By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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1342

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The smell detective is on the case

For the life of him indeed

That's what a druggie would claim

By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

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5788

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By CurseYouSonyaLee - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

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40158

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By Karl

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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34644

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By orangechicken - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

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24781

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By SadMan - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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32344

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By optimistic2628 - United States

Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

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37943

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By BadLuckBetty - United States - Millville

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

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15922

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1529

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By josh - United States

Today, I found out that I had my first born child. It's a boy. I found out on facebook. FML

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50613

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15254

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By Originality18 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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51307

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7829

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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32463

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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27566

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By Kramer - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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13604

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By AnatomyLecture

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

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6758

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640

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By asparagus piss - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

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26656

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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30057

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By Bechara - Pakistan

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend "Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

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62441

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4502

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By Brock - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

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26421

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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58106

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By Username - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

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42227

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

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28257

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By T.T - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée broke up with me because of an argument about a printer. FML

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35790

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6101

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By XoXonedirectionXoXo - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I fell asleep while on the toilet at work. When I woke up, I tried to quietly sneak back to my desk, only to be caught by my boss. He immediately sent me packing and gave his "best wishes" for me in the unemployment line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11209

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By violatedbuttcrack - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

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56104

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

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15485

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1802

You deserved it

165

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By Dr_JF - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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23392

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

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24676

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By Lucas - 14/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Smells like victory

Today, during oral sex, my wife squirted, which she’s never done before, and I was so surprised I accidentally breathed it straight up my nose. It’s been 3 hours and it’s still all I can smell FML

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1059

You deserved it

326

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By dwellswithin - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

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52386

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By KMack - United States

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41725

You deserved it

3702

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By becca - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8353

You deserved it

39244

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By yikes78 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45635

You deserved it

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By Nator - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

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46074

You deserved it

5112

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By wowza - United States

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29410

You deserved it

2457

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By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1676

You deserved it

301

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

I agree, your life sucks

17937

You deserved it

39785

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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14718

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 17:01

Shocking

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1187

You deserved it

205

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By yellowthumb

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4477

You deserved it

550

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#7927973 - Monday 3 August 2020 8:51

Father of the year award material right there

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7928175 - Tuesday 4 August 2020 0:25

I’m so sorry.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7927952 - Monday 3 August 2020 8:21

You probably don't want to know the real reason.

By worldclassrager | 39

#7927973 - Monday 3 August 2020 8:51

Father of the year award material right there

By bluemaskedarrow | 3

#7928041 - Monday 3 August 2020 14:20

I know how that feels

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7928175 - Tuesday 4 August 2020 0:25

I’m so sorry.