Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend gave me a squeaky dog toy... - FML

By rupture-imminente - 12/7/2017 21:00 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend gave me a squeaky dog toy because "I don't know why, but it made me think of you." FML

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Great boyfriend

Everyone's an expert

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 31/3/2020 05:00

Afterthought

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he never thought we had a future together. He just wanted to move in together so he could get "cheaper rent for a while." FML

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By thatonekid - 6/5/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my dad texted me and told me "I love u." I answer back with "I love you too dad...are you drunk?" and he answers back "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

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By comeonnow - 25/9/2016 18:53 - United States - Coldwater

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

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By Chris - 23/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

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By Jake Whitte - 6/6/2011 13:50 - United States

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

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By - 23/2/2020 20:00

That's a mother

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. At the end of the night I got a cab ride home. I must have passed out because when I woke up I wasn’t at my place, but my parent’s house, which is the address on my license…120 miles away. The fare was $220. FML

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By SchoolSucks - 19/2/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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By Cinderella - 9/7/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By brebre101 - 31/7/2011 09:05 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

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By NoFriends - 2/8/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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By "Lifefail887" - 4/7/2017 18:30

Today, after buying a new pair of prescription glasses, I went to the beach. The ocean now has a new pair of glasses. FML

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By Madison Ostermeier - 28/6/2019 12:05

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 01:29 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By steppppphhhhhh - 9/4/2013 08:18 - United States - Pacifica

Today, I got called an "evil Nazi bitch" because I let a customer know that this is the last day our store will have free plastic bags. FML

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By lulumars - 14/6/2015 17:06 - United States

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

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By joedoe - 18/7/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

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By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

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By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By nottoosmall - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By meowmeow - 21/9/2010 04:38 - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By kryan012 - 20/2/2013 13:54 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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By Username - 11/7/2011 17:42 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

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By hopeless - 6/7/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend got a job was so that he could buy weed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2013 03:55 - United States - Redlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

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By Raw - 25/1/2017 14:00

Today, I shoveled snow at work. I had to because my co-workers refused to "get sick." I told my co-workers if anyone needs me, just tell them I'm shoveling snow. Our boss asked for me and they said that I left without punching. This also happened when I went out to water the flowers in the summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 15:32 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

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By TMI - 5/8/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

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By boringhusband - 8/5/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

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By siddance - 4/9/2015 18:08 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had an extreme panic attack in the middle of class. I interrupted another person's presentation, burst into tears, and ran out of class whilst everyone looked at me. FML

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By oh hey there - 20/4/2011 09:27

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

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By distracted - 13/7/2015 13:56 - Australia - Pymble

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

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By miji - 30/10/2018 19:42

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By ... - 27/7/2014 05:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

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By GodDamnFan - 27/5/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

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By TheSublime - 21/10/2009 13:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. She had put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 20:10 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By NotChadKrouger - 11/5/2011 15:19

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

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By HelloItsMee123 - 24/12/2016 05:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7488516 - Wednesday 12 July 2017 21:28

Since you're female, and it's a dog toy, I think he's trying to tell you something, bitch.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7488492 - Wednesday 12 July 2017 21:04

While probably not the best present, it certainly is unique--and let's be honest, squeaky dog toys are awesome regardless of whether you have a dog or not!

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7488492 - Wednesday 12 July 2017 21:04

While probably not the best present, it certainly is unique--and let's be honest, squeaky dog toys are awesome regardless of whether you have a dog or not!

By pjsr | 32

#7488516 - Wednesday 12 July 2017 21:28

Since you're female, and it's a dog toy, I think he's trying to tell you something, bitch.

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7488774 - Thursday 13 July 2017 1:07

I was waiting for a comment like this.

Reply

DavyJoe | 13

#7491517 - Friday 14 July 2017 15:09

"Why can't I get a girlfriend?"

By Regulate | 21

#7488542 - Wednesday 12 July 2017 21:53

....and I can't get a date....

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#7488719 - Thursday 13 July 2017 0:24

Try submitting that as an FML.

By Clive Wakeham | 7

#7488740 - Thursday 13 July 2017 0:43

maybe you should change your sex position..

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#7488875 - Thursday 13 July 2017 2:36

Bad bitch alert ??‍♂️

By Miss_Kate64 | 2

#7489146 - Thursday 13 July 2017 6:13

FYL, but at least your boyfriend remembered your birthday. I'm on day 8....

By Ervinator35 | 25

#7489394 - Thursday 13 July 2017 9:12

Seeing this today, my birthday, made me feel a little better. Haha, happy birthday (probs late but oh well)!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7489436 - Thursday 13 July 2017 9:43

Got it cause he loves you. Nobody buys their pet toys if they don't love them.

By ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7490746 - Friday 14 July 2017 3:23

He is calling you a squeaker. If you play COD ydi, if not fyl.

By Canadian0622 | 17

#7492301 - Saturday 15 July 2017 7:02

My boyfriend gave me a mechanical pencil and multiple used erasers for my birthday this year. He said "It's practical because you work all the time."