Animals: Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger...

By mugged - 20/03/2011 20:29 - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 358

You deserved it 4 825

Animals

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mama's boy

Gamers rise up

By Shuttie - 18/01/2013 12:55 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 562

You deserved it 43 508

By Stu - 19/06/2012 09:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 620

You deserved it 2 756

Classic playa move

By lifesux - 31/12/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 360

You deserved it 3 814

By ailat0107 - 31/05/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 099

You deserved it 5 625

By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 158

You deserved it 3 271

By Anonymous - 15/09/2011 23:54 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 884

You deserved it 26 521

By cAtaLanbLoOd - 24/10/2013 06:06 - France - Perpignan

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 085

You deserved it 51 529

By grrr1234 - 01/07/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 607

You deserved it 6 288

By bundie - 28/12/2008 07:02 - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 400

You deserved it 5 091

By Nissan_David - 18/01/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 389

You deserved it 2 796

By randomgirl - 07/01/2012 14:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 060

You deserved it 14 783

By professionalmedicineman - 11/08/2016 19:25 - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 034

You deserved it 2 898

By anonbob - 08/07/2011 01:28 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 320

You deserved it 3 207

No Ragerts

By "Sonofaquiche" - 07/05/2017 00:00

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 085

You deserved it 5 617

By Tom Riddle - 19/12/2016 12:24 - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 311

You deserved it 2 263

By fucked - 24/08/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 314

You deserved it 6 177

By Anonymous - 02/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 967

You deserved it 937

By .__. - 16/07/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 803

You deserved it 4 588

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 19/11/2021 10:59

Today, I was taking phone calls. In my dreams. That's just how horrible my job is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 80

By livgasms - 18/08/2011 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 724

You deserved it 5 091

By anonymous - 08/10/2011 15:36 - Sri Lanka

Today, I decided to make home made french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 576

You deserved it 28 257

By Anonymous - 09/07/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 205

You deserved it 345

By helenablitz - 28/08/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 911

You deserved it 5 069

By nyx - 27/09/2014 08:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 474

You deserved it 3 668

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 22:00

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 2 301

By catlover - 16/06/2011 16:14 - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 145

You deserved it 13 497

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 413

You deserved it 3 251

By humiliated - 26/02/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 785

You deserved it 4 015

By cathugger - 13/07/2019 16:30

Today, while hurrying by bike to an appointment, my chain broke. I quickly got off the road and managed to fix it on the sidewalk, covering my hands in black smear. Dirty but confident about my repair skills, I got up. A second later, felt something warm running down my neck. Bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 116

Dr House

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 16:00

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 309

Zzzzzzzzz

By driving me crazy - 26/05/2017 16:00

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 786

You deserved it 397

You bastard!

By Backseatseller - 15/09/2009 05:35 - New Zealand

Today, I was at work, and some people came in looking for a particular couch. After looking for over an hour on the wholesalers website my boss walks over, makes me take my lunch break and then calls over the couple and takes all the credit for the sale. We work on commission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 611

You deserved it 3 112

By VDM - 03/06/2013 21:16 - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 535

You deserved it 8 210

By Anonymous - 01/07/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 803

You deserved it 34 126

By college estudiata - 27/06/2015 00:57

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 109

You deserved it 7 381

By dammitvasquez - 12/05/2011 23:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 168

You deserved it 8 511

By Why - 24/04/2016 18:59 - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 678

You deserved it 1 986

By Anonymous - 10/08/2013 04:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 681

You deserved it 6 068

By toomuch - 22/11/2011 09:36 - Australia

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 265

You deserved it 12 845

By karlajjjjj - 25/10/2013 12:19 - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 287

You deserved it 11 682

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Top comments

BLAZZZEEEDDD 1

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:30

dogs always go for food

AlienX_fml 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:45

I usually bring an apple when i mug people. Just in case they have a dog.

BLAZZZEEEDDD 1

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:30

dogs always go for food

bigmarkie2 3

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:36

The mugger just may have been a dog whisperer :p

Agiggleaday 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:03

Apples are yummy. I'd choose the apple too :D

mendozaale 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:40

ya i would choose the apple too... i cant save lives on a empty tummy :)

T3P33_fml 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:29

fucking apple fanboys!

Katie_the_Great 6

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:56

42 that's what I was going to say:)

Katie_the_Great 6

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:58

42 that's what I was going to say:)

YouDeservedItnot 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:35

63- You are awesome!

aussie_gemini 5

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:37

my dog wouldn't go for the apple... unless the apple was mugging me!

db_rainblow 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:41

wth is lool??

Codezlol 21

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:05

L2 train your dog better

LOLbomb 1

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:13

Hey apple! Hey! Apple! Hey Apple! Apple! Hey Apple! What!? Dog!

vgameson 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:21

good dog

happytrishy 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:44

RyGan 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 7:06

Of course he would. Apples are pretty darn tasty

xdannyx117x 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 11:11

lol so ur getting mugged and there just happens to be an apple which your dog chose over helping u , attack of the random apples fyl

Cherryripe25 5

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Wednesday 23 March 2011 13:06

food > owner

runepop 0

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Thursday 24 March 2011 7:06

ur dog, is a douchebag. lmao

memo619 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:31

that dog knows his priorities it'd be epic if it was a chihuahua, I can just imagine him trying to bite the robbers leg

Adorlee 11

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:18

You should see my chihuahua. Super annoying and feisty

L3Paparazzo 7

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:25

lmfaoo prob not as annoying as my cat, she sleeps eat and whines.

DillonUSMC 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:30

those little dogs are freaking vicious

ipwnlosers 4

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:46

32- Don't most cats do that?

morgan320 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 7:48

Imagine that kinda dog trying to bite the apple.

carcinogan 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 8:55

hey 35...nice ink devil dog!

paprikacha 9

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Monday 21 March 2011 21:44

@35 They also don't seem to understand how small they are. They are the measly, inebriated punk with inflated bravado of the dog world. :D

goriders123 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

He thought the apple was worth the effort.

DejaRasch 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:48

I agree

insanesna1l 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 12:10

apples won't fight back

sweet_candy_ 17

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:34

Apples are yummy.

MostDope_fml 7

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:58

very yummy! can't blame the dog! lol

deputy_g 5

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:22

granny smiths r gross

deputy_g 5

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:22

granny smiths r gross

james_aka_frosty 3

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:25

your mom is gross

dirtyblond 4

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:27

LOL!^

deputy_g 5

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:30

you're face is gross seeing as you don't have a default

tulsafml 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:55

I love you.

mendozaale 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

wait? whaaa?

kennababy 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:11

i know! I probably would have chosen the apple :)

mintcar 9

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:50

You are face is gross...?

EmoGiana 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:44

I am allergic to apples! >:( I hate you all!

deputy_g 5

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:44

your not you're

EmoGiana 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:47

You make no sense strange man I don't know.

sweet_candy_ 17

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:58

I know he is weird.

j_cat187 19

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:26

srry 36 u fail

docscientist 9

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Monday 21 March 2011 11:46

36- no pic is the default.

birdfreak 24

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

he's a DOG what do u expect????

jess6blondie9 2

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

Dogs always choose the food. :/

tulsafml 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

No I don't!!! don't stereotype me okay!!!

ruby84 1

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:33

lol

jess6blondie9 2

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:15

Hah! Sorry!

qtips402 7

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:42

thats why you buy a cat :D between the apple and the mugger he chooses to leave

daAce77 8

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:13

that's even worst!

qtips402 7

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:43

pfft dont be pessimist xD at least the cat wont get hurt

Agiggleaday 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:49

95, your pic is awesome :)

qtips402 7

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Monday 21 March 2011 11:29

Ohhh it did change finally ^^

BabyLuis 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 19:02

# 50 i love that picture its fkin pissin me off

Zomg_Okay 26

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:37

Was the dog aware you were in danger? Mine goes off the handle if someone he knows is in danger - but not if he doesn't realise we're in danger.

nikki9tails 3

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:32

I was thinking the same thing if they were casually talking or I guess casually getting mugged I don't think they would notice danger. sorry to hear that Op

AlienX_fml 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:45

I usually bring an apple when i mug people. Just in case they have a dog.

anonymous595 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:13

hahaha :-D mee too!!:-o

freakin_rican96 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:28

hahahahaha that's MADD....I mean angry true!

NCR 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:54

win

MyNameIsntFalco 3

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:46

Not surprised, he must of made that agreement earlier with the dog.

wisericky 12

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:47

dress up in an apple outfit and your dog will be super loyal, or try to eat you...

chlobo13 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:19

win. xD

SmallyBigs 9

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:55

11 and 25's default.... boneriffic.

BlackOpsPWNR 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:16

25, holy crap, you got a little(big) somethin' on you chest! those are freaking huge!

BlackOpsPWNR 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:18

25, you got a little(big) somethin' on your chest! those are freaking huge!

SmallyBigs 9

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:21

That's a nice pair of apples...

chlobo13 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:24

woww guys haha I like tht word "boneriffic". Nice ring to it. xD

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 3

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 201

You deserved it 540

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 746

Classic playa move

No Ragerts

Leave me alone

Dr House

Zzzzzzzzz

You bastard!

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