Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to...

By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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Love

Family values

Dangling modifier

Great speech, thanks!

By pencilskirt - 22/3/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By manda - 16/2/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By h0308 - 8/9/2009 09:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

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By lostbandana - 3/7/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 23:00

Think it through

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML

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By CarolinaD - 23/10/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, my son's teacher told me that I should take my son to the doctor, because he has been complaining of bad headaches. They ran some tests, and then removed a peanut that's apparently been lodged in his nose for months. FML

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By queenbitch - 20/4/2015 01:39 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I pulled up to a red light. My ex was in the next car, and my car's windows are so tinted that you can't see through them, so I flipped him off. I was driving my mom's car. FML

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By chichi - 7/2/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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By shart up, your puns suck - 1/6/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

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By homeless4Christmas - 24/12/2009 05:54 - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

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By metallicatime - 16/12/2011 03:16 - United States

Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML

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By Hypocrisy - 28/9/2011 22:16 - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By Bethany - 28/8/2012 21:22 - United States - Cable

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

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By shorty - 13/2/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

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By jonloran - 14/8/2015 09:08 - United States - Incline Village

Today, my friend and I were getting picked up by his dad after a carnival. As I put my stuff in the back of the car and shut the door to walk around to get in the other side, his dad drove off, thinking I was in the car, leaving me to walk up their hill. It was midnight and I ended up lost. FML

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By rochellamaya - 2/9/2011 12:47 - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

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By sickday - 2/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By LesToiliettes - 25/3/2012 07:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

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By srloin - 21/9/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By Anon_a_mouse - 30/3/2011 19:59 - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

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By tammy - 15/8/2010 17:24 - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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By seanzynotfonzyehhhhh - 4/8/2016 05:16 - United States

Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bath tub about 4 inches high full of piss and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stain in all the wrong places. FML

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By fuckyoudeadgunnuts - 4/9/2015 14:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 08:47 - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By ohseven6421 - 3/9/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

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By Boned...hard - 28/1/2010 00:09 - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

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By lol - 5/12/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2020 05:05

A writer writes

Today, my boyfriend came across an old poem I wrote. I like to write horror stuff, but he was disturbed, called it “silly” and “sad”, and said he didn’t want to have a girlfriend who thinks about stuff like that. I'm now discouraged from becoming a writer. FML

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By thedancer5 - 3/8/2011 16:47 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

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By 2ndgenoration - 17/5/2014 21:56 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 17:59 - United States

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - 24/11/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By Getmeout - 31/5/2012 06:50 - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

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By raz - 2/10/2012 00:11 - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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Top comments

By aislincalum | 5

#4682964 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:41

What did you say? I would have lost my shit.

By randomthing | 22

#4682965 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:41

The worst thing that could happen would be your fiancé listening to her. Just ignore her :p

COMMENTS

By aislincalum | 5

#4682964 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:41

What did you say? I would have lost my shit.

thesubconscious | 9

#4682993 - Friday 13 July 2012 12:14

"Oh Grandma, I think the Alzheimer's is making you forget why you are here"

Mideoyeo | 12

#4682998 - Friday 13 July 2012 12:18

She's a old person OP..some old folks tend to be batty and mean. So just ignore her OP, its a special day just focus on that! :D

sexygurllolz | 1

#4683018 - Friday 13 July 2012 12:39

you must have a loose butthole
if you lose your shits

patrickalamo | 47

#4683049 - Friday 13 July 2012 13:17

Grammy, I hope they are serving hotdogs that way you can go F**k yourself.

Uramonkey | 11

#4683054 - Friday 13 July 2012 13:30

I lost my shit while reading this... Because i'm on the can.

mojo5678 | 5

#4684391 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:02

24- please kill yourself immediately

efemel94 | 7

#4684488 - Saturday 14 July 2012 3:22

I imagined nicholas cage losing his shit over situation... I'll never sleep again.

By randomthing | 22

#4682965 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:41

The worst thing that could happen would be your fiancé listening to her. Just ignore her :p

perdix | 29

#4683019 - Friday 13 July 2012 12:40

Wouldn't the worst thing that could happen be that the fiancé dumps the OP for the girl that Granny picked?

sunnyt | 5

#4683020 - Friday 13 July 2012 12:44

Well no duh, 25.

perdix | 29

#4683079 - Friday 13 July 2012 14:49

#26, shouldn't your "no, duh" be targeted at #2?

By BaconBob20 | 6

#4682966 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:41

At least he's with you, so don't be worried!

By fuzz97 | 23

#4682973 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:47

All the stories on here about the elderly lead me to believe that old people have absolutely no discretion.

outoftown | 26

#4683034 - Friday 13 July 2012 12:55

4, "old people have absolutely no discretion"
The ones who do don't make it into FMLs. Unless they write them, which I plan to do when I am one.

1crabbygirl | 10

#4683061 - Friday 13 July 2012 13:44

And they get away with a lot because people feel sorry for them. Old ppl have lived long enough to learn some tricks and to grow very, very brash.

By MetalxSoldier | 26

#4682974 - Friday 13 July 2012 11:48

Grams didn't take her meds. You'll have to excuse her. Don't forget to tell her about the "absolutely wonderful" retirement home where she will meet many lovely people like herself. ;)