Miscellaneous: Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and...

By Lookalike - United States - Nitro

Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and asked if I was Brad Pitt. Either there's some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm the world's ugliest woman. FML

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Miscellaneous

Triage

Seize the means of production

Nice try

By pdnne - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

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48827

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 23:01 - Canada

Classic sting

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to prank my friend. When he came to pick me up in his car, I pulled up my mask, put on my toque, got in the back seat and yelled "This is a robbery! Don't talk! Drive now!" I'd hopped in the back of the wrong car. FML

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192

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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24381

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By Boo - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By Chub - United States

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

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By lala456 - United States

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

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By killmenow - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML

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64179

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By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

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By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

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By Time for a haircut - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

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50776

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By Buzzie - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

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32389

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

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1475

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By wishyouweremeds - Australia - Sydney

Where's my explanation?

Today, after two and half years at my company and after recently being promoted, I was told by my boss the business doesn't feel it needs me, and invited me to find another job. FML

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1752

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By -insert clever nickname here- - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked the girl I'm madly in love with out to dinner. When she asked me if I would pay, I jokingly said, "Well, that depends on how the date goes." She looked me up and down and said, "No thanks then." FML

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By Shoryugeki III

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By Distraught - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

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34982

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By kimbo - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML

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28351

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By welp, time to become an assassin - United States - Rowlett

Today, I was playing a video game that required me to hunt a few animals. My mom walked in, saw what I was doing, then went into her psycho vegan mode and started yelling at me. She basically grounded me for "murdering" pixels on a screen. FML

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48222

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By mwja - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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31459

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By babs - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By unsatisfied - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

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22661

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By ReallyRyan?

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

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4116

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By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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2391

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Thanks, government

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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56025

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By safariboo - United States

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

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39564

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By unprofessional - United States - Portland

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

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17917

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 02:01

Empty gestures

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

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1766

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By jshi8 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

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11831

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

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38108

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By cleb

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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3336

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By Not dying. - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

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28943

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By Anonymous - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

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22882

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By xoxo - United States

Miscommunication

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

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1723

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By D.J. - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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Top comments

By cassieperiodbee | 14

#5942629 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:53

Oh dear, well at least Brad Pitt is a good looking person, I mean if I were going to look like a guy, I would want to look like him. :)

By igive | 29

#5942632 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:54

At first I was like "how is this an FML?" Till I read the least sentence.

that just means you're a handsome woman.

COMMENTS

By cassieperiodbee | 14

#5942629 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:53

Oh dear, well at least Brad Pitt is a good looking person, I mean if I were going to look like a guy, I would want to look like him. :)

ThatOneGuy719 | 16

#5942644 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:58

At least that's a positive way to look at it hahaha, good thing she looks like Brad Pitt and not like Richard Simmons!

ktmla | 14

#5942689 - Monday 12 May 2014 20:20

Sorry OP that's PITTiful.

brivielle | 15

#5942695 - Monday 12 May 2014 20:26

Well OP should have asked which version. The Achilles version or the Benjamin Button version?

name_loading | 19

#5942716 - Monday 12 May 2014 20:50

I'd rather look like Robert Downey Jr. if I had to look like a guy, but hey take what you can get, right?

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5943234 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 6:43

Well, at least you get to go home to Angelina Jolie & "x" amount of adopted kids...

thesimp | 6

#5947506 - Saturday 17 May 2014 0:54

Question still remains though, is the OP brad pitt or a fugly woman

By chickenfeet223 | 11

#5942631 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:54

im sorry to hear that. those guys are just wrong

Ian7890 | 23

#5942758 - Monday 12 May 2014 21:37

how do you know they are wrong? have you seen OP?

mageepaigeee44 | 15

#5942837 - Monday 12 May 2014 22:42

How do you know they were male?

By igive | 29

#5942632 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:54

At first I was like "how is this an FML?" Till I read the least sentence.

that just means you're a handsome woman.

badluckalex | 23

#5942659 - Monday 12 May 2014 20:06

I dont think woman want to be "handsome"

mageepaigeee44 | 15

#5942742 - Monday 12 May 2014 21:17

The word handsome by definition is still gender neutral.

jaredofmo | 22

#5943210 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 6:12

So is pretty.

StillUsesMyspace | 22

#5943246 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 6:53

Unfortunately this is the real world where connotation of a word outweighs the literal definition every time.

By w_pony_4ever | 15

#5942636 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:55

at least he's pretty!

By mossdeep2 | 4

#5942638 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:55

That is a difficult situation... I'm sorry OP.

By goodwithoutgods | 20

#5942639 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:56

Hey, at least Brad Pitt is an attractive man. They could have mistaken you for Gollum.

onorexveritas | 23

#5942993 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 1:29

I actually met a girl who resembled Gollum quite a bit. stringy hair even.

chickinblue | 12

#5943161 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 4:55

Oh man FHL

By hellnosucka | 27

#5942640 - Monday 12 May 2014 19:56

Well on the bright side, it's a good thing you're not a mam because otherwise you'd be a heart breaker. Also, a possible jerk and God knows there's enough of those already.