Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy"...

By stun_zeed - 17/1/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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Goodbye Bill

Delayed proposal

Insane parents

By Anonymous - 4/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 21:41 - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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By authentic - 18/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Jeff - 2/3/2010 15:53 - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 00:04

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

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By Munch - 12/9/2017 04:00 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

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By rissalynn - 15/7/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By Qwerty - 28/6/2011 16:10 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

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By Childhood - 12/12/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

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By Anna - 2/10/2012 17:37 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

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By dynah114 - 27/1/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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By it's awkward - 11/8/2015 16:22 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

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By Sad Chef ;( - 5/12/2014 03:33 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By stupidgirl - 30/9/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I changed all my plans, after months of him begging me to, so I could go to the same university as my long-term boyfriend. After I sent in my deposit, he told me we couldn't live together in college because I was "invading his space." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 15:53 - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2011 07:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my co-workers agreed that I was the one causing the elevator to be over its weight limit. When I protested, saying that I only weigh around 150 pounds, one asked me if that included the weight of my wheelchair. They made me get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

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By NotAThief - 14/8/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

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By Nirah - 26/7/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By suckishbf - 28/4/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2015 16:50 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

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By MrsCasillas - 26/9/2013 06:24 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 00:33 - United Kingdom - Knowle

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

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By why - 23/7/2013 13:21

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

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By cleb - 22/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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By dumbbus - 1/4/2015 23:24 - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

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By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 20:00

Instadrama

Today, after suspecting that my boyfriend was cheating while I was out of town, I came across an Instagram picture of him with another girl. I found out that he told her he was single. When I confronted him in a comment, the girl’s friend replied, "He clearly likes her more than you." FML

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By young and dumb - 27/8/2016 06:27 - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

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By notgoodenough - 25/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By KaraAnn17 - 12/2/2011 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, my 6 ft snake got loose. I found it. It was in my neighbor's backyard, constricting their pet rabbit. FML

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By TooTallNiCo - 28/11/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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Top comments

By tapdancecolumbia | 14

#7390457 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:32

Why do I feel like most of the FMLs getting posted lately are fake?

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7390460 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:39

Just tell her when "big hard" gets his nut "little squishy" will be right back...

COMMENTS

By tapdancecolumbia | 14

#7390457 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sir_Cow | 17

#7391302 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 13:15

Because the gender tag thing is broken.

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7390460 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:39

Just tell her when "big hard" gets his nut "little squishy" will be right back...

By Spongegar123 | 19

#7390462 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 10:42

You got aroused from her calling your penis "little squishy"? Lol

MisterEx | 28

#7390475 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 11:57

as long as it wasn't because she said it in an underage cartoon character's voice.

DemCherries | 4

#7390584 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 14:52

I would tbh

ashyb1705 | 3

#7390717 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 19:30

she could have been playing with it and calling it little squishy? who knows..

By babyblueyes | 27

#7390521 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 13:09

Wait.. di-did you get aroused BECAUSE she called it "little squishy"?

By species4872 | 19

#7390656 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 17:27

Don't worry Dory always forgets.

By Stuffaluffagus | 25

#7390670 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 18:00

Is she 5 years old?

By LordOfCheese | 10

#7390734 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 19:46

Does your girlfriend happen to use ifunny?

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#7390754 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:12

Question, OP...why are you dating an eight-year-old?

By Kehza | 1

#7390755 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 20:12

I've been there too xD

By dblogic | 19

#7390859 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 0:12

Ummm, I think you both may have some issues...