Miscellaneous: Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up...

By smells like ass

Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up into his hand. He failed and it landed on my face. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Knock off

What a catch

By mom

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

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By Kilika - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

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By big_bail - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

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By khlonnae - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

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By canispankthat - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

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By VMV - Spain - Abrera

Today, I desperately needed to pee, so I decided to confront my anxiety issues and use a public toilet. I opened the lid, only to see several huge, rancid floaters staring back at me. I had an attack, started sobbing, and pissed myself on the way home. Never again. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 14:01

Ghosts!

Today, I was written up for bringing my son to work. For safety reasons, bringing kids to work is strictly prohibited. I don’t have any kids. FML

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By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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By dad - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 02:12

Falling Down

Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

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By forever alone - United States - New York

Today, during the garter toss at a wedding, all the eligible men yelped and scrambled, evading it like a falling meteor. They apparently wanted to stay single, rather than put it on and dance with the one who caught the bouquet, which was me. FML

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By buggermonster - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

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By nopissleft - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

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By anon - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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By CyberPsycho - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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By fezhafeez - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

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By workworkwork

Today, at the winery, my boss proudly made a spectacle of the new, high quality bottles. After over a year of employment without breaking a bottle, I shattered 3 before lunch. FML

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By Moe - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By Mary - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

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By FrOsTy25

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

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By FMyThroat - Peru - Lima

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By awkwardpineapples - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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By Telemistake - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By LindseyS - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

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By Annonmyus

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

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Top comments

By sherri_baby88 | 35

#7383587 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:07

Ninja kick his balls into his throat.

By Slinky119 | 9

#7384003 - Thursday 5 January 2017 12:11

Did he really fail then?

COMMENTS

By Laphog | 17

#7383581 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 5:07

The ass to mouth ninja . Silent . And oh, so so deadly .

By emeraldisle | 30

#7383584 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 5:25

At least he didn't kick you in the face instead.

Dave_Davington | 33

#7383636 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 9:55

Personally, I'd prefer a kick to the face over someone else's shitty undies.

By aggoden_bed | 9

#7383586 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 5:52

Hone your ninja skills. You now have a target for knife throwing.

By sherri_baby88 | 35

#7383587 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:07

Ninja kick his balls into his throat.

By ArcaneBullshit | 21

#7383588 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:12

I'd ask if they were clean but based on your username I'd assume not, sorry op

assassinmaster | 22

#7383590 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:14

OP wrote dirty underwear, how can dirty underwear be clean lol

ArcaneBullshit | 21

#7383630 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 8:58

My eyes completely skipped that word haha, oops, thanks for not being a dick about it

By OhPuhleeze | 23

#7383628 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 8:27

You could get him.. with things so much worse...

By somedudesomewher | 29

#7383690 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 15:15

I remember a FML of a girl who threw her bloody panties at her brother. This wasn't payback was it?

By Slinky119 | 9

#7384003 - Thursday 5 January 2017 12:11

Did he really fail then?