Miscellaneous: Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML - FML

By macguy - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

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Commando

Tidy your room

Sweet dude

By Not Homeless - United States - Montclair

Today, as I was riding my bike home from school, I saw a homeless man sitting on a bench. I was about to walk up to him and give him money, but before I could do anything my mother walked up and kissed him. My mom is dating this guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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By oddgrrl99 - United States - Portage

Addicted

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

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By Connor - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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By shorty - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

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By embarrassedmom - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

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By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

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By shanson - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

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By FatalxDesire599 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Influencers

Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

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By Apissedoffguy - United States - Brockton

Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

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By adamclmns - United States

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

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By heartless - United States

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By unsuckable - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

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By meteorbabe0101 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

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By LearnToLive

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous

It is free

Today, I've decided to pay for sex. Stopped at a hooker and asked how much would it cost for a blowjob. Apparently she was a boy and told me: "If you suck my penis first, it is free". FML

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By pumboc - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

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By annoying - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

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By thanksmom - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

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By Carpet cleaner - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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By dramateach11 - United States

Today, I was trying to get drama students to attempt to make themselves cry. I was not having any luck, until suddenly a girl burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. I jumped up to applaud, saying what a wonderful thing it is to have such expressive kids. Turns out her grandma just died. FML

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By Blanche Dubois - United States - Birmingham

Today, after finally breaking my addiction to sleeping pills, right as I was drifting off to sleep at my first decent drug-free time in over 4 years... I got the hiccups. FML

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By some things never change - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

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By StratMan - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

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By Brrrb - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By Farterella

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

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By WhyTheFNot - United States

Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn't quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML

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Top comments

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6704580 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:34

I bet you're not lovin' it

By J352SAURUS | 30

#6704577 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:25

Well that's not a very happy meal. What a McJerk. People will steal anything, I swear. Sorry about that OP.

COMMENTS

By noamoa9 | 20

#6704572 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:10

desperate times call for desperate measures

Reply

nonsensical | 26

#6704609 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:08

Yeah you've got to be desperate to steal some McDonald's, of all things.

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6704574 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:15

Hungry people gotta eat.

Reply

cuz803 | 31

#6704810 - Saturday 22 October 2016 1:13

stealing ain't the right way to get it

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6709172 - Friday 4 November 2016 5:46

Sounds like they were desperate.

By fit_girl_swag | 12

#6704576 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:24

At least they only took your Big Mac! I'd consider that a pretty damn good day haha

Reply

syki | 22

#6704660 - Friday 21 October 2016 16:27

Could've been worse. Could've been a McGangbang.

Reply

Dilexar | 26

#6704847 - Saturday 22 October 2016 4:19

i love how this reply got more likes than the original comment XD

Reply

132ikl | 11

#6706607 - Thursday 27 October 2016 5:26

ecks dee!

By J352SAURUS | 30

#6704577 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:25

Well that's not a very happy meal. What a McJerk. People will steal anything, I swear. Sorry about that OP.

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6704580 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:34

I bet you're not lovin' it

Reply

Deadpixelator | 10

#6704951 - Saturday 22 October 2016 15:32

Haha

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6704581 - Friday 21 October 2016 12:40

The Hamburglar strikes again.

By RichardPencil | 29

#6704602 - Friday 21 October 2016 13:52

Lettuce assume you were pretty cheesed about that! May the culprit gets taken away in the pattie wagon to jail where he gets pickles and special sauce between his bums!

Reply

Stripez234 | 16

#6704797 - Saturday 22 October 2016 0:11

Between his what? Please tell me, the suspense is killing me!

Reply

voncrane | 23

#6704891 - Saturday 22 October 2016 9:41

Buns

By Cow_Girl_Lilly | 24

#6704603 - Friday 21 October 2016 13:53

I would mug someone for their Big Mac..... Sorry bud

By Soninuva | 41

#6704604 - Friday 21 October 2016 13:56

The Hamburglar is at at it again!

By cuz803 | 31

#6704617 - Friday 21 October 2016 14:18

What a Mcasshole