By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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Understandable

Risky business

Like riding a bike

By Pratik_ra - 1/12/2020 07:58

Rolling in it

Today, I got raise at work. It's $3 per month. FML

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By NoScrubs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By sammyxoxo - Canada

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

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By ilivehere - United States - Moline

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

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By Mygawdwhy

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By Earplugged - United States - Vancouver

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

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By Evil_Egbert - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

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By Economess - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I realised that I've been working in an all-male environment for too long when my supervisor walked into the canteen visibly scratching his balls, and this seemed like a completely normal occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

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By ccgundum - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

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By Maddie - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

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By JPlays - United States - Henderson

Today, after days of working with a client on plans for a project, I received a message half way through completion saying the deal was off because "my prices were so low it seemed like a scam". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

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By Backed up - United States

I need a suppository

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language: "I need a suppository." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML

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By thammer - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

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By FuckedOver - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML

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By missmcfarty - Australia - Townsville

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

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By asdfas - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I found a website that lets you write an email to yourself from "the past". I used my boss's address, and wrote a long email about how much I hate him, signed from me. It worked, and he'll receive it in 6 months, after I move away. He's already received the confirmation email, though. FML

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By Nanabanana1 - United States

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By gunnerdog - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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By login_eddy - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

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By cplaner - United States

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year old boy. 3 times. FML

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By mitchellcrawford - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

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By beccav23 - United States

He's got the moves

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

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By Rose - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plainview

Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By Redhead4life - United States - Miami

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

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By LonelyCashier

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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Top comments

By tsim_fml | 0

#3025512 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Your dads the shit.

By hollyman | 0

#3025507 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:05

Hahahhahaha owed by your father!!!!!!!!

COMMENTS

By hollyman | 0

#3025507 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:05

Hahahhahaha owed by your father!!!!!!!!

Reply

pepsilove_fml | 4

#3025582 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:11

hahaha sucha badass dad x)

Reply

NastyNinja31 | 0

#3025754 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:40

Nothin like free peas

Reply

theten_fml | 9

#3025770 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:44

is tip toeing really necessary?

Reply

flockz | 19

#3025820 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:52

yes the crunch of blades of grass is unmistakable. he must tiptoe if he wants to achieve ninja pea stealer status.

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3025858 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:56

Put the pee back in her garden

Reply

flockz | 19

#3025881 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:58

i left my pee in the pool

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3025903 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

i bet your dad was thinking "i got a pea! i got a pea!" in his mind while tiptoeing back ;D

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3026076 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:49

Your father sounds cheap instead of robbing banks he steals peas from old ladies

Reply

theindr3dhulk | 2

#3026127 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:06

Hahahaha.......wowsers this is a classic FML already. Everytime i read it i get a vision of your pops chuckling while he leaves the garden LOL, priceless.

Reply

nateiztite | 5

#3026132 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:08

i dont think your dad loves you that much

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3026136 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:09

Well go get it flockz she wants her pee back!

Reply

hollyman | 0

#3026256 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:46

Ikr the grass would completely give him away the vision is hillerious hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3026307 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:54

Looks like you're having the time of your life. ^

Reply

DaRealMrMurphy | 0

#3026473 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

mintcar | 9

#3026535 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:57

This sounds exactly like something Peter would do.
Poor Meg.

Reply

lydia_is_gayyy | 1

#3026572 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:07

I'd hate to be neighbors with Randy Johnson

Reply

glompable | 19

#3026641 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:23

Now I just have the image of Peter and Meg with this story, hahaha

Reply

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3026678 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:31

110-Cool story bro. Tell it again.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3026845 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:57

Sounds like you took her apples too. lol.

Reply

FuckingRednecks | 3

#3027015 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:25

Lol :p

Reply

FuckingRednecks | 3

#3027034 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:28

:D

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3027161 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:59

An apple a day keeps the peas and quiet away.

Reply

changesinme | 0

#3027231 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:13

ah those apples are gonna cost more than peas, she should throw peas instead

Reply

daysgoby902 | 6

#3027436 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:46

I'm sorry you were hit with apples but your dad sounds like he's a pretty cool guy

Reply

chuckychan | 8

#3027490 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:57

your dads smart. Free peas. Doesn't get in trouble with it. and free apples.

Reply

Laners561769 | 9

#3027544 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:10

Sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West, The Cowardly Lion, and Dorothy have made there bizzare return... you being dorothy. Sorry, OP.

Reply

ItsTheKing | 10

#3027779 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:03

I can imagine op's father tiptoeing with his pwnd face on. Lil

Reply

Drigr | 9

#3027807 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:13

I want what 110 is on. sounds like a fun trip.

Reply

Jvr91 | 8

#3028382 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:04

Thug life

Reply

Friaza | 29

#3031835 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:19

Just wait till she calms down and apologize. Then politely throw coconuts at her.

By sarabraun8 | 7

#3025510 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:05

hahaha

Reply

Dispute | 3

#3027698 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:47

Maybe he went to the supermarket and bought peas, and than took a short cut through the backyard. Just a though.

Reply

davex | 0

#3027764 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:00

I guess OP took one for the team. Don't worry OP, today you tomorrow him.

Reply

Gourmet_Taco | 0

#3028692 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 11:38

hahaha

Reply

imustbeinsane | 2

#3028902 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 12:34

apple doesnt fall far from the tree, shes just avenging future peas

Reply

Smokingweenies | 3

#3034263 - Thursday 4 August 2011 4:52

I can see a gif of that with the dad having a troll face XD

By tsim_fml | 0

#3025512 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Your dads the shit.

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3025976 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:24

Yea he just got your family a bunch of free peas now you're getting free apples!

Reply

hoodasswhitekid | 0

#3026045 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:44

nah man, he's the piss

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3026138 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:09

^^ lol 69

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#3026270 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:47

He sure does know how to support a family!!

Reply

iGuitarKid | 0

#3026385 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:20

your pretty :)

Reply

fymother | 13

#3026622 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:21

kick him in the ass the next time he takes a pea.

Reply

miraggg | 1

#3026696 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:34

He's gotta have his peas

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3026927 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:11

Haha 69 likes!

Reply

R34luver | 5

#3027226 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:13

omg u guys are so immature with all the damn 69 jokes! you worse the the creeper perv at my skool who does the same thing xP

Reply

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3027957 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 9:00

164-Cool story bro. Tell it again.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3030262 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 17:34

It's 165 bro. And i would like to hear it again, it sounds like me.

By sxe_beast | 11

#3025521 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

WOW, lol! FYL, but this is hilarious.

Reply

oboewhore_xD | 6

#3025894 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

OMG.
D:

your profile picture. my eyes. FML

Reply

daydreamer244 | 13

#3026189 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:27

tht profile pic is just...........disturbing.

Reply

sxe_beast | 11

#3026203 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:31

I get so many comments on my profile picture, lol. I use it on a few other websites too. That's kind of the point of it... to be disturbing. Haha! :D

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3026295 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:52

There's a good message behind that picture.

Reply

Lstands4LOSER | 0

#3027377 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:38

95- Always properly groom your mustache hair?

Reply

CyonideCyns | 0

#3027854 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:32

Its completely shopped, how can you not tell?

Reply

sxe_beast | 11

#3029296 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 14:51

@Cyonide - That's not the point. Its one of the new proposed cigarette warning labels (in America). Look them up.

By jeob1992 | 8

#3025523 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

old... you moved quick

Reply

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3026568 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:06

Is this some kind of poetry???

Reply

AyeeArieel | 5

#3026756 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:45

yeahh wat thee hell is tht supposeed to mean?

Reply

Sonic_boomerang | 5

#3026831 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:54

he meant the op said old he took it as op moved thus being ops old neighbor not old age as the way op meant?

Reply

skylerXx | 6

#3027142 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:55

What the f**k did you just say? You confused me.

Reply

fmlbrooo | 0

#3027804 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:12

You're stupid. That's what it means.

Reply

jeob1992 | 8

#3031710 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:01

it was a joke I understood what op meant

By skylerXx | 6

#3025527 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Haha. Your dad is badass. But who steals peas from someone else's garden? I hope that was for good fun.

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#3026917 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:10

My neighbors come take everything out of my garden, however he is a butcher and sends fresh meat over all the time so I don't mind a bit.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#3027021 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:26

Thats not cool at all, stealing from someone else's garden, no matter what you give in return. The only fresh meat I would accept as equal payment is his wife's.

*not serious* :D

Reply

sara_saturday | 5

#3027718 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:52

you should have told her I'd she keeps chunking apples, next time you'll be leaving pees in her garden

By Monkeyone | 0

#3025530 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

6th!!!!

By agsilver | 14

#3025536 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

"DAMMIT DAD!"

Reply

kevint9911 | 15

#3026894 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:06

Your dad, god dammit.

Reply

Crash_1524 | 0

#3027904 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 8:48

Aahhh RWJ :) Lmao.

By WCARlover | 34

#3025542 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

haha I love your dad!

Reply

TheGianaJinx | 0

#3027038 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:29

I love her dad too, but I have a thought... Why is OP's dad stealing peas? xD He could have robbed a bank, or mugged the old hag who pelted OP with apples... But no, he stole peas.

Reply

CookieM_fml | 4

#3032192 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:03

Gotta Get Your Veggies

By taytoc | 10

#3025544 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:08

haha take the apples she throws at you and see what happens

Reply

abcgum234 | 0

#3069086 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 7:09

Smart

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#5794163 - Monday 16 December 2013 12:40

Free apples!