Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products....

By Herestheskinny - 29/4/2017 02:00

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

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Work

Does it taste good?

Yappy neighborhood

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 15:36 - United States

Today, I found a cup full of urine in the bathtub. No one in my family knows where it came from. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By :/ - 5/11/2013 21:01 - United States - Romulus

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2015 13:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2015 12:18

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By lexibabe - 3/3/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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By Bad parenting101 - 8/1/2017 03:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By Carrie_Chaos - 23/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

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By ooops - 3/9/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

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By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By Lee - 21/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By Faceplant - 14/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Port Orchard

Smooth move, teach.

Today, I monitored my students as they conducted a lab experiment. I was walking to the other side of the room while looking at a student who seemed about to ask a question. When she looked up at me, I walked into a wall. FML

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By taurus05 - 14/11/2009 03:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

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By problemchild - 2/11/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say "Yes she did." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2011 21:14 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

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By mayoshampoo - 1/9/2014 16:59 - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - 30/5/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By Irobot - 15/3/2017 22:00

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By PanFace - 13/10/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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By Gabriela - 23/11/2011 01:00

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

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By Riicogonz - 13/8/2018 20:32

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By jojobobo - 2/12/2017 19:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

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By rnw - 21/7/2016 05:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 02:44 - Canada

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

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By im_a_mocker - 28/1/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

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By grounded - 18/12/2011 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

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By keimA - 23/6/2019 12:30

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

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By fries - 24/11/2013 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boyfriend announced to me he was sleeping with another girl via alphabet soup. FML

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By Newly Minted Canuck - 22/4/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

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By nooo - 5/2/2015 00:00 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

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By brooke - 21/3/2012 17:12 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

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By catlady - 9/1/2012 16:56 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 15:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By :( - 14/6/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 21:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after spending months learning Chinese, selling my house and everything I own for my big transfer to Hong Kong, my boss decided I should instead go to our other branch across town. FML

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Top comments

By Druu | 53

#7446072 - Saturday 29 April 2017 2:13

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

By ImminentDisaster | 12

#7445492 - Thursday 27 April 2017 23:55

It puts the lotion on its skin...

Comments

By ImminentDisaster | 12

#7445492 - Thursday 27 April 2017 23:55

It puts the lotion on its skin...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7446070 - Saturday 29 April 2017 2:08

If she calls herself Buffalo Bill, run like hell!

By Druu | 53

#7446072 - Saturday 29 April 2017 2:13

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

By TADspace | 30

#7446079 - Saturday 29 April 2017 3:41

Did you threaten to kill her dog to make it stop?

By Lalala579121 | 27

#7446118 - Saturday 29 April 2017 8:15

"help a women"

By dipsofomnia | 8

#7446126 - Saturday 29 April 2017 9:01

Is she a Bolton? ;P

Burle | 17

#7446360 - Saturday 29 April 2017 21:08

That's simply conjecture at this point

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7446273 - Saturday 29 April 2017 16:25

Maybe she wants to become a skinwalker

By C8H18 | 33

#7446324 - Saturday 29 April 2017 19:30

OP here. This is one of the many reasons I sometimes think retail workers should get hazard pay to deal with the public.

By Viewerv | 2

#7446344 - Saturday 29 April 2017 20:46

Sad but true fact of life, women with light coloured skin in Nepal are apparently being skinned so wealthier women in India can use the skin to graft over scars and stuff. But fortunately OP, you are unlikely to be kidnapped by skin thieves.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7446354 - Saturday 29 April 2017 21:02

you should have asked her if she had s poodle. did "mom" talk to her even though mom is,dead