why are you still with her then?

Because one does not need to marry to be in a committed, happy relationship.

She very clearly wants to be a wife, if he doesn't tell her she'll never be that for him, he's leading her on. She should be with someone with the same fundamental principles...if that's what she wants then she has every right to find someone else who will marry her.

Very true, #2, but only if both parties are on the same page. Clearly that's not the case here, since she was gushing about the prospects of marriage.

tbh he shouldn't lead her on then.

#9 absolutely, it's something I overlooked mentioning in my original comment, but not something I am ignorant to. I feel sorry for this girl, and OP absolutely needs to discuss this issue.
All in all, not a fun situation for anyone involved.

I have seen those who refuse to accept that their partner won't ask them to marry, and just stay regardless, even after multiple discussions of the topic where they clearly understand their partner's stance.
It can go either way.

I think OP is sick and immoral

Right, and he probably feels less guilty about cheating

It may be enough for him to just be her boyfriend, but if she's looking for a husband and considering him for that role then that's something he needs to discuss with her. don't let her sit and hope and wonder when you will pop the question when he clearly never will.

Unfortunately sometimes people assume somebody will change their minds on marriage or kids because of the "everyone does it" kind of mindset. So he may have told her and she's just ignored it.

I agree #148. I told my ex that I was not after any more children as I have a daughter from a previous relationship. In the end I called it a day as she assumed I would change my mind. Poking holes in the condoms to force my hand ment I walked away before she got pregnant.

#2, That's highly unlikely. Those kind of relationships are very rare.

Just because he doesn't believe in marriage doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with her.

#190 - Google Oprah

Then maybe you should let her know that so she doesn't keep waiting for something that's not going to happen.

How do you know he hasn't but she's just in denial? What if OP posted this just after he heard the conversation and hasn't had an opportune moment to bring up the conversation? People seem to forget that these posts are relatively brief and if they seem like the poster is rambling, it won't be accepted.

If they've been together long enough for her to think he is going to propose, then it should have come up by now.

Exactly! If she really wants to get married and he doesn't he's wasting her time by letting her think he wants to propose

@#65 for all we know they have been dating 4 weeks and she is the type of person who instantly wants to marry the first possible opportunity. Secondly maybe she is the type of woman that doesn't want the husband just the wedding and this is why OP is against marriage as she has tainted his view.

Don't see why #151 has so many dislikes, considering there are many possibilities to what is currently happening, since OP hasn't left a reply yet.

57, I don't mean to imply that Op is doing it on purpose to lead the girlfriend on or anything of the sort. I just meant to say that whatever the situation is, Op should clear things up with the girlfriend so they both make sure that neither get disappointed in the future. Better sooner than later.

If she wants to marry him, why doesn't she ask him? No need to wait forever, gender equality and all that!

If you're not interested in marriage then why lead her on?

Marriage is immoral now? God I pity your girlfriend. I would be beyond upset to find out I'd been wasting my time with one of you anti-marriage quacks.

To some people, marriage can seem immoral.

Sometimes people have good reasons for not wanting marriage,e like a lack of money. But to seriously think it's immoral is strange.

130- And I feel bad for people who would be with you for being so judge mental to someone you don't even know. Some people just don't want to get married. And they're probably still great people.

#156 Yeah you're right OP sounds like a real catch. Why don't you date him and save the girlfriend the misery?

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

You don't have to spend tons of money to get married. My friend got married for like 50 bucks at the courthouse.
Some people get married for tax benefits and because if something happens they want them to be family in the event something bad happens.

Marriage is actually a lot cheaper. Paying 1 rent. Buying food in bulk for 2. You dont even have to have a huge wedding. Het it done at your house backyard or in your apartment if money is a problem. You could also not have any celebration and just aign the marriage certificate for free.

Then don't have a wedding. I didn't have one because 1) we didn't want to spend the money 2) we are the only ones in our families who don't live in California so that would mean a lot of travel for us or them 3) our families both have nutcases on both sides and it would be like the holidays where "It's not Thanksgiving until somebody cries" and 4) I think members of my family trying to plan a wedding together would have ended in murder.

We just didn't need it. We went to the courthouse and called it a day. Honestly, I don't care if you get married. Whether you care about the piece of paper or not doesn't matter to me, but being married on paper does have its benefits when it comes to finances, emergency situations, and, in my case, having the military actually acknowledge you are a part of the military member's life. Would my husband and I have been happy without that piece of paper? Absolutely. Would we still be together? Heck, yeah. In the end, it's up to you and your SO. My husband's dad wasn't married to his SO and they were very happy together for many, many years until her recent death.

It says that you are so serious about the relationship that you are publicly, formally, and officially declaring it to be permanent.

I don't think OP's choice of immoral is correct, but I also don't think that people should be forced into believing in marriage. Yes, I want to get married, because to me a marriage is symbolic of a deeper commitment, but not everyone sees marriage as a symbol, some see it as an unnecessary piece of paper to prove the commitment that they already have. That said, OP should definitely talk to his girlfriend.

First, the fact that you don't like marriage doesn't make it sick or immoral. Second unless you have made it amply clear to your partner that you don't ever want to get married, they are entitled to think that if things go well, the relationship will eventually lead to marriage. Your girlfriend seems oblivious of the fact that you're so anti-marriage, so it's a Fuck her life from me

just because you think marriage isn't sick and immoral doesn't mean it isn't. OP has the right to think so and you have the right to think otherwise. nobody's right or wrong, you just have different opinions.
on the second point I agree with you fully. It's strange that they're so far into the relationship that his girlfriend considers marriage while they never talked about their opinion about marriage in general.

It's simple, #25. If someone gets hurt, something is wrong. In this case marriage is the implied culmination of a relationship in our society and has been in virtually every culture throughout history in one form or another. If a relationship deviates from what is standard there is an obligation to ensure your partner understands.

I don't get why #25 is getting downvoted. He's agreeing with everyone that they should talk it out.

Yeah, everyone has different opinions, but opinion doesn't change what's sick and immoral and what's not sick and immoral. If a person murders someone, they obviously don't think it's sick and immoral. But it's still sick and immoral. They freaking killed someone. Marriage doesn't hurt anyone in any way, it does nothing wrong. No one has to like it, but it isn't sick or immoral at all.

I was single for a long time before I got married so I'm used to people having strong opinions on my relationship status. Doesn't bother me, if he wants to think marriage is evil and immoral that is his right!

I think I might not be one for marriage myself, but I agree with you on the whole "immoral" stance and that OP should talk to her since he is so firm in his stance, which is why I chose YDI. However, the OP's girlfriend is NOT entitled to think that the relationship is heading towards marriage. If I was in a relationship with someone and we hadn't even /discussed/ our future together, I'd think they were insane for assuming I'm going out and buying an engagement ring for them (or if they bought one for me). Yes, she is entitled to /want/ to get married someday and she can /want/ to get married to OP, but she shouldn't be assuming anything since they clearly haven't talked it over at all.

The sudden change of tone indicates it is an exaggerated dramatic display intended for humorous effect. Learn to laugh.

im just here reading the comments. wanted to say im happy your dog is so happy and cute

Off on a tangent, I don't think I've seen a comment get this many up votes in such a short amount of time. Color me impressed!

The only reason I can think of for OP's thinking is that marriage and commitment to one person for life goes against our natural instincts. BUT the fact that the vast majority of our species chose marriage as a tradition is due to our moral compass telling us that (most of) our natural instincts are amoral.

I feel sorry for both.
She'll keep on expecting and you'll keep on disappointing her. FYL OP.

Or they could have an adult conversation and discuss personal views on the subject of marriage.

Yes they could....but it just sounds like that they have already given up.

Why even be in a relationship if your views on marriage are like that. Why not just be friends with benifits?

#22 Just because someone does not like the idea of marriage does not mean they don't believe in love and commitment.

Actually that's what marriage is. Whether you believe in the religious side or not, it's a lifelong commitment to your partner.

#37 if a couple doesn't have a religious reason to get married, some just don't want to bring the government into their relationship. Doesn't mean they are any less committed to a life-long partnership.

Furthermore, if you look back to medieval Europe, marriage, especially among the upper classes, wasn't about love and commitment all all, but about status and social climbing. You can see elements of that up until present day with cultures that still believe in arranged marriages when the bride and groom don't even meet more than once or twice (if ever) before the wedding.

No marriage is a legal action that allows 2 people to have certain legal benefits like tax benefits. People give marriage it's reputation of the end goal of a meaningful relationship, but that doesn't mean it has to be. Additionally, 50% of marriages end in divorce, therefore not lifelong. In the end marriage is a legal action and only means what you want it to.

The origins of marriage which were pretty blatant trading women as property from father to husband and dowry and stuff (still done in the world) don't apply to modern implications of marriage for us, but perhaps that's what OP has against it? ...For me the most important benefit of marriage over lifelong unmarried commitment, beyond taxes and stuff, is to be the one to give consent in spouse/family-only Hospital situations and inheritance and life insurance. Really so that in the worst case scenarios of illness and death both parties have those protections... and can be buried next to each other in a denominational cemetery.

That 50% number isn't true though. In America it's close to that in the most recent study, but worldwide it isn't. Most countries have a percentage closer to 10.

The 50% actually isn't even true in America--or I should say the 50% number is misleading. That divorce rate statistic includes second, third, fourth, etc., divorces but doesn't represent first time marriages. The divorce rate amongst first time marriages is significantly lower. However, those who divorce once are more like to divorce again. So the number is skewed because some people get divorced more than once. But going into marriage for the first time, you have a lower chance of divorce. I want to say the number is somewhere in the low 40%.

You also have to take into account age when getting married. If Op is older, then his marriage is likely to last longer.

If you look in to it more, you will see that the 50% thing had to do with a 70's statistic survey that failed to take in to all marriages and not just a certain year.
It is a lower number than that but no one really knows what.

I just reread my comment and realised how stupid it was because of the friends withe benifits part (which was a joke btw.). However I can't really see the problem. What's the big difference between marriage and being in a comitted relationship? I am not asking this to provoke or offend anyone. I just really want to see other peoples perspective.

So this FML made sense at first but then it got really weird and dark.

I agree 8. OP you really need to talk to your gf and tell her how you feel about marriage. This is not a good situation and you need to resolve it.

You're kind of leading her on OP. I guarantee she's going to be upset when she finds out you feel this way. Better let her down easy.

It's not really leading her on unless he's made comments about wanting to marry her before. People shouldn't just expect their partners to have the same views on relationship status/marriage without having first talked with them about it.

It may be a difficult conversation to have, but it's necessary for the health of any long-term relationship.

if he doesn't say anything then it's now leading her on. they need to have a talk Pronto.

But does she know your opinion on marriage? As harsh it is, you should set things straight

Nice of you to let her go on thinking that marriage was in the future. Be up front and honest about how you feel.
Also what's your issue with marriage?

Maybe he has told her and she is just obsessed about getting married and is in denial. If he has already told her how he feels, then he has done all he needs to and she needs to ether grow up and come to terms with it, or he needs to leave as she is not mentally stable.

I have a friend in a similar situation, except from the girl's perspective. It is the saddest damn thing I've ever seen. In her case, though, he'll talk about rings and stuff and then not follow up. Enough to string her along and get her hopes up. It's more complicated than that. I wish she would have ditched him a long time ago. He's never going to follow through. She's going to remain "comfortable" but tortured. 10 years this has been going on.... Please talk to your gf OP. She clearly has her heart set on marriage. This isn't fair to her. Let her have a chance to find someone that will want what she wants.

If OP really loves her and doesn't want to lose her and that's what she wants why not go through with it?

By that reasoning, if he wants sex every day regardless of if she does, or wants to do no chores round the house as that would make him unhappy and want to leave. Then she must also agree to these things to keep him. Relationships are a equal thing. He may have told her and she is in denial