By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Revelations

Kids will be kids

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. FML

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By Rowden - Australia

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

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By kayin - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

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By RYZILLAHitZ - United States

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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By ChevRooon - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

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By CutieBooty - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Cervignano Del Friuli

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

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By ugh Buck! - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

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By anona - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML

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By Wellfu - Europe

Today, I was let go from my internship for "not putting in enough effort". I was working 50 hours a week for almost zero pay. FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By jane smith - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. FML

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By homewrecker - United States

Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML

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By OPforonepiece - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

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By ishouldhavebeenbornrich

Today, at work, a man wanted to buy a garden hose which came up on the till as £1.99. He said that it was wrong and that it should be £1.89, so he then demanded that I called someone down to set it right. He held 20 customers up for 15 minutes to get 10p off a garden hose. FML

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By TLT - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By MJjunior - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By frownyface - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

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By Brooke - United States

Freak out

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By dadsadipshit - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

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By jshum - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

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By Idiot32

Today, I saw my dad driving our red Dakota, and I thought it would be funny to tail him around town. It wasn't until I saw cop lights flashing in my rear-view mirror that I remembered that we'd given away our red truck. I'd scared an old lady so badly that she called the police. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 18/5/2020 23:00

Bunged up

Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

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By dear god help me. - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

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By jerrid - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By getting real crafty.. - United States - Sanford

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By jacey chreyest - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

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By someone - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By WillaminaL - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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Top comments

By tsim_fml | 0

#3025512 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Your dads the shit.

By hollyman | 0

#3025507 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:05

Hahahhahaha owed by your father!!!!!!!!

COMMENTS

By hollyman | 0

#3025507 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:05

Hahahhahaha owed by your father!!!!!!!!

Reply

pepsilove_fml | 4

#3025582 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:11

hahaha sucha badass dad x)

Reply

NastyNinja31 | 0

#3025754 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:40

Nothin like free peas

Reply

theten_fml | 9

#3025770 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:44

is tip toeing really necessary?

Reply

flockz | 19

#3025820 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:52

yes the crunch of blades of grass is unmistakable. he must tiptoe if he wants to achieve ninja pea stealer status.

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3025858 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:56

Put the pee back in her garden

Reply

flockz | 19

#3025881 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:58

i left my pee in the pool

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3025903 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

i bet your dad was thinking "i got a pea! i got a pea!" in his mind while tiptoeing back ;D

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3026076 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:49

Your father sounds cheap instead of robbing banks he steals peas from old ladies

Reply

theindr3dhulk | 2

#3026127 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:06

Hahahaha.......wowsers this is a classic FML already. Everytime i read it i get a vision of your pops chuckling while he leaves the garden LOL, priceless.

Reply

nateiztite | 5

#3026132 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:08

i dont think your dad loves you that much

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3026136 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:09

Well go get it flockz she wants her pee back!

Reply

hollyman | 0

#3026256 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:46

Ikr the grass would completely give him away the vision is hillerious hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3026307 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:54

Looks like you're having the time of your life. ^

Reply

DaRealMrMurphy | 0

#3026473 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

mintcar | 9

#3026535 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:57

This sounds exactly like something Peter would do.
Poor Meg.

Reply

lydia_is_gayyy | 1

#3026572 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:07

I'd hate to be neighbors with Randy Johnson

Reply

glompable | 19

#3026641 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:23

Now I just have the image of Peter and Meg with this story, hahaha

Reply

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3026678 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:31

110-Cool story bro. Tell it again.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3026845 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:57

Sounds like you took her apples too. lol.

Reply

FuckingRednecks | 3

#3027015 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:25

Lol :p

Reply

FuckingRednecks | 3

#3027034 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:28

:D

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3027161 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:59

An apple a day keeps the peas and quiet away.

Reply

changesinme | 0

#3027231 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:13

ah those apples are gonna cost more than peas, she should throw peas instead

Reply

daysgoby902 | 6

#3027436 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:46

I'm sorry you were hit with apples but your dad sounds like he's a pretty cool guy

Reply

chuckychan | 8

#3027490 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:57

your dads smart. Free peas. Doesn't get in trouble with it. and free apples.

Reply

Laners561769 | 9

#3027544 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:10

Sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West, The Cowardly Lion, and Dorothy have made there bizzare return... you being dorothy. Sorry, OP.

Reply

ItsTheKing | 10

#3027779 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:03

I can imagine op's father tiptoeing with his pwnd face on. Lil

Reply

Drigr | 9

#3027807 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:13

I want what 110 is on. sounds like a fun trip.

Reply

Jvr91 | 8

#3028382 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:04

Thug life

Reply

Friaza | 29

#3031835 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:19

Just wait till she calms down and apologize. Then politely throw coconuts at her.

By sarabraun8 | 7

#3025510 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:05

hahaha

Reply

Dispute | 3

#3027698 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:47

Maybe he went to the supermarket and bought peas, and than took a short cut through the backyard. Just a though.

Reply

davex | 0

#3027764 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:00

I guess OP took one for the team. Don't worry OP, today you tomorrow him.

Reply

Gourmet_Taco | 0

#3028692 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 11:38

hahaha

Reply

imustbeinsane | 2

#3028902 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 12:34

apple doesnt fall far from the tree, shes just avenging future peas

Reply

Smokingweenies | 3

#3034263 - Thursday 4 August 2011 4:52

I can see a gif of that with the dad having a troll face XD

By tsim_fml | 0

#3025512 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Your dads the shit.

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3025976 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:24

Yea he just got your family a bunch of free peas now you're getting free apples!

Reply

hoodasswhitekid | 0

#3026045 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:44

nah man, he's the piss

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3026138 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:09

^^ lol 69

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#3026270 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:47

He sure does know how to support a family!!

Reply

iGuitarKid | 0

#3026385 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:20

your pretty :)

Reply

fymother | 13

#3026622 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:21

kick him in the ass the next time he takes a pea.

Reply

miraggg | 1

#3026696 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:34

He's gotta have his peas

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3026927 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:11

Haha 69 likes!

Reply

R34luver | 5

#3027226 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:13

omg u guys are so immature with all the damn 69 jokes! you worse the the creeper perv at my skool who does the same thing xP

Reply

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3027957 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 9:00

164-Cool story bro. Tell it again.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3030262 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 17:34

It's 165 bro. And i would like to hear it again, it sounds like me.

By sxe_beast | 11

#3025521 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

WOW, lol! FYL, but this is hilarious.

Reply

oboewhore_xD | 6

#3025894 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

OMG.
D:

your profile picture. my eyes. FML

Reply

daydreamer244 | 13

#3026189 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:27

tht profile pic is just...........disturbing.

Reply

sxe_beast | 11

#3026203 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:31

I get so many comments on my profile picture, lol. I use it on a few other websites too. That's kind of the point of it... to be disturbing. Haha! :D

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3026295 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:52

There's a good message behind that picture.

Reply

Lstands4LOSER | 0

#3027377 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:38

95- Always properly groom your mustache hair?

Reply

CyonideCyns | 0

#3027854 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:32

Its completely shopped, how can you not tell?

Reply

sxe_beast | 11

#3029296 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 14:51

@Cyonide - That's not the point. Its one of the new proposed cigarette warning labels (in America). Look them up.

By jeob1992 | 8

#3025523 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

old... you moved quick

Reply

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3026568 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:06

Is this some kind of poetry???

Reply

AyeeArieel | 5

#3026756 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:45

yeahh wat thee hell is tht supposeed to mean?

Reply

Sonic_boomerang | 5

#3026831 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:54

he meant the op said old he took it as op moved thus being ops old neighbor not old age as the way op meant?

Reply

skylerXx | 6

#3027142 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:55

What the f**k did you just say? You confused me.

Reply

fmlbrooo | 0

#3027804 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:12

You're stupid. That's what it means.

Reply

jeob1992 | 8

#3031710 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:01

it was a joke I understood what op meant

By skylerXx | 6

#3025527 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Haha. Your dad is badass. But who steals peas from someone else's garden? I hope that was for good fun.

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#3026917 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:10

My neighbors come take everything out of my garden, however he is a butcher and sends fresh meat over all the time so I don't mind a bit.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#3027021 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:26

Thats not cool at all, stealing from someone else's garden, no matter what you give in return. The only fresh meat I would accept as equal payment is his wife's.

*not serious* :D

Reply

sara_saturday | 5

#3027718 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:52

you should have told her I'd she keeps chunking apples, next time you'll be leaving pees in her garden

By Monkeyone | 0

#3025530 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

6th!!!!

By agsilver | 14

#3025536 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

"DAMMIT DAD!"

Reply

kevint9911 | 15

#3026894 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:06

Your dad, god dammit.

Reply

Crash_1524 | 0

#3027904 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:48

Aahhh RWJ :) Lmao.

By WCARlover | 34

#3025542 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

haha I love your dad!

Reply

TheGianaJinx | 0

#3027038 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:29

I love her dad too, but I have a thought... Why is OP's dad stealing peas? xD He could have robbed a bank, or mugged the old hag who pelted OP with apples... But no, he stole peas.

Reply

CookieM_fml | 4

#3032192 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:03

Gotta Get Your Veggies

By taytoc | 10

#3025544 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:08

haha take the apples she throws at you and see what happens

Reply

abcgum234 | 0

#3069086 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 7:09

Smart

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#5794163 - Monday 16 December 2013 12:40

Free apples!