Health: Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching...

By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

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Health

Vulture

Dangling modifier

Working for the weekend

By CutestBoysEver - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

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By depressednupset - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By stuckass - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

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By ardenm - United States

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

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By Poppleton99 - United States - Cedar City

Today, I was hanging out with a friend out of state. He had some friends with him and we were all having a great time, until they found out I live in Utah. They instantly assumed I was Mormon and started to act weird around me. This is a frequent occurrence. FML

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By jitterbug - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

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By soso - Sweden - Bor

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

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By gpistas - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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By greenchan - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By Kallian - Australia - Sydney

What happened?

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

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By a stupid jackass - United States - New York

Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

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By shushingmoon - United States

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

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By really?!? - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

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By gotta love my momma - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By stoprubbingitinmyface - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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By anon mom - United States - Manassas

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

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By lowly101

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

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By therealducktape - France

Today, I got back from a two week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my room mate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

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By 10 years, 0 dates - 28/11/2020 11:03

Silver linings

Today, I wanted to ask out this cute girl I used to work with. Before I could, she said she likes my only friend there, and asked if could I set them up. Trying to be nice guy and good friend, I did. Then she made her complete lack of interest in me obvious. But hey, at least the gay guy she hung out with thought I was cute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

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By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

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By LifeSucks - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By cinder - 16/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Denver

Caring parenting

Today, and every day I decide to get therapy for my severe depression, my parents spring a workload of chores on me, which mentally exhausts me to the point I can’t do anything. Including start my therapy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By Mojo_Jojo - China

Today, my crush came to my house to watch movies with me. We were sitting on the couch when he turned to me and said that he had had a dream about me the night before. I moved in to kiss him, thinking he liked me. He then added that I had fallen of a cliff and he had pissed himself laughing. FML

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By GLX - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Seeing is believing

Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got feedback on an essay I wrote, by my mum who is also a teacher. She said it was 'worse than most of her pupils'. She teaches 10-year-olds. I'm a 20-year-old student at university. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML

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Top comments

By maskedman | 9

#882087 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:24

now you know your boyfriend will tell the story of how he accidentally punched you in the face to someone else. this will result in another punched face. somebody needs to stop this vicious storytelling cycle before the whole world gets punched in the face.

By imanethesmart | 0

#882010 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:49

Is your boyfriend's name Chris Brown?

COMMENTS

By Spyrunner | 0

#881921 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:19

Sorry

crackiebob | 0

#881926 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:20

fail

Melkezidech | 0

#881962 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:27

A cup of Ramen makes it all better.

rawriown | 0

#882168 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:33

lmfao

_swimcutie_ | 0

#882189 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:45

One word. FAIL..

Tripout | 0

#882372 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:25

YDI for standin in arms length of him. 

brianred5 | 0

#882430 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:47

break his nose back

thor89 | 0

#882978 - Monday 22 February 2010 22:07

I"ll Chris Brown a Bitch!!

ILikePopCorn | 0

#884061 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 3:52

haha, i think that he just made up the whole intire story just to be able to punch you in the face. that or you have bad luck. but i go for the first one. ;-)

Fatalally | 4

#884137 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:16

There's nothing wrong with it if you yell surprise. Surprise! * Back's up slowly...runs away screaming* lol

shadaboo2014 | 0

#884151 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:22

#43 it's her boyfriend u dummy

michael32123 | 0

#884567 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 6:54

agreed with 59.. he Chris browned ur ass

cellycrunk | 16

#1040878 - Thursday 24 June 2010 7:46

how many times must he repeat this story before he realizes he's going to hit people everytime? :)

By Foxracingluver | 0

#881925 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:20

second.... not that it matters hehe

xHabsfanx | 0

#882094 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:34

Keep on trolling, trolling
trolling for the world to change,
one day our trolling generation will rule the FML population

Sorry a John Mayer song was on as I was posting this...
OP, next time stand a metre away from your boyfried when he tells you stories.