Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good... - FML

By mrboston - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Can they do that?

Modernity

By Anonymous - United States - Eureka

Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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By laundry day again... - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

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By Allie - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

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By Honest mistake

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By Jess56 - United States

Fun is overrated

Today, I met the exchange student who will be living with us for a year. As we were talking, she told me that she doesn't like reading, writing, drawing, athletics, watching television or listening to music. What does she like to do during her free time? Study. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By NoHipster - 3/6/2020 05:02

Crazy people

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By cody4prez

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley" - 27/11/2019 20:00

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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By Flubber - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

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By Humpday - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By Master's_degree_in_failure - 17/10/2020 22:30

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Today, I "answered" an email instead of "forwarding" it. As a result, there is a chance that my Master's thesis supervisor gets a message from me starting by the F-word, and complaining about my bad work and inability to understand a deadline. FML

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By notliked - United States

Today, on facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to "How can Dan have over 500 facebook friends? Nobody even likes him" there were 42 likes, and twenty comments that said "agreed." FML

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By dammitall - United States

Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They then had sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML

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By Sigh - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

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By Eric John Los - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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By sandi519 - United States

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

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By KayyElOh94 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my dog to the vet because he hadn't eaten his food in three days, was drinking a lot of water, and was peeing a lot (all signs of antifreeze poisoning). I spent $200 at the vet to tell me that my dog is fine and just didn't like his current food. FML

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By UH-OH - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By BarhydtBran - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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By piliseep

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

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By Alanis - United States

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By muffingirl - United Kingdom

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML

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By crazy cat lady - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

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By OhDamn - United Kingdom

Today, there was a knock at my door, and I was greeted by a punch to the face. The man was the extremely angry "fiancé" of the girl I've been married to for just over a year. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Pickle - United States

Today, my friend and I taught a very involved healthy nutrition program to underprivileged youths at a local center. We even made them a healthy snack at the end of the program. Within minutes of the program being over, we catch some of our fellow volunteers feeding the kids Oreos. FML

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By Ouch

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 14:00

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By seriously?? - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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Top comments

By rhcpbeezy | 0

#533717 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:01

I love how this is phrased haha

By caancoha | 0

#533770 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:35

[Cont.] I hope you winked at him and moaned out, "I thought you should have a taste of the next year of your life" as you finished, got up, stroked his face, and shrugged on your robe.

COMMENTS

By untoldfame | 3

#533711 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 8:58

10th!

and yeah, that wouldve been akward..

Reply

ibaun21 | 0

#804594 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:23

agree probably a bit of aqured silence

Reply

Dunebuggy569 | 5

#955610 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:41

Hey, at least his parents wernt there with him helping getting moved in. That would have been reeeal akward.

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1048938 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 20:45

I love you #1. plain and simple love you. XP btw, u deserve it. look at a schedil.

Reply

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#2472335 - Saturday 7 May 2011 14:51

yeah, good thing. so where's the FML if you weren't doing that?

Reply

kpizzle91 | 1

#2721183 - Monday 20 June 2011 8:09

he is being sarcastic, he actually was doing that

Reply

klsydggn | 16

#3209018 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 5:07

^^...is your picture Selena Gomez?

Reply

Junkie_Razor | 20

#3843244 - Saturday 7 January 2012 7:21

^ Looks like it.
Maybe it's her official FML profile or a guy with a thing for young girls.

Reply

mk58 | 31

#4323648 - Wednesday 18 April 2012 22:51

No really, 87. *insert eyeroll*

Reply

Vault_Boy | 9

#6114636 - Sunday 9 November 2014 21:37

That would've been their biggest blunder without a doubt!

By rhcpbeezy | 0

#533717 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:01

I love how this is phrased haha

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#854332 - Sunday 14 February 2010 10:56

I agree i thing the wordings what made it just that much funnier!!! lmfao
and #1 made me laugh really hard!! you rock

By PsYcHoSOADLaDy | 0

#533723 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:07

Awesome, Dude, FYL! But there is lesson to be learned... There is a time and a place to play with yourself :P

Reply

BigScott | 13

#533866 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 11:44

...and it's called college.

Reply

cheese1756 | 0

#535675 - Thursday 3 September 2009 3:20

. . .and it's called sarcasm

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#886773 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 0:57

lol

Reply

jonmansheppard | 9

#2855312 - Saturday 9 July 2011 12:11

anytime, anywhere XD

By ramizaali | 0

#533726 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:09

LOL .

By loled1337 | 0

#533727 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:09

why would you do that in the first place? ydi for being naked on the couch touching yourself when you knew you were going to have a roommate.

Reply

SarahBearXoX | 0

#993850 - Saturday 15 May 2010 5:59

obviously he didn't, and the ops room mate shouldve knocked

By caancoha | 0

#533738 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:15

You're a master at breaking the ice, OP. Congrats! I should invite you to some parties as a topic starter for cute girls.

Reply

raptorjebus | 0

#967166 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 5:12

I see you are drinking mountain dew
have fun lowering your sperm cout.

Reply

TheMegaFridge | 0

#2531169 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 23:51

it's a woman..

By shoshizzle | 0

#533745 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Sweej | 1

#3141161 - Friday 19 August 2011 20:17

YDI for being a complete and NOT funny retard..

By thtnerdykid | 0

#533753 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:25

Wait, So If You Didn't Do That, Why Is This An FML? idgi
[This Comment Is Sarcastic]

Reply

domking1315 | 20

#2909835 - Sunday 17 July 2011 2:06

You're stupid.

By caancoha | 0

#533770 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:35

[Cont.] I hope you winked at him and moaned out, "I thought you should have a taste of the next year of your life" as you finished, got up, stroked his face, and shrugged on your robe.

Reply

bsander | 0

#533785 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:44

Oh god, win

Reply

mahree8mellos | 0

#535849 - Thursday 3 September 2009 4:57

ROFLMAO!!!! Greatest comment ever, #9.

Reply

liveBabylon | 0

#539837 - Saturday 5 September 2009 1:23

I'm a girl...I'm straight but this comment turns me on ahaha

Reply

g7190g92 | 1

#542414 - Sunday 6 September 2009 2:36

#49: Me too haha
I love the way this FML is written

Reply

verlorenerFall | 8

#3326923 - Thursday 22 September 2011 5:43

I don't see what your being straight has Ro d with anything, or why you said "but" before making that statement. OP is a guy...

Reply

mk58 | 31

#4323710 - Wednesday 18 April 2012 22:55

I would have been so unbelievably disgusted if I were the roommate... Probably enough to switch rooms.

By YouDeservedThat1 | 0

#533779 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 9:39

Lmfao. YouDeservedThat1, man.