Miscellaneous: Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 14

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 126

23/09/2011 16:50

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 024

You deserved it 2 358

Miscellaneous

Age difference

Empathy lives

A tad unfair

03/08/2013 17:59

Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 773

You deserved it 4 276

15/07/2010 09:17

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 735

You deserved it 28 040

09/04/2018 13:00

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 155

You deserved it 411

01/06/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 112

03/03/2019 12:00

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 513

You deserved it 173

08/11/2010 09:04

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 332

You deserved it 25 765

13/07/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 616

You deserved it 221

12/03/2010 16:39

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 762

You deserved it 35 914

24/10/2012 01:19

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 756

You deserved it 3 067

04/08/2013 16:53

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 738

You deserved it 8 854

I get around

By Permafucked - 12/05/2009 14:23

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 871

You deserved it 85 398

13/07/2009 02:30

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 081

You deserved it 21 642

22/04/2016 00:30

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 578

You deserved it 1 740

Ex-Lax Time

By savagepixie - 01/06/2019 14:09

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, and he thought it would be funny to steal my ring and "pretend" to swallow it. I tried to get it back, but unfortunately I "surprised" him. He reckons I'll get it back some time tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 206

Blocking time

By tommyboy783 - 20/10/2011 01:38

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 087

You deserved it 66 538

01/08/2014 23:10

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 996

You deserved it 12 761

02/11/2010 14:20

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 819

You deserved it 6 414

03/12/2009 05:59

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 273

You deserved it 3 856

22/07/2009 16:43

Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 599

You deserved it 62 001

02/02/2015 17:38

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 838

You deserved it 3 238

29/06/2018 19:00

Today, the ex of my boyfriend of 18 months called me and put her phone in her purse. I heard my boyfriend say he's sick of me, he hasn't been happy for a year, and he's afraid to leave because he feels sorry for me. He bought her a ring. I got earrings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 440

You deserved it 330

02/11/2011 13:50

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 454

You deserved it 14 847

16/06/2013 18:11

Today, my boyfriend bought another expensive bong to go with the one he bought last month, along with his new phone, airsoft gun, and various other things he's blown our money on this year. He's bought nothing to prepare for our son, though, who's due next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 194

You deserved it 27 407

07/04/2012 07:04

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 490

You deserved it 5 984

05/07/2012 00:50

Today, I bought a home at a bargain. It will need 5 grand in repairs to fix plumbing and electric, but it's mine. When I pulled up the listing to show pictures to my friends, there was a new listing that was in the same neighborhood, and a larger, nicer house that is move in ready. Same price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 059

You deserved it 5 748

02/06/2011 09:45

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 207

You deserved it 4 759

Spy vs. Spy

By Anonymous - 30/09/2020 05:01

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 140

31/05/2010 15:43

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 127

You deserved it 4 048

15/01/2009 11:43

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 037

You deserved it 23 156

"Destroy me completely, then throw me away"

By calcstudent101 - 25/02/2021 11:03

Today, I was just beginning a calculus exam when my brain thought it was a good time to get stuck on the song "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now that the exam is over, I'm afraid that I can foresee the future through song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 575

You deserved it 124

31/08/2011 07:36

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 322

You deserved it 59 828

17/03/2010 12:48

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 035

You deserved it 28 651

30/12/2015 04:16

Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 357

You deserved it 2 011

21/05/2016 21:55

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 820

You deserved it 1 510

15/10/2012 22:09

Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 700

You deserved it 1 750

28/10/2010 12:07

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 862

You deserved it 4 597

30/06/2013 04:21

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 369

You deserved it 3 594

Shove it, lady

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 13:58

Today, my neighbor complained that the trailers and sheds in my yard are ruining her view. The same neighbor who built her house right above my property, thereby ruining my view, and leaving not even enough space for a hedge in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 68

26/10/2012 16:17

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 308

You deserved it 3 324

31/12/2009 00:03

Today, I went to egg my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding out he cheated on me. I covered his house and car with eggs, toilet paper, and silly string. When I went to get back in my car, my keys were locked inside, the alarm went off, and my ex walked outside, with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 772

You deserved it 56 279

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Top comments

trollsemen 8

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:27

Sooo.... What's your gamertag??

WCARlover 34

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:31

Wow, another sucky father FML...did he buy you cigarettes when you were 15 too?

Comments

joecelticsballa 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:23

Tell him to F off and hide it

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:39

^You have to if they mess with your xbox.

chell1894 13

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:49

Xbox, mans best friend.

chell1894 13

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:50

And 9 I know plenty of fathers that *raised* their child that deserve a fuck off.

xoconnie 8

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:51

LOL burn. sorry dude, thats quite sad.

flamerocker 9

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:54

Tell him you sold it for a PS3. That way, if he does visit you, it will be for you!

jacob12311 4

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:30

18 you put words in " " not * *, where did you learn how to type sarcastic????

chell1894 13

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Saturday 24 September 2011 3:01

It's called a typo. Chill

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 24 September 2011 7:20

1- Why would you hide it after telling him to F off. The reasoning behind telling him that is so you get to keep it and play it.

lolwutsameme 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 19:21

33- incorrect grammar, proper way to say that would be "sarcastically."

trollsemen 8

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:27

Sooo.... What's your gamertag??

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:43

jccwell?

kickazz16 15

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:12

Chucknorrisisadinosaurhunter :)

Ricky23J 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 4:59

S0 FI2ESH 23

hailphire130 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 5:52

There's a 20% chance that it's XxXSniperzzzXxX.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 24 September 2011 5:58

I would've marked an x on a cardboard box and given it to him.

RebekahBrooke 9

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:27

Aww wow that's really sad. :(

brutuka 2

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:44

U comment on alot of fmls

FuttBuck 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 3:00

I'd tap you.

JustinComments 3

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Saturday 24 September 2011 3:29

You two, tuck your boners... she's like 15

RebekahBrooke 9

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Saturday 24 September 2011 4:06

You can't spell. You creep me out. And thank you!

iMagzzzy 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 16:32

You know that you only get likes because of your picture.

SneakherHead 5

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Saturday 24 September 2011 17:48

I liked your comment because of your picture Wendy

NagatoPain 4

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Saturday 24 September 2011 20:30

63 I disliked your comment cause your acting like some smartass here on FML!

RebekahBrooke 9

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Sunday 25 September 2011 0:37

So am I not supposed to have a picture of myself? :/

FuttBuck 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:43

Yeah, looks like some people can't take a joke. I'm 16, I'll "tuck my boner"

KYLEW72 3

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Friday 29 June 2012 5:43

Hey

twofirstnames 12

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:29

Join him..

WCARlover 34

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:31

Wow, another sucky father FML...did he buy you cigarettes when you were 15 too?

kaileb 7

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:32

Haha great dad bro

marpay 11

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:34

Play together. That would be more fun than letting it get you down.

Kethbad_fml 2

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:04

This! And if the matriarch ever comes along to pick him up, send her straight to the kitchen... I Indeed, wars make people hungry. xD

RabidBunny 10

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:34

I know people are going to hate but I prefer PS3...let the flames begin

kidwiththeface42 7

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:36

Have a nice friendly 1v1 with him. Umad dad?

GasMaskKid13 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:37

Gamertag: Xx_Ass-Of-A-Dad_xX

lena6310 0

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:02

I lol'd