Love: Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched...

By filipinoclari808 - United States

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

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Love

Own it

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Stalker vibes

By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 12:01 - United States - Longmont

Don't Give Up

Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML

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By nahalDZ - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

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By Anonymous - Madagascar

Today, nearly six months later, my incompetent, lazy coworker still refuses to believe I didn't screw my way to the promotion both of us were competing for. FML

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18613

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By BrokeAndSad - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost hundreds of dollars in gift cards. Robbed? No. Mugged? Don't think so. My roommate threw them away after he got water on them, thinking that it rendered them unusable. FML

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By kidyounot - United States - Statesboro

Today, my fiancé called off our engagement after I contested his belief that women stop having periods after they are married. FML

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38493

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By XoxoChula - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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40923

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2021 21:59 - Australia - Epping

Unreasonable

Today, my disability job agent, who's supposed to help me find work that fits my limitations, told me to immediately withdraw from a job offer that suited me, because it didn't meet her "benchmark". She then told me that she would decide what's "appropriate" for me, and if I don't comply, my support will be revoked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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1899

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By blumaster04 - United States

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

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By take a fucking seat, gran - United States - Fullerton

Today, my psychotic grandma set fire to our Christmas tree because she refuses to let us celebrate what she calls a twisted pagan holiday. FML

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43186

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By love4cheese1197

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

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1369

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By Bruce - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe... with my foot. FML

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37624

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 14:02

Awkward

Today, I was ghosted by my next door neighbor, who I've been seeing/hooking up with for months. FML

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779

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264

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

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3299

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By Karaoke Queen

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

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2627

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By soontobesingle - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

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62328

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Don't do drugs, kids

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some Adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

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40700

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By OMGraven - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

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37603

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By Marcilor001

Oops.

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

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2597

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By NoMoreHeadphones - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

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15800

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By ZeroApostle4Ever - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

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30009

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By "schober60" - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML

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By alephnull - Canada

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

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30986

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By Toby's.Mom. - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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4853

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By Anonymous - United States - Tacoma

Today, I went into my former workplace. While there, an ex-coworker told me that after I quit, they split my position into two separate jobs. When I worked there, my boss had told me to suck it up whenever I said there was too much work for just one person. FML

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48739

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By assdialed. - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my dad that I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but it left me an accidental voicemail saying "Oh s***, I didn't mean to call her!" FML

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35473

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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28733

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By Queen LaQueefah - United Kingdom - Chesterfield

I'll take what I can get

Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML

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27996

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By abbacjt - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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7742

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By missinformed

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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4620

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By SadDad - United States - Alexandria

Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML

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26271

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By Henji - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

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15943

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By ven980 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

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23806

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By Kid Lacef

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

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3090

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By Lara - Italy - Empoli

Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML

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27732

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By Anonim23

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

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1508

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By MIG2204 - Denmark - Copenhagen

So, here's the thing…

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

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1953

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By nolove - Australia

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

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Top comments

By RichHurtz | 0

#115962 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:09

Someone taps you so you roundhouse kick them? What are you, an idiot?

By rw4rf1s | 0

#115956 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:07

FLAWLESS VICTORY

COMMENTS

By Jamiee69 | 0

#115942 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:03

Haha that wasnt very nice!
Pee Ess: Im first:D

quent10 | 0

#1056348 - Saturday 3 July 2010 4:05

I had no clue we roundhouse our friends to say hello now ?

ZTB13 | 4

#1508362 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 19:57

OP are you fucking Chuck Norris now or something?

QuickSilv3r777 | 0

#1872884 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 10:49

road house...

lolfood | 24

#5427237 - Saturday 30 March 2013 8:11

This went straight to my favorites.

everton99 | 16

#6215738 - Friday 27 February 2015 15:45

Easily one of the best FMLs I have read.

By wanderingidiot | 0

#115949 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:04

so will she make out with you still?

mazuma | 0

#981722 - Monday 19 April 2010 7:14

I don't understand. you give your friends a full power round house kick? if it wasn't full power than it doesn't matter.

LukeeRamljaakk | 0

#1754702 - Friday 26 November 2010 14:45

from the girlfriend:
Today, I saw my boyfriend and I lightly punched him in the back. thinking he would turn around and kiss me, I smiled. he ended up roundhouse kicking me in the face. I think I'm dating chuck norris. FML

kiwigail | 0

#1784048 - Thursday 2 December 2010 17:47

best ever

mygreenhoodie | 0

#1915219 - Saturday 1 January 2011 5:36

if she was dating chuck norris it wouldn't be a
FML

markymark1429 | 8

#2588706 - Monday 30 May 2011 18:32

if she was dating chuck Norris and was kicked by him, she wouldn't be alive to write an Fml

By ravirobin | 0

#115952 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

sucks for you dude.... guess you are not getting laid for 2 weeks...

coldasfire | 23

#6380694 - Friday 14 August 2015 18:24

More like 2 years

By sodawater19 | 0

#115953 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:06

who the hell do you think you are??? Chuck Norris???

SynfulPinion | 6

#979509 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 22:47

holy shit, that was funny lol

eaterofpies | 0

#1354107 - Sunday 5 September 2010 8:10

lmfao that's awesome

By rw4rf1s | 0

#115956 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:07

FLAWLESS VICTORY

cpkenn09y | 0

#706577 - Sunday 6 December 2009 1:59

you are a true Ninja!! A Ninja, does not take shit from anybody, not even his gf :D Round House Kick to the FACE

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6213691 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 15:18

well actually, OP was hit, so it wouldn't count as a flawless victory :/

By Socrates_fml | 0

#115959 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:08

was it at least a good one?

By RichHurtz | 0

#115962 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:09

Someone taps you so you roundhouse kick them? What are you, an idiot?

Kgirl2cute | 6

#1061266 - Sunday 4 July 2010 3:54

^ this

By 001001001 | 0

#115964 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:11

Sounds fake...

blankaex | 0

#911160 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 16:07

yeah, he said girlfriend not ex

By d101_fml | 0

#115967 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:13

Jean-Claude?

By Sure_Thing | 0

#115975 - Thursday 16 April 2009 16:15

When would a soft punch EVER warrant a roundhouse kick? Why would you ever roundhouse someone? You've clearly been watching WAY too much Walker Texas Ranger... Grow up

damatix | 3

#2800730 - Friday 1 July 2011 22:35