Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger...

By mugged - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40311

You deserved it

4818

Favorite

Animals

Instadrama

Fairytale ending

You snooze, you lose

By WorstMedicalBill - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11109

You deserved it

21610

Favorite

By bummed

Today, my family and I went on a hike to a local abandoned gold mine, with the hopes of being able to explore the caves. What we didn't expect was four miles of treacherous, rocky, near vertical trails that led to the mine. Once we finally got there, exhausted, it was blocked off for safety reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35721

You deserved it

12251

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39116

You deserved it

3175

Favorite

By Oops - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7634

You deserved it

1434

Favorite

By sounds good mom - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12005

You deserved it

2527

Favorite

By Pseudo - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13221

You deserved it

1517

Favorite

By picklebug - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53039

You deserved it

10110

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00

Not so special

Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1902

You deserved it

289

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23408

You deserved it

1959

Favorite

By fml - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28004

You deserved it

2355

Favorite

By mottephobe - United States

Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23329

You deserved it

36815

Favorite

By Amberain - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29235

You deserved it

7003

Favorite

By embarrassed niece - United States - Cumming

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33769

You deserved it

49952

Favorite

By Frouse

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

671

You deserved it

2487

Favorite

By fuckingdonuts - United States - Edmond

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32911

You deserved it

5150

Favorite

By Miriden - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30422

You deserved it

7465

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was having trouble sleeping, and I was almost asleep when I got a call from one of those spam places. They left a voicemail, which I made the mistake of listening to. The voice was so slowed down, it was very creepy, especially late at night. I don't think I'll be sleeping at all tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1297

You deserved it

222

Favorite

By ohemgee - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22594

You deserved it

4853

Favorite

By RainyDay - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52208

You deserved it

3495

Favorite

By Chat

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3842

You deserved it

704

Favorite

By TiredMom - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29870

You deserved it

10038

Favorite

By sexual parrot

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57470

You deserved it

16021

Favorite

By lizzie1833 - United States

Today, I was laying down in bed when my puppy decided to bite my ear. As I started laughing and pulling him off I noticed one of my $200 earrings got pulled off with it. And now I wait. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32713

You deserved it

5478

Favorite

By tokinallday - United States - Kingsport

Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35236

You deserved it

2480

Favorite

By Pissy

Today, I was traveling home with my four-year-old son. While we were standing in line at the security checkpoint, I hear the sound of water dripping and turned to find my son urinating on the floor. He'd read a sign that said we weren't allowed to take any liquids with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10274

You deserved it

1015

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32626

You deserved it

13316

Favorite

By Perdedor - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17861

You deserved it

44753

Favorite

By LynnJ - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33185

You deserved it

6918

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Moncton

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22483

You deserved it

2258

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé turned 21. I stayed up and took care of him for 3 hours while he puked his guts out. When I FINALLY get him to bed, he jumps up and rips the lid off a plastic container on the floor and pukes in it. It was full of all my yearbooks, baby pictures, and childhood memories. FML

I agree, your life sucks

153247

You deserved it

14322

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35630

You deserved it

4875

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had a new client on my massage list. Two of my fingers got stuck in the thick coat of hair covering his back. I had to stop myself from making grunting noises whilst extricating them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41308

You deserved it

3202

Favorite

By maharaja

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1806

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27965

You deserved it

5049

Favorite

By Anonymous - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48305

You deserved it

3111

Favorite

By embarassinggg - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking your butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31430

You deserved it

2456

Favorite

By nola2005

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1292

You deserved it

453

Favorite

By Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12534

You deserved it

2618

Favorite

By fuckedbyretail - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35243

You deserved it

2718

Favorite

By deathstar3548 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39701

You deserved it

3444

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BLAZZZEEEDDD | 1

#2212354 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:30

dogs always go for food

By AlienX_fml | 0

#2212456 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:45

I usually bring an apple when i mug people. Just in case they have a dog.

COMMENTS

By BLAZZZEEEDDD | 1

#2212354 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:30

dogs always go for food

bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212405 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:36

The mugger just may have been a dog whisperer :p

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212557 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:03

Apples are yummy.
I'd choose the apple too :D

mendozaale | 0

#2212766 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:40

ya i would choose the apple too... i cant save lives on a empty tummy :)

T3P33_fml | 0

#2213070 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:29

fucking apple fanboys!

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2213190 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:56

42 that's what I was going to say:)

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2213204 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:58

42 that's what I was going to say:)

YouDeservedItnot | 0

#2213316 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:35

63- You are awesome!

aussie_gemini | 5

#2213335 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:37

my dog wouldn't go for the apple... unless the apple was mugging me!

db_rainblow | 0

#2214120 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:41

wth is lool??

Codezlol | 21

#2214253 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:05

L2 train your dog better

LOLbomb | 1

#2214303 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:13

Hey apple! Hey! Apple! Hey Apple! Apple! Hey Apple!

What!?

Dog!

vgameson | 0

#2214338 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:21

good dog

happytrishy | 0

#2214445 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:44

RyGan | 0

#2214992 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:06

Of course he would. Apples are pretty darn tasty

xdannyx117x | 0

#2215688 - Monday 21 March 2011 11:11

lol so ur getting mugged and there just happens to be an apple which your dog chose over helping u , attack of the random apples fyl

Cherryripe25 | 5

#2229110 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 13:06

food > owner

runepop | 0

#2233951 - Thursday 24 March 2011 7:06

ur dog, is a douchebag. lmao

By memo619 | 0

#2212360 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:31

that dog knows his priorities
it'd be epic if it was a chihuahua, I can just imagine him trying to bite the robbers leg

Adorlee | 11

#2212630 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:18

You should see my chihuahua. Super annoying and feisty

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2212686 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:25

lmfaoo prob not as annoying as my cat, she sleeps eat and whines.

DillonUSMC | 0

#2212714 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:30

those little dogs are freaking vicious

ipwnlosers | 4

#2212815 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:46

32- Don't most cats do that?

morgan320 | 0

#2215139 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:48

Imagine that kinda dog trying to bite the apple.

carcinogan | 0

#2215399 - Monday 21 March 2011 8:55

hey 35...nice ink devil dog!

paprikacha | 9

#2218305 - Monday 21 March 2011 21:44

@35 They also don't seem to understand how small they are. They are the measly, inebriated punk with inflated bravado of the dog world. :D

By goriders123 | 0

#2212378 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

He thought the apple was worth the effort.

DejaRasch | 0

#2212833 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:48

I agree

insanesna1l | 0

#2215760 - Monday 21 March 2011 12:10

apples won't fight back

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2212380 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:34

Apples are yummy.

MostDope_fml | 7

#2212545 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:58

very yummy! can't blame the dog! lol

deputy_g | 5

#2212654 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:22

granny smiths r gross

deputy_g | 5

#2212659 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:22

granny smiths r gross

james_aka_frosty | 3

#2212682 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:25

your mom is gross

dirtyblond | 4

#2212702 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:27

LOL!^

deputy_g | 5

#2212717 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:30

you're face is gross seeing as you don't have a default

tulsafml | 0

#2212883 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:55

I love you.

mendozaale | 0

#2212947 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

wait? whaaa?

kennababy | 0

#2212985 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:11

i know! I probably would have chosen the apple :)

mintcar | 9

#2213163 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:50

You are face is gross...?

EmoGiana | 0

#2214154 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:44

I am allergic to apples! >:( I hate you all!

deputy_g | 5

#2214165 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:44

your not you're

EmoGiana | 0

#2214175 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:47

You make no sense strange man I don't know.

sweet_candy_ | 17

#2214228 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:58

I know he is weird.

j_cat187 | 19

#2214360 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:26

srry 36 u fail

docscientist | 9

#2215733 - Monday 21 March 2011 11:46

36- no pic is the default.

By birdfreak | 24

#2212382 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

he's a DOG what do u expect????

By jess6blondie9 | 2

#2212385 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

Dogs always choose the food. :/

tulsafml | 0

#2212942 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

No I don't!!! don't stereotype me okay!!!

ruby84 | 1

#2213101 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:33

lol

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2213236 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:15

Hah! Sorry!

qtips402 | 7

#2213354 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:42

thats why you buy a cat :D between the apple and the mugger he chooses to leave

daAce77 | 8

#2213495 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:13

that's even worst!

qtips402 | 7

#2214142 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:43

pfft dont be pessimist xD at least the cat wont get hurt

Agiggleaday | 0

#2214184 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:49

95, your pic is awesome :)

qtips402 | 7

#2215716 - Monday 21 March 2011 11:29

Ohhh it did change finally ^^

BabyLuis | 0

#2217766 - Monday 21 March 2011 19:02

# 50 i love that picture its fkin pissin me off

By Zomg_Okay | 26

#2212417 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:37

Was the dog aware you were in danger? Mine goes off the handle if someone he knows is in danger - but not if he doesn't realise we're in danger.

nikki9tails | 3

#2212728 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:32

I was thinking the same thing if they were casually talking or I guess casually getting mugged I don't think they would notice danger. sorry to hear that Op

By AlienX_fml | 0

#2212456 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:45

I usually bring an apple when i mug people. Just in case they have a dog.

anonymous595 | 0

#2212608 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:13

hahaha :-D mee too!!:-o

freakin_rican96 | 0

#2213066 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:28

hahahahaha that's MADD....I mean angry true!

NCR | 0

#2214477 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:54

win

By MyNameIsntFalco | 3

#2212460 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:46

Not surprised, he must of made that agreement earlier with the dog.

By wisericky | 12

#2212467 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:47

dress up in an apple outfit and your dog will be super loyal, or try to eat you...

chlobo13 | 0

#2212639 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:19

win. xD

SmallyBigs | 9

#2213400 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:55

11 and 25's default.... boneriffic.

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2214002 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:16

25, holy crap, you got a little(big) somethin' on you chest! those are freaking huge!

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2214010 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:18

25, you got a little(big) somethin' on your chest! those are freaking huge!

SmallyBigs | 9

#2214023 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:21

That's a nice pair of apples...

chlobo13 | 0

#2214355 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:24

woww guys haha I like tht word "boneriffic". Nice ring to it. xD