Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy"...

By stun_zeed

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Bad guy (duh)

Vicious and unprovoked

By nosexforthee - United States - Katy

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

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By lafinesse

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

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44513

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply: "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

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13400

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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41889

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

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44670

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By finalssuck - United States

Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21669

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36678

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By do your own ironing

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45710

You deserved it

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By hala - United States

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

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78376

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6695

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I would be embarrassed if she got a tramp stamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31910

You deserved it

2648

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By SmoothTalker - United States

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied "oh I usually come early." She laughed. FML

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58202

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bicurious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML

I agree, your life sucks

58719

You deserved it

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By BiteMe - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, my dentist told me I have a cavity and blamed it on the "subpar" toothpaste I've been using - the same toothpaste he recommended six months ago at my last appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16173

You deserved it

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By Zapped - United States

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6834

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46123

You deserved it

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By NinjaWafflesx - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40652

You deserved it

3918

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By noooo!!! - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22384

You deserved it

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By FailedTraveller

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3543

You deserved it

335

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By Yudith - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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5534

You deserved it

633

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By wallets - United States

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

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29921

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By fartbucket51995129565 - United States - New York

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51545

You deserved it

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By OopsMonkey - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27930

You deserved it

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By kittynapper - United States - Denver

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML

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53428

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML

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28988

You deserved it

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By Username - United States

Today, the crazy cat lady who lives next to me lost one of her cats. She sat outside with a whistle at 6:00 this morning and continued to blow her whistle for hours. FML

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30815

You deserved it

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By shouldhaveknown - Australia

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

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58670

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By fuckyouverymuch - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

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51850

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By WhatALoserAmI - India - Bhopal

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

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14587

You deserved it

849

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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7051

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 12:00

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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1579

You deserved it

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By hiccups - United States - New York

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

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32781

You deserved it

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By ivegotapackage - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

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29655

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By BatWife - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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4805

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By Anon - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

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16088

You deserved it

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By accountingclown

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7599

You deserved it

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By Junktown - Israel

Today, I was propositioned by an incredibly pretty girl. I'm a 24 year old virgin; she's my best mate's girlfriend. She tells him everything when drunk, and he's a black-belt in karate. This could officially be classified as torture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38557

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43088

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

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8149

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By fckmylife

Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML

I agree, your life sucks

8981

You deserved it

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By Ondskansgris - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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Top comments

By tapdancecolumbia | 14

#7390457 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:32

Why do I feel like most of the FMLs getting posted lately are fake?

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7390460 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:39

Just tell her when "big hard" gets his nut "little squishy" will be right back...

COMMENTS

By tapdancecolumbia | 14

#7390457 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sir_Cow | 17

#7391302 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 13:15

Because the gender tag thing is broken.

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7390460 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:39

Just tell her when "big hard" gets his nut "little squishy" will be right back...

By Spongegar123 | 19

#7390462 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:42

You got aroused from her calling your penis "little squishy"? Lol

MisterEx | 28

#7390475 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 11:57

as long as it wasn't because she said it in an underage cartoon character's voice.

DemCherries | 4

#7390584 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 14:52

I would tbh

ashyb1705 | 3

#7390717 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 19:30

she could have been playing with it and calling it little squishy? who knows..

By babyblueyes | 27

#7390521 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 13:09

Wait.. di-did you get aroused BECAUSE she called it "little squishy"?

By species4872 | 19

#7390656 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 17:27

Don't worry Dory always forgets.

By Stuffaluffagus | 25

#7390670 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 18:00

Is she 5 years old?

By LordOfCheese | 10

#7390734 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 19:46

Does your girlfriend happen to use ifunny?

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#7390754 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:12

Question, OP...why are you dating an eight-year-old?

By Kehza | 1

#7390755 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:12

I've been there too xD

By dblogic | 19

#7390859 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 0:12

Ummm, I think you both may have some issues...