Miscellaneous: Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready...

By Username - 04/04/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 268

You deserved it 44 441

Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Must be one hell of a novel

Scarcity

By roidrager - 16/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 391

You deserved it 3 057

By jc2011 - 25/09/2011 07:23 - Australia

Today, after months of grueling training and countless early mornings, I finally began the race I had been preparing for over the past year, only to slip and break my leg in the first 450 meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 221

You deserved it 3 027

By Raaaaage - 22/07/2012 06:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 049

You deserved it 2 127

By PickedOnByDamien - 02/10/2013 08:12 - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 394

You deserved it 54 789

The reflex, flex flex flex flex

By Flyaway - 21/03/2021 11:56 - Australia - Rhodes

Today, a fly landed on my dentist's arm. The same arm and hand holding the needle inserted into my gum. He instinctively tried to shake it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 004

You deserved it 45

By yellowthumb - 03/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 500

You deserved it 553

By Unluckiest Guy of the group - 28/09/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 686

You deserved it 4 951

By cdestarac - 10/01/2012 06:07 - United States

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 141

You deserved it 37 688

By ripped off and blown out - 08/06/2017 00:00

Today, I was driving to visit my parents for the first time in two years. After spending about $4000 to make sure my car wouldn't break down on the journey, around the halfway point, the front tire popped and the engine blew out. I'm about 5 states away from both my parents and my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 654

You deserved it 474

By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - 02/07/2016 02:37 - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 787

You deserved it 975

By notgay - 12/02/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 511

You deserved it 38 926

Look up here

By Cody - 06/07/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, during my shift at a restaurant, my boss's daughter came in. I couldn't help but notice that she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her, my boss took me aside and said, "My daughter's got eyes you know, not just a pair of tits". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 900

You deserved it 53 685

By facebookdeception - 31/10/2014 04:25 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that the girl on Facebook that helped me out of my sadness after my break-up and who I'd hopelessly fallen in love with was just a prank by my ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 137

You deserved it 4 486

By Me myself & I - 19/04/2016 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 763

You deserved it 2 012

By Kfeaaa - 24/02/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 890

You deserved it 7 552

By helplesssssss - 07/08/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 065

You deserved it 15 131

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 18:50 - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 883

You deserved it 6 278

By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 631

You deserved it 46 107

By mybad7 - 15/09/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 899

You deserved it 34 428

By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 03:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 692

You deserved it 8 592

By jennabean - 12/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 814

You deserved it 4 599

By kennedygeeee - 08/09/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 175

You deserved it 2 635

By collegekidproblems - 30/06/2016 19:35 - United States

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 493

You deserved it 929

By No Job - 01/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 325

You deserved it 30 517

By worriedman - 03/07/2015 15:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 011

You deserved it 2 126

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 04:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 883

You deserved it 2 673

By Anonymous - 08/10/2013 16:04 - United States

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 104

You deserved it 3 207

By Anonymous - 16/04/2018 19:00

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 802

You deserved it 247

Wake up

By Anonymous - 24/06/2017 03:30 - India - Vijayawada

Today, it's my roommate's birthday. His friends were planning on a surprise birthday cake at midnight last night, and one of them told me about it, hoping to split the expense between us, which I was totally cool with. But I fell asleep before midnight and they didn't even bother to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 422

You deserved it 993

The Destroyer

By mr_p - 03/12/2010 15:30 - United States

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 159

You deserved it 3 609

By kelscait - 01/07/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 960

You deserved it 57 223

By TheBaconater - 03/02/2013 16:22 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 602

You deserved it 2 225

By Anonymous - 21/05/2018 15:00

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 316

You deserved it 307

Shake, rattle, and roll

By goddamn idiots - 29/10/2021 08:01 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I’m sitting in the ER pissed off at my teenage sons. They’re both violently ill from doing a shot contest to see who could drink the most. Alcohol poisoning? Nope. Caffeine overdose. They lost track of how many shots of espresso they were doing before they started puking and shaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 135

By Shenza - 17/06/2012 12:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 791

You deserved it 3 008

By unemployed - 31/05/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 727

You deserved it 2 688

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 18:51 - Norway - Bergen

Today, like every day, I woke up at 3 in the morning because my roommate needs "a three hour warning" before his real alarm goes off. His alarm is a constant beeping noise which he always ignores for a good 10 minutes before finally getting up and turning it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 310

You deserved it 3 052

By Kira - 24/04/2015 17:09 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 877

You deserved it 13 516

Pissed

By kkmirw - 14/10/2019 05:00

Today, a colostomy bag exploded on me while I was waiting in line at the pharmacy. Yesterday, my shoes were peed on by a child while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 95

My dear neighbor

By Anonymous - 22/02/2020 18:00

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 211

You deserved it 124

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Top comments

GaryMuzz 4

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:01

how about you man up and wake up on your own?

Tuesdays76 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:02

Well GOOD MORNING! Why drink coffee when you can get smacked in the face with a Night Stand?

48Connor 10

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Monday 4 April 2011 22:59

Wow that kindof sucks

khaya 9

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:04

I keep a small child in a cage and it sings when the sun rises. Highly recommended.

OCDC 9

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:10

How do you get them to sing?! Mine just whines...

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:53

Maybe OP is 12 :O

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:13

Choir kids. Duuuhh. It's not rocket science, people!

max_wilder 9

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:19

haha a smashing story

franniedottp 8

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:20

wiiiiiin

khaya 9

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:28

I keep a small child in a cage and it sings when the sun rises, a highly recommended form of alarm.

mintcar 9

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:06

Where can I get one of these children?

mintcar 9

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:06

Where can I get one of these children?

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:23

26 I saw what you did there

ydi_4_suking 20

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:30

these children are available anywhere...as long as noone sees you getting such a child

ThankMeLater 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:43

hahaha!

khaya 9

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:47

These children can be lured into the cage with the promise of candy.

Bravo11 14

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:54

Or a lost puppy.

khaya 9

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:07

Or both

impregnator 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:07

faceplant

ydi_4_suking 20

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:26

or they can have all the change in your pocket but they have to reach in and get it

IStoleTheCookies 16

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:21

^ Lol

chuckychan 8

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 3:53

WAIT I DONT GET IT

T3P33_fml 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 8:37

I tried but I never could resist, I always used them before morning...

poiuytjfffc 0

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Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:29

bet that got u up

GaryMuzz 4

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:01

how about you man up and wake up on your own?

Po1ntBlank 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:23

how about you grow up and mind your own business

Adamantoise 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 1:41

...mind your own business? On FML?

calley123 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:04

bahahahahah! exactly! made my evening. thanks :)

khaya 9

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:50

Your picture looks like you're being violated.

a_cassie 4

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:29

haha 96! & 106! :D

epyk_pryncess 8

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 5:36

someone break out the incest by little brother jokes...

grudgeholder 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:51

calley ur hot;)

T3P33_fml 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 8:39

hmm, #4's pic is strange... it's like opposite's day!

MushyLuvsU 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:33

School's are totally messed up. You have to go to school for 6 hours every day, they give you crazy ammounts of homework that you stay up late to finish and expect you to have a life, do things you actually LIKE to do ( like dance class) sleep for 9-10 hours (recommended time for teenagers) and get up at 5 am? It's sick.

AznsGoesRawr 0

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Wednesday 6 April 2011 11:59

That's not really sick. That's pretty much every students' life including exams, jobs, scholarship qualifications to meet, families to take care of, etc. It's not only Asians. And, usually majority of students don't have money or don't eat till they get home from school.

katie72 6

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Monday 12 September 2011 1:00

Yeah, us north american teens really have it rough

qbkilla55 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:00

YDI, learn to wake up lol. but i dont blame u. i do tha same thang

Banana_Pancakes6 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:26

Shoulda had a V8

notsocrazee 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:41

*clunk*

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:25

lolcats

Jdgaf 3

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:33

You can't insult him and agree with him at the same time...

klonopin_ftw 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 5:27

yes you can. it's the Internet.

JoeMarie1996 13

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 6:49

that will wake ya up in the morning dx my mom throws water at me if I'm not awake when she comes in for the second time.. sucks..

falluke17 0

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 20:04

ydi for being from kansas

Mindtrap 0

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Wednesday 6 April 2011 1:39

127 win come on you know you guys have done it before too :P

mozeltov 7

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Friday 8 April 2011 1:55

that's a lie

fmlikecrazy 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:02

on the bright side: I'm sure that woke you up :P

rebekahah 7

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:03

well wake up, OP!

rebekahah 7

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:06

8- hmm... maybe I'll try that. ;)

Sirin_fml 46

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:13

...

pandabeargirl89 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:21

Something about this website makes people talk to themselves.

rebekahah 7

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:24

lol lemme explain! someone's comment earlier was #8, but it was moderated and removed. :) so I think FML bumped me down or something. I'm not sure. :S I just know I wasn't #8 earlier. :D

Sirin_fml 46

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:26

@20: You suck. Get a life and stop abusing ellipses.

rebekahah 7

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:31

37 haha. ;)

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:52

Hooray for crazy people!! (^_^)/

khaya 9

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:30

Hooray indeed, side note does anyone else see that biscuit floating next to superman.

rebekahah 7

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:21

103 yeah I see it. I wanna pick it up, but I think that's his lunch.

Tuesdays76 0

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Monday 4 April 2011 23:02

Well GOOD MORNING! Why drink coffee when you can get smacked in the face with a Night Stand?

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:33

lol that would be a good commercial for a furniture store

IStoleTheCookies 16

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 2:24

LOL I agree. That is hilarious.

darkmis1 17

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 3:25

I can totally see that! Or on one of those stupid little infomercials that sell ridiculous things. "* in peppy voice* Why need all that caffeine when you can wake up with a night stand smack?! Just one hard blow and you're good to go!" *caution: may cause head trauma, bleeding, or death. In case of your death, you should contact emergency right away. No refunds.

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:18

111 that's exactly what I thought except you for this *In peppy voice* not responsible for accidental death.

FMLsOhilarious 6

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 5:24

Lmao, that actually made me laugh. That was a good one :)

epyk_pryncess 8

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 5:38

but you need the mile long list of side effects like any other commercial. ya know, the ones which make you realize you'd rather deal with your runny nose than anal seepage...