Love: Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the...

By randomguy - 09/07/2012 15:09 - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 903

You deserved it 12 124

Love

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Tetchy

Unreasonable

By FUSMC - 12/08/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 551

You deserved it 3 532

By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 247

You deserved it 2 564

By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 360

You deserved it 7 965

Buzzing the tower

By Princess ? - 12/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was taking a shower when my husband suddenly came in naked. I thought we were gonna have some fun, and so tried to be sexy. He took a quick shower and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 247

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 382

You deserved it 3 125

By ChampionshipVinyl - 18/04/2012 06:57 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 425

You deserved it 2 876

By adults acting like children - 17/09/2016 20:31 - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 838

You deserved it 769

By Anonymous - 21/07/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 610

You deserved it 2 753

Nice try

By Proof-Reader - 15/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 366

You deserved it 31 905

By need sleep - 25/02/2015 16:53 - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 268

You deserved it 2 326

By Britney - 24/10/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 440

You deserved it 2 341

By sleepylillion - 25/04/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 162

You deserved it 1 509

By Wheresthecreamfilling - 03/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 040

You deserved it 1 864

By MaHalKiTa - 23/07/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 644

You deserved it 4 663

By illenram06 - 11/07/2011 15:37 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 701

You deserved it 6 677

By newlyneurotic - 03/09/2017 07:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 023

You deserved it 329

Thousand-yard stare

By timiscuous - 20/04/2020 20:00 - New Zealand

Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 258

By newkid - 13/09/2016 19:06

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 833

You deserved it 1 327

I've just got one of those faces

By Eric Rivera - 29/01/2021 23:01 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking to the corner store, I noticed a car full of teenage girls. As I got closer to the store, one of them who was still getting in, says, "Hurry, here comes a pedo!" I turned to look and see who they were talking about, but there was no one behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 100

By staticman101 - 04/10/2012 03:14 - United States - Allendale

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 444

You deserved it 33 963

By corasmom - 27/07/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 826

You deserved it 10 514

Not the one

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 16:00

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 202

Grandma rocks!

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 401

You deserved it 5 168

By muffins69 - 18/09/2010 02:34 - United States

Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 466

You deserved it 9 507

By donny31459 - 10/08/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 3 945

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 802

You deserved it 3 702

By chanclepants - 27/01/2010 13:35 - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 337

You deserved it 14 033

By Mary C. - 23/03/2015 01:58 - United States - Mendota

Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 456

You deserved it 3 540

By atang - 09/04/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 815

You deserved it 11 432

Weirdo geek freaks out

By katw - 10/03/2021 02:01

Today, I went on a first day with a guy. It went well up until he saw my phone, loudly declared that I was ‘gross’ for having an iPhone, and then stormed out. I’m on a family plan and if it were my choice, I would have got an Android. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 203

By hackling fellow - 10/03/2011 13:17

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 857

You deserved it 4 151

By Katrina - 13/02/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 444

You deserved it 9 512

By cockfist - 04/03/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 091

You deserved it 6 684

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 17:15 - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 482

You deserved it 10 407

By Son - 03/09/2018 17:30 - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 565

You deserved it 209

By Anonymous - 02/06/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 057

You deserved it 17 512

By Anonymous - 06/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 944

You deserved it 1 429

By Kidsthesedays - 09/11/2015 19:33 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 731

You deserved it 3 263

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - 17/07/2013 10:06 - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 927

You deserved it 6 654

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 18:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 727

You deserved it 7 676

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

evilplatypus 38

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:12

What's with all the pregnant crazy lady FMLs lately?

Dadothy 8

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:12

Hormones:/ don't worry I'm sure she will get over it

Dadothy 8

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:12

Hormones:/ don't worry I'm sure she will get over it

defferwa 9

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:20

Domestic violence is a serious thing, OP doesn't have to be a victim.

MURIKKA 11

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:23

Just play dead OP! It's your only hope!

greenmen 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 1:22

Maybe it isn't urs

Jessj958 19

Send a private message

Thursday 22 November 2012 8:18

Fuck you, hormones!!!

subiedude08 17

Send a private message

Monday 12 August 2013 10:19

I suggest the couch tonight

evilplatypus 38

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:12

What's with all the pregnant crazy lady FMLs lately?

ydi_4_suking 20

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:17

I don't know. And theres a lot of pregnant people in the stores and stuff too

Discombobulated9 12

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:18

I'm going to hazard a guess here and say that the majority of women were gifted 50 shades of grey by their boyfriends approximately 3 months ago.

lilred923 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:24

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed...or floor

teague95 16

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:25

could be the heat making them all crazy

kimmi41509 10

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:34

Pregnancy is becoming an epidemic!

TheDrifter 23

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 20:20

Well, here at least, December and January are cold and boring. It leads to a lot of summer pregnancies and the resulting crazy pregnant wife fmls.

negb 30

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 20:20

Don't forget the husband who was jealous of his newborn son breast-feeding

hahasooo 2

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 21:01

Thats wat i said!

LuckyLynx7732 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 23:43

50 Shades Of Grey and Magic Mike. Mystery solved.

sux4u121 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 3:23

Its a few months adter valentines day

TEXASDude45 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 17:37

The question is; did you get the book?

jake3292 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

everydayFML2121 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:33

What are you trying to say or accomplish with this comment?

jake3292 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:49

I'm saying there baby probably is now mentally challenged

crypticundead 4

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:53

He didn't "push" her. He rolled over in his sleep, something he has no control over, and apparently she fell. I can understand her getting mad at first but to continue to be pissed at him about it is just absurd.

Bladian 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:53

No. It probably isn't. Shut up.

jake3292 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:54

The domino effect he rolled on top of her thus making her fall off the bed

MURIKKA 11

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 20:09

Sometimes when one is clearly losing, it is better to just shut one's mouth to prevent further embarrassment.

coughyochick 7

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 21:59

Please, die.

everydayFML2121 5

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:16

Time to move to the couch op

zandalee 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 10 July 2012 11:04

Or get another bed while she is pregnant

seriouslythat 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:16

Fuck you hormones!!

1happymummy 14

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:30

You're a crazy bitch HORMONES, not alison, HORMONES. it's a girl, go buy some pink shit.

gracehi 31

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:52

Go fuck your bong!

ittsdann 6

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 20:37

I will go fuck my bong! Doggy style! For once

Daffodilly 14

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 19:16

I'd be pissed if I got pushed out of bed in the middle of the night. Don't worry about it OP, I'm sure she'll realise soon that it wasn't your fault. I'm always irrationally angry at whoever wakes me up at first, until I wake up a little more.

onlychildFTW 33

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 21:21

And that's you without all the hormones in you.

ImaginaryFoe 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 23:55

Exactly. Even if I weren't pregnant, I wouldn't be thrilled about being knocked out of bed. If I were pregnant, I'd probably be sleep-deprived and hormone-induced panic about the health of the fetus would probably push me over the edge.