Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns...

By daddy-o - 14/03/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 790

You deserved it 20 837

Summer: Sun, Sea and Blunders
Summer anecdotes where the sun shines... and blunders are never far away! More…

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Same thing different taste

Cold open

By AbsentMindedBoy - 03/03/2009 04:09 - Canada

Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked, "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said, "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said, "That's great to hear!" Turns out she has lung cancer instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 627

You deserved it 15 766

By themarrowguy - 23/08/2013 10:06 - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 158

You deserved it 4 352

By Anonymous - 25/01/2011 07:19 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 086

You deserved it 3 521

By Tweety - 09/04/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 885

You deserved it 8 510

By captainuniverse - 14/05/2016 05:53 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 088

You deserved it 1 283

Blockages

By jakestorm - 04/09/2019 20:00

Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 695

You deserved it 374

Sweet relief

By Anonymous - 17/06/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 614

You deserved it 1 561

By DaChief - 31/05/2016 03:17 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 366

You deserved it 1 093

Bad sign

By ITalkGood - 28/12/2009 00:37 - France

Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 783

You deserved it 10 016

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 778

You deserved it 2 189

brokenangelexy 13

Wednesday 14 March 2012 16:09

Don't be silly wrap your willy!

tencentsakiss 19

Wednesday 14 March 2012 16:11

I want to know if this is just your cute way of writing, or if she's really too dumb to realize that she's pregnant.

Comments

Banjo1234 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 1:32

wow congrats! way to put it!

midgles 6

Thursday 15 March 2012 1:48

Oh, just got that. Hahaha :)

cp1338 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 1:55

Took me a good five minutes before I got that lol(:

MeleMallory 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 1:57

A period is not an illness. And if you don't want kids, USE A CONDOM.

nibiru8722 3

Thursday 15 March 2012 2:00

Um, why are there so many "FYL"s???? If you don't want a kid, use birth control, use condoms, or don't have sex. NOT THAT HARD.

JadeWalker 14

Thursday 15 March 2012 2:04

Hah sucks for you. An ****** isn't worth a $20,000+ mistake ydi

WhiteRangerKid 5

Thursday 15 March 2012 2:08

Congrats!!

vbmg152 18

Thursday 15 March 2012 2:23

Keep it zipped & this won't happen!!

lilsexythang 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 2:26

You ass. If your saying fml then maybe you should wrap it up! It's your own fault.

PuppyLove97 6

Thursday 15 March 2012 2:27

Woah! Thats great! And not so great. :p

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I agreed to anal with my boyfriend, but when I told him anal takes prep, like stretching and lubing, and you can’t just jam a knob up there like in a porno, he lost all interest, asked for a blowjob, and when I said no, he started sulking. I struggle to remember why I’m with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 434

Today, my son is refusing to find a girlfriend because, as he puts it, “Them woke bitches just want my money.” He lives alone, has a good job and lots of friends, but he never asks anyone out, and when women ask him out, he practically hisses at them like a feral cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 526

The Top

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 615

You deserved it 4 855

Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 547

You deserved it 7 085

Today, the best restaurant in our neighbourhood is owned by a husband and wife who scream at each other constantly. Everyone thinks it’s funny, so they have a lot of loyal customers. I took a date there but the screaming gave her flashbacks to her own parents, so she hyperventilated and fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 271

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 160

You deserved it 3 174

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 104

You deserved it 5 961

Today, after my boyfriend left me a few months ago, I'd accepted him back because I wanted to work things out. However, now the pain I had to go through is making me lose sleep, interest, and my self-respect. Ugh! FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 640