Health: Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and...

By AnastasiyaNicholas - United States

Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML

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Health

Sorry…

Not having a good time, really

The end of the road

By Anonymous - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

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By NoMoreHeadphones - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Ashland

Today, at the laundromat. I loaded a huge load into the top dryer, put all the quarters in, and started the bottom one. I realized my mistake when I came to check on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By Shoofly - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By Damnit - United Kingdom

Today I noticed a large crack in my windscreen. 2 weeks after getting it replaced. The warranty doesn't cover cracks. Several attempts were needed to replace it last time for reasons like losing the new windscreen and telling me they can't make it that day and turning up any way after going out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wayne

Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone decided to throw on the ground rather than in a garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML

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By quackers - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By hatemylife - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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By eddie818 - Canada - Sidney

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By James - United States

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

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By John - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

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By someonepleasehelpme - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

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By jmrz - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went out of my way to avoid street preachers thrusting hateful propaganda at me. A young woman ran up to me and started waving paper in my face, and I snapped at her to fuck off. Right afterwards I realised she was returning something that fell out of my pocket. She looked terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 02:03 - United States - Pittsburgh

The past that suits you best

Today, I found out that sorting and deleting old unnecessary emails to free up space meant reliving the most horrific memories I've ever experienced. Worse yet, I have to keep certain old messages in case these things ever come up again. FML

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By Lost - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

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By Brilee Bruxvoort - 31/5/2020 23:00

Don't give up

Today, after finally putting my foot down and trying to kick my husband out for his alcoholism, I got a lecture from his parents about how much of a piece of shit I am for "giving up" on their son. I've been trying to get him to get help for the past three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

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By elliekilroy - United Kingdom

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

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By cuntocracy - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennett Square

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By Ignorant

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

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By GirlOnTheFly - United States - Uniontown

Today, I was finally able to drive my brother's nice car instead of my clunker, because he left for college. First thing I do? Back into the neighbors' mailbox while exiting the driveway. FML

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By those_allergies - United States - Bend

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By angry girlfriend - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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By ILTali - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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Top comments

By tellithowitis | 13

#4052762 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:48

Don't even try to explain... No use.

By McMan | 23

#4052880 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:20

Tell her school was canceled for national alcohol abuse awareness day and that they were coming to get her. May provide some entertainment.

COMMENTS

By tellithowitis | 13

#4052762 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:48

Don't even try to explain... No use.

MuziKMajoR | 5

#4052819 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:57

And I graduated and I'm married thanks for missing my life mom I hate u *walks up the stairs in anger*

ClassyCommando | 13

#4052902 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:24

Graduated, married and still living with his alcoholic mother? Sounds like a recipe for fail.

lebronesque73091 | 12

#4053416 - Saturday 18 February 2012 23:37

Moms...

naughtia | 14

#4054212 - Sunday 19 February 2012 4:03

Just smile and nod next time, don't waste half an hour

Gbtel | 0

#4075324 - Thursday 23 February 2012 3:06

Anyone else realize that the 18th was a Saturday?

dreamer9614 | 3

#4077087 - Thursday 23 February 2012 13:49

I posted that the day I saw this lol but it's not on here!

By perdix | 29

#4052772 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:50

I hope you're going to bartending school. Your mom could sure use your skills and she could help you with your homework -- a great mother-daughter bonding opportunity.

1awliet | 8

#4053296 - Saturday 18 February 2012 22:44

I didn't know bartending schools existed.

LightningCactus | 12

#4053494 - Sunday 19 February 2012 0:16

You sir, have not lived.

perdix | 29

#4053511 - Sunday 19 February 2012 0:21

#33, Yes, you can get a doctoral degree in Mixology.

When you find an M.D. that can whip up a Harvey Wallbanger, you're dealing with a bartending school graduate.

conqueror57 | 11

#4054822 - Sunday 19 February 2012 8:49

All M.D.s have been to medical school. A Ph.D. Perhaps.

perdix | 29

#4055031 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:59

M. D. can stand either for Medicinae Doctor or Mixologiae Doctor.

The confusion is cleared up once the martini is poured.

By kingsley_fml | 8

#4052784 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:51

Did she get it by 5:30?

ollie179 | 21

#4052942 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:39

Well aren't you a mathematical genius?

kingsley_fml | 8

#4053318 - Saturday 18 February 2012 22:56

Lol, I was confused as to whether she started at 4:30 and it ended up turning 5:00 or if she started this nonsense at 5:00. No need to get snotty over FML.

AssassinsCRB | 0

#4053363 - Saturday 18 February 2012 23:14

^ ????

maronofhearts | 19

#4053679 - Sunday 19 February 2012 1:40

Why would she take a half hour to explain it was 5 if it was 4:30?
Think before you post

ZealIFeel | 7

#4053733 - Sunday 19 February 2012 2:00

Why is that an important detail? Haha

By biggestfan23 | 11

#4052787 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:52

Your mom is a bad role model. Fyl OP

By DontModMeDammit | 10

#4052794 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:52

It's 5 o'clock somewhere!

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4054589 - Sunday 19 February 2012 6:38

Lol homer said something like that in an episode but i forget most of it xD

LunaDragon | 10

#4055121 - Sunday 19 February 2012 10:27

#5 Alan Jackson?

FMLbeginner | 0

#4059025 - Monday 20 February 2012 6:23

It's also happy hour somewhere...

But not here. [takes another swig]

By Blue_berry_594 | 0

#4052795 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:53

Sucks to suck. I wouldn't have tried to explain...

By AdamBasebal69 | 0

#4052822 - Saturday 18 February 2012 19:57

Its 5 o'clock in the morning.

Geddeson | 4

#4053027 - Saturday 18 February 2012 21:06

The conversation got boring

flockz | 19

#4053320 - Saturday 18 February 2012 22:56

i masterbated into a sock.

natashax21 | 5

#4053354 - Saturday 18 February 2012 23:09

So I snuck off to your bedroom.

flockz | 19

#4053640 - Sunday 19 February 2012 1:22

then it clogged my washer.

sinking_fish | 12

#4054649 - Sunday 19 February 2012 7:10

Lmfao... "It's five in the morning. Conversation got boring. I masturbated in a sock. So, I snuck off to your bedroom. Then it clogged my washer."...I don't think that's how the song goes sillies! :p