Miscellaneous: Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking...

By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dementia or hate? You decide

The one with the asshole friend

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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25392

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By me - United States

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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9298

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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58690

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By dEpPrEsSeDgIrL - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean my 20 gallon fish tank. I had 6 fish. One of them was called a transparent fish, clear with a bright orange tail, which was my favorite. My dad didn't see it, and dumped the water out along with it. FML

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35808

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By Username - United States

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

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37349

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By weedvocate

All in the Family

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

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1661

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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1731

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By AudreyUs - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML

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30339

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By VeeDubDisaster - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

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By ihatemondays - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

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19584

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By Tommy - United States

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14739

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 08:01

Squatters' rights

Today, I had the best date I've had in my life, until after we ate and split an expensive dinner out, we came back to my place and she then told me she was homeless, and wasn't looking to date but for a couch to crash on. She won't leave. Happy fucking New Year. FML

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1223

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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32562

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By signupsheetfail - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

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21783

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By SmittyJA24 - United States - Lewiston

Today, my idiot sister had to have her aged dog put down, then she posts on MY Facebook page, "RIP, Buddy, we'll miss you." My adult children and most of my friends thought I died. FML

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48682

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By fmT719 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

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23525

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

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43929

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By kimosabe - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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51826

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By Fractured - United States

Today, I fractured a bone in my knee. Now not only do I have to wear a huge knee brace for the next two months, I'll have to sit around in a hotel room all of next week while my family has fun skiing in the mountains. FML

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26198

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By Taraa3 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

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25080

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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39508

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By imsorrytimmy - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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26895

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

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25367

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

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40271

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

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32536

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By Anonymous - Canada - Moncton

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

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22496

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By lily

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1466

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173

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By Discouraged - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my brother admitted that he decides whether he will date a girl or not based on the number of likes she gets on her selfies. We share the same blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34529

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3492

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn't. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. FML

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75709

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By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31759

You deserved it

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By thanks, dad... - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

43032

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34365

You deserved it

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By nthor - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14655

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By HunkyFez - 28/8/2020 08:06 - Australia

Dad joke number 287474

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1622

You deserved it

225

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By Marcus

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2240

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By Username

Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1753

You deserved it

240

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34723

You deserved it

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By Greenskies - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

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Top comments

By FrutLoopDingus | 19

#6305717 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:45

You young whippersnappers shouldn't be that close anyways

By thewcloner | 22

#6305718 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:45

Maybe they were killer plants?

COMMENTS

By FrutLoopDingus | 19

#6305717 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:45

You young whippersnappers shouldn't be that close anyways

FrootLoopDingus | 4

#6306294 - Sunday 31 May 2015 7:50

We have an imposter in our mist.

friedpwnadge | 25

#6306559 - Sunday 31 May 2015 16:51

This is a police matter. OP was assaulted and their phone could have gotten wet as well.

FrutLoopDingus | 19

#6306615 - Sunday 31 May 2015 18:19

I was here first I just choose to spell my name this way

By thewcloner | 22

#6305718 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:45

Maybe they were killer plants?

hippodankamus | 22

#6305726 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:46

Yeah, maybe they were deadly piranha plants and she was protecting OP.

thewcloner | 22

#6305737 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:50

Exactly

Zufallian | 34

#6305741 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:51

I think the only deadly thing is the women that sprayed OP.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6305969 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:27

Triffids?

Allornone | 35

#6306143 - Sunday 31 May 2015 5:04

feed me, Seymour.

By udderbutter | 15

#6305719 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:46

Next time you see her in her front lawn spray her with your hose

tantanpanda | 26

#6305780 - Saturday 30 May 2015 20:25

nah, just start ripping up her plants. you're already wet anyway, might as well.

AnalAssassin1 | 14

#6305837 - Saturday 30 May 2015 21:55

What she did was assault lol. You can't just spray people with water...

whyusofat | 17

#6306082 - Sunday 31 May 2015 3:26

So what your saying is rain is basically illegal then?

logicnazi | 18

#6306287 - Sunday 31 May 2015 7:41

Take it from AnalAssassin. I'm guessing he knows plenty about assault.
Seriously though he's not wrong.

By TheSgLeader | 21

#6305720 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:46

Wow, what a thick-headed neighbor you have. I hope you got to change your clothes right away. FYL

By chronicB | 19

#6305722 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:46

did you need a watering?

By tormcn | 26

#6305725 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:46

She might not be able to see you well, and thought you were closer than the side walk.

lolhailsatan | 23

#6305796 - Saturday 30 May 2015 20:40

still no reason to reason to spray your neighbor with a hose lol

RedPillSucks | 31

#6305833 - Saturday 30 May 2015 21:45

she could see well enough to accurately spray him

By albinoturk | 9

#6305727 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:46

Pee on her to show dominance

hasooon | 24

#6305952 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:15

Tried and did work. Now i have larger territory and a black eye.

By danielhartlesss | 13

#6305733 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:47

So retaliate by ripping up her plants

DFMLharsh | 20

#6305767 - Saturday 30 May 2015 20:05

^ Mojo-jo spotted. You're evil >.

DFMLharsh | 20

#6305778 - Saturday 30 May 2015 20:23

*Mojo-Jojo, I meant!

By xoragebaby | 17

#6305735 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:48

Talk about attachment issues to those plants, crazy neighbor needs a new hobby.

sonasonic | 34

#6306448 - Sunday 31 May 2015 13:59

I hear crazy cat ladies are in season this year.

By jerome74 | 1

#6305738 - Saturday 30 May 2015 19:50

her vision might be going

sonasonic | 34

#6306449 - Sunday 31 May 2015 14:00

So is her sanity.