ended up roundhouse kicking me in the face. I think I'm dating chuck norris. FML

kiwigail | 0

#1784048 - Thursday 2 December 2010 17:47

best ever

mygreenhoodie | 0

#1915219 - Saturday 1 January 2011 5:36

if she was dating chuck norris it wouldn't be a
FML

markymark1429 | 8

#2588706 - Monday 30 May 2011 18:32

if she was dating chuck Norris and was kicked by him, she wouldn't be alive to write an Fml

By ravirobin | 0

#115952 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

sucks for you dude.... guess you are not getting laid for 2 weeks...

coldasfire | 23

#6380694 - Friday 14 August 2015 18:24

More like 2 years

By sodawater19 | 0

#115953 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

who the hell do you think you are??? Chuck Norris???

SynfulPinion | 6

#979509 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 22:47

holy shit, that was funny lol

eaterofpies | 0

#1354107 - Sunday 5 September 2010 8:10

lmfao that's awesome

By rw4rf1s | 0

#115956 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:07

FLAWLESS VICTORY

cpkenn09y | 0

#706577 - Sunday 6 December 2009 1:59

you are a true Ninja!! A Ninja, does not take shit from anybody, not even his gf :D Round House Kick to the FACE

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6213691 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 15:18

well actually, OP was hit, so it wouldn't count as a flawless victory :/

By Socrates_fml | 0

#115959 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:08

was it at least a good one?

By RichHurtz | 0

#115962 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:09

Someone taps you so you roundhouse kick them? What are you, an idiot?

Kgirl2cute | 6

#1061266 - Sunday 4 July 2010 3:54

^ this

By 001001001 | 0

#115964 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:11

Sounds fake...

blankaex | 0

#911160 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 16:07

yeah, he said girlfriend not ex

By d101_fml | 0

#115967 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:13

Jean-Claude?

By Sure_Thing | 0

#115975 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:15

When would a soft punch EVER warrant a roundhouse kick? Why would you ever roundhouse someone? You've clearly been watching WAY too much Walker Texas Ranger... Grow up

damatix | 3

#2800730 - Friday 1 July 2011 22:35