Love: Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 338

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 126

06/09/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 155

You deserved it 268

Mother of the year

There's no helping some people

What a catch

08/06/2013 19:01

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 560

You deserved it 9 501

10/02/2015 12:59

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 321

You deserved it 5 174

30/01/2012 05:24

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 247

You deserved it 3 932

09/10/2017 13:00

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 160

You deserved it 374

31/08/2011 03:30

Spicy

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 695

You deserved it 3 939

07/09/2009 04:57

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 411

You deserved it 7 006

11/03/2015 03:03

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 038

You deserved it 6 396

29/08/2009 04:27

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 317

You deserved it 10 054

Respect should be earned

By sarah - 06/06/2020 20:00

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 203

09/01/2013 01:01

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 703

You deserved it 3 201

21/10/2018 14:00

Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 748

You deserved it 165

23/03/2009 15:46

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. As I was getting off an old man whistled at me, I told him to go to hell and got off the bus. When the bus drove away the old man stood in the back of the bus, holding up the wallet I left that he was trying to give to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 430

You deserved it 134 159

31/03/2017 20:00

Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 858

You deserved it 706

16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 869

You deserved it 440

Chill out, Judy

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 08:01

Today, my mom found out about my brother smoking. She calmly discussed smoking with him. On the other hand, I got yelled at and made to do chores all day despite having a university exam, just because I knew about it but I didn't tell her, because I knew that I would get the short end of the stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 65

FML: Uncensored

By LindseyS - 20/03/2012 02:00

Spicy

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 004

You deserved it 106 463

Trainwreck

By Done me over but good - 16/06/2021 16:01

Today, I asked my son to keep my new girlfriend secret from his mom until our divorce was final, and he ran straight to her. She told the judge I was unfaithful and wants more money from our settlement. My son doesn't give a shit about snitching on me, because she's giving him a percentage of the new settlement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 335

You deserved it 1 612

05/03/2015 13:32

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 3 407

Swiper No Swiping!

By NotAThief - 17/07/2017 20:00

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 917

You deserved it 289

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 08:05

Today, I took my daughter to the library instead of the pool. I sat her on the counter and, while I reached for my library card, she turned to the librarian and said, "We didn't go to the pool today because Mum has hairy legs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 607

You deserved it 13 450

01/02/2010 03:16

Today, my little brother was playing with my cat, getting it to chase a laser pointer. He thought it would be funny to shine the laser pointer over my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 139

You deserved it 3 602

14/08/2019 06:00

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 106

05/10/2014 17:04

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 550

You deserved it 3 713

11/02/2013 07:19

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 241

You deserved it 10 641

26/12/2016 06:40

Today, my cousin left her undisciplined demon-child at my house for Christmas. This child destroyed the other children's gifts and made so much noise that the neighbors called the police. The adults can't really discipline her while her mother is away, so all we can do is apologize in this child's wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 523

You deserved it 1 505

21/05/2012 05:56

Spicy

Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 654

You deserved it 7 771

26/01/2012 14:49

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 340

You deserved it 3 262

18/11/2009 21:11

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 916

You deserved it 51 083

15/02/2010 18:58

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 407

You deserved it 3 856

22/01/2017 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 377

You deserved it 715

Mom of the year

By Darice - 08/08/2020 05:03

Today, after years of not speaking with my birth mother, I took a chance and stopped to talk to her when I saw her outside of her house. Five minutes into it, I knew I needed my hair recolored and that I'm out of shape, this all being said by a totally gray haired fat woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 163

27/04/2017 04:00

Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed man. He reached into his pocket and handed me records that "prove" he never cheated on me. Oh, and the man next to him? His lawyer, who gave me a summons to court over payment for the items I smashed when I dumped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 867

You deserved it 9 979

09/09/2012 21:38

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 209

You deserved it 2 387

08/10/2013 00:21

Today, I was playing soccer when a player kicked the ball at my crotch. In pain, I kneeled down. The referee came up to me and whispered, "The smaller they are, the more it hurts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 540

You deserved it 4 032

14/12/2009 06:58

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 729

You deserved it 8 950

13/11/2009 05:45

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 802

You deserved it 42 631

15/08/2011 15:55

Today, I started my job as an assistant to a beekeeper. I forgot to put gloves on, and got stung like crazy. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. Turns out, I'm allergic to bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 633

You deserved it 37 650

23/06/2017 04:00

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 122

You deserved it 587

04/01/2010 22:29

Today, I went to the dentist to get a baby tooth which had decayed removed. After almost an hour, I came out with a numb mouth and a missing tooth for life. It was not a baby tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 007

You deserved it 6 501

20/08/2009 12:45

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 513

You deserved it 3 065

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Thursday 6 September 2018 16:58

Оh, you poor naive thing :-( I am sorry, dude. She should've had decency to give you the actual reason.

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Thursday 6 September 2018 16:41

I'm not entirely sure I would believe that reasoning-- if it meant that much to her, that never should've crossed her mind.

Comments

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Thursday 6 September 2018 16:39

Is she blonde.. in all seriousness that’s stupid

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Saturday 8 September 2018 18:31

A--offensive. B--I doubt she's stupid. But she think he's stupid, that's for sure.

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Thursday 6 September 2018 16:41

I'm not entirely sure I would believe that reasoning-- if it meant that much to her, that never should've crossed her mind.

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Thursday 6 September 2018 16:52

Consider that bullet dodged...

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Thursday 6 September 2018 16:58

Оh, you poor naive thing :-( I am sorry, dude. She should've had decency to give you the actual reason.

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Thursday 6 September 2018 17:11

Take the ring back, and spend the money on yourself. Then, if you still want to marry the silly girl get her a ring from a gumball machine.

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Thursday 6 September 2018 17:19

If that is what it took for her to say no, run. (She could have suggested a smaller ring if she was concerned.)

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Thursday 6 September 2018 17:27

drop her and find someone who the ring does fit.

interesting33 36

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Friday 7 September 2018 10:07

oooh I like it!

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Thursday 6 September 2018 17:30

I would say you accept her rejection and you run, you run far far away. This may seem like a bad thing, but it is a great thing. You didn't marry a girl who is petty and ridiculous, and that saved you months or years of day after day of "Oh sweet Jesus, why did I marry this woman".

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Thursday 6 September 2018 18:31

Try farting in front of her. In fact, give her a Dutch Oven until she says yes...

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 6 September 2018 18:42

Take the ring back for a refund and buy one that is exactly the same size as her sister’s. Take the savings and hire hookers until you get married. Win-win!

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Thursday 6 September 2018 21:09

Bigger rings cost more; no savings won there.

Cali 54

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Friday 7 September 2018 17:29

The girlfriend said no because the ring was bigger than her sister's, so if he returned it to get one the same size, he would definitely have some spare cash.