By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 17:02

Corporate ass

Today, I found out that my boss would rather give grant money back than give it to any of his employees as any sort of bonus for working through the pandemic. Two of us have worked for him for over 20 years. So much for loyalty I guess. FML

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Serious times

Rock, hard place

Dad of the year

By 12345678 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

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By Instacreep

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By nickw177 - United States

Today, my wife confused terminology from my religion with stuff from Harry Potter. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By shit.... - Malaysia - Kuala Selangor

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for college graduation. Turns out my advisor screwed me over and now I'm 1 credit hour short of getting my degree. Now I have to wait another semester and pay $3,500 just to take a one hour class on Bowling so that I can graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 20:00

Cabin fever

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a cup full of urine in the bathtub. No one in my family knows where it came from. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By Pooperscooper - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By Bassackward

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

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By dypshyyt - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

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By PiaNO - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my boyfriend, who recently had to move away, about not calling enough. Apparently his moving had meant that we were now taking a break, he just forgot to talk it over with me. He still wants to visit, and keep the relationship in bed alive though. FML

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By ambushcat - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

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By sweetjulie

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By smarterthanmymum - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By Awie - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

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By RBHSWedgieGirl - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

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By AUDONEE - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

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By zzdug - United States

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

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By ivegotapackage - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

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By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

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By sausagefingers - United States - Nixa

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

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By Dead_Eye - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By NeverGonnaHappen

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

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By blink_kid - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By 404 justice not found - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By adam - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7913464 - Saturday 13 June 2020 17:10

Ouch I would go find a better boss

By RichardPencil | 28

#7913468 - Saturday 13 June 2020 17:35

You were quite literally taken for "grant"-ed.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7913464 - Saturday 13 June 2020 17:10

Ouch I would go find a better boss

tounces7 | 27

#7913528 - Sunday 14 June 2020 0:45

Most bosses in America are like this. Welcome to Crony Capitalism.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7913468 - Saturday 13 June 2020 17:35

You were quite literally taken for "grant"-ed.

By Christina Winden | 18

#7913527 - Sunday 14 June 2020 0:40

Your boss sounds like an ass.

By Melissa Kucher | 10

#7914250 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 5:20

its literally "grant" money. its designated for a certain thing, if they dont reach the maximum, the rest gets returned. thats how grants work. you cant just allocate them to some other business expense.

By Nailah Butler | 4

#7916234 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 21:00

Grants are usually very specific on how the funds can be used. There are limitations and rules and if they are mishandled the company could lose out on applying again or have to pay fines if it is from the government.

By Lee O'Brien Andersen | 3

#7916875 - Saturday 27 June 2020 12:07

I don't think I've ever heard of a grant, that you could just hand out to employees as bonus, if the grant hadn't been used up for the intended purpose. Your boss would probably be penalised for doing so. If you have worked for him for 20 years, you should know that.