Work: Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and...

By Iknoweverything - United States - Mankato

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

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Work

Understandable

Late term

Facts over feelings

By Anonymous - United States - Fremont

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By Yoooooo0 - United States

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

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By Walter - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By haqL - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, my girlfriend brought a 12-pack of beer to my mother's wake. FML

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By Bobby

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

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By baebookboo - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

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By Gemini gang

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canton

Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having to look in the mirror, because I've memorized the crater and trench-filled war zone that is my acne-riddled face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By poorbeauty - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

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By courtbabbbby - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By inboxbuddies - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter asked me if we can make sticker art. Of course I said it was ok so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn't ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML

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By lax22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, 30 minutes after finishing a great date with a great girl, she texted me and said, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

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By Lauren Smith - United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

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By Face fucking palm - United States - Albany

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

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By GroosedOut - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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By fatty milkshakes - United States

Today, I found out that my roommate has been switching my protein powder with chocolate milk mix and brown sugar. Since I work out frequently, I've been consuming large amounts of this and have gained at least 10 pounds of fat. His reason? I turned his bookbag inside out. Once. FML

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By maybe time to adopt

Oops.

Today, after my wife and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years, I found out she's still on the pill. Apparently when she was a teen she had bad period cramps, so her doctor gave her the pill for the pain. She never realized it stops pregnancy. FML

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By for the love of god - United States

Today, my 55 year-old mother faked a pregnancy because she was jealous of all the attention I've been getting since I had my twin boys. FML

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By Dez Johnson - 7/3/2021 11:01

New or used?

Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

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By thesadone - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By P4ntless - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By anon - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

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By lauren - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

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By Anonymous - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 05:01

Ideal first date

Today, I went on a date where the guy got drunk off 11 White Claws, I got 18 ant bites (yes, I counted), stung by a yellow jacket, and lost both pairs of our shoes. He told me he was going to a strip club after, messed up my name 3 times and didn’t pay for anything. FML

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1058

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By rescuetheduck - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

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33808

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By Becky - United Kingdom

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

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By whymyliferose - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

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By bad_luck - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

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Top comments

By ICastillo | 24

#5270786 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:02

Whoever smelt it, dealt it

By seandoc | 13

#5270802 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:06

I don't think I've ever heard a fart described into so much detail before.

COMMENTS

By ICastillo | 24

#5270786 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:02

Whoever smelt it, dealt it

Yousuck24 | 21

#5270846 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:21

Who ever denied it, supplied it.

ICastillo | 24

#5270851 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:23

Whoever did the rhyme, did the crime.

insertnameherr | 11

#5270884 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:34

Those who accuse blew the fuse.

andyyroxx | 20

#5271704 - Sunday 23 December 2012 0:18

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed.

jezane | 9

#5272300 - Sunday 23 December 2012 4:28

Killed it.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5273051 - Sunday 23 December 2012 11:20

No, that was the farts doing.

Blacktom_fml | 6

#5289649 - Friday 28 December 2012 19:08

Rhyme is a vice, more than the fice.

MarkTheMintMan | 21

#6462257 - Monday 16 November 2015 0:36

#71 just... No

By FMLbutYDI | 17

#5270789 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:03

Well that stinks.

reallytho3 | 11

#5270892 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:40

You don't say...

maosquare | 18

#5270960 - Saturday 22 December 2012 17:55

Well, technically, 2 didn't say it - 2 typed it.

BobbyBoss | 10

#5271297 - Saturday 22 December 2012 19:39

Bum dum tssss

By Church_Vii | 4

#5270795 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:04

You could always just get a cold yourself and avoid the smells.

howdeedoo | 22

#5270849 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:22

Don't you think that being sick would be much worse than dealing with the occasional fart?

Church_Vii | 4

#5270857 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:24

A common cold is not a major inconvenience. Additionally, from simple reasoning, we can infer from the OP's statements that it was happening frequently, not occasional.