Miscellaneous: Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 105

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 113

29/12/2016 03:05

Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up into his hand. He failed and it landed on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 978

You deserved it 400

Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dysfunctional

Walk on the wild side

17/10/2013 05:51

Today, I realized I can't wait until my daughter moves out the house when she is 18. She is eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 921

You deserved it 28 794

23/10/2009 06:51

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 120

You deserved it 6 254

14/12/2010 05:01

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 909

You deserved it 2 780

15/01/2012 19:34

Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 392

You deserved it 5 073

26/03/2014 23:45

Today, I found out that, after having moved over 500 miles to begin a post-graduate degree, I'm being kicked out of the house I'm renting. We haven't yet signed agreements. Apparently I "keep the kitchen too clean". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 375

You deserved it 3 627

29/06/2011 06:12

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 141

You deserved it 59 278

16/07/2009 18:46

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 266

You deserved it 5 862

Things that go WTF? in the night

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 10:01

Today, as I was sleeping, I found a snail in my bed, yet I was dreaming so I thought it was a dream, but it felt real. I jumped out of the bed and I couldn't believe it. I wonder how it got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 69

29/06/2016 02:17

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 327

You deserved it 2 721

15/08/2012 21:14

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 867

You deserved it 4 395

Tough Love

By Ugly - 08/03/2017 04:00

Today, during a conversation with my in-laws, I opened up about my insecurities concerning my looks. My mother-in-law responded, "But you're not beautiful." She then repeated it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 010

You deserved it 475

26/11/2015 15:20

Today, my housemate walked out of the bathroom with my toothbrush in his mouth and asked, "You're not one of those people who cares if someone uses their toothbrush, are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 575

You deserved it 1 572

Black out

By Rude awakening - 28/10/2020 14:01

Today, I blacked out while riding my electric scooter. Luckily, I was quickly jolted awake when my chin hit the tarmac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 179

First time?

By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 11:56

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It was also the first time he'd ever had sex. How could I tell? He cried all the way through, and called his parents right after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 145

You deserved it 6 865

Wait til he Googles it

By what a fuckin idiot - 09/10/2021 05:00

Today, my now ex-boyfriend left in a rage. He went through my bathroom drawers and saw that I had Vagisil. He’s legitimately convinced that vagisil is used to treat STIs. Moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 149

Thanks, I hate it

By kkkk - 31/01/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 439

You deserved it 2 959

15/07/2015 22:02

Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 371

You deserved it 3 361

Does this smell bad?

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 02:01

Today, I spent a full two minutes doing nothing but sniffing my computer. Don't worry, it was in the living room and my roommate definitely saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 311

You deserved it 626

23/05/2012 18:47

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 590

You deserved it 2 489

18/11/2013 06:38

Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 628

You deserved it 4 025

11/06/2009 05:08

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 259

You deserved it 54 520

22/09/2010 07:47

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 936

You deserved it 3 699

02/05/2013 01:52

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 955

You deserved it 2 599

06/05/2012 04:09

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 367

You deserved it 2 973

Time to run

By wastedtime - 13/09/2020 10:57

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 100

You deserved it 179

07/12/2011 18:43

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 116

You deserved it 2 554

18/04/2014 05:37

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 642

You deserved it 13 819

29/12/2009 16:56

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 082

You deserved it 44 371

Where you been?

By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I headed out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 087

You deserved it 35 901

16/02/2010 01:25

Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 861

You deserved it 1 923

23/11/2011 06:02

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 055

You deserved it 2 896

13/11/2013 17:30

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 223

You deserved it 7 740

21/07/2009 05:32

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 635

You deserved it 51 780

21/07/2015 15:17

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 381

You deserved it 2 741

Old soul

By Olivia - 09/08/2021 20:01

Today, I was asked if I had children who are in high school. I’m 17. This isn't the first time someone has mistaken me for a woman in her twenties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 142

14/03/2010 20:30

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 595

You deserved it 8 305

19/12/2016 19:34

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 070

You deserved it 1 130

24/01/2010 18:12

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 030

You deserved it 4 571

25/12/2014 15:25

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 290

You deserved it 2 813

Catch 22

By Anonymous - 26/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was at a friend's house; she left the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I'd, "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. I'm a gay guy, and she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 89

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Top comments

sherri_baby88 35

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:07

Ninja kick his balls into his throat.

Slinky119 9

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Thursday 5 January 2017 12:11

Did he really fail then?

Comments

Laphog 17

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 5:07

The ass to mouth ninja . Silent . And oh, so so deadly .

emeraldisle 30

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 5:25

At least he didn't kick you in the face instead.

Dave_Davington 33

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 9:55

Personally, I'd prefer a kick to the face over someone else's shitty undies.

aggoden_bed 9

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 5:52

Hone your ninja skills. You now have a target for knife throwing.

sherri_baby88 35

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:07

Ninja kick his balls into his throat.

ArcaneBullshit 21

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:12

I'd ask if they were clean but based on your username I'd assume not, sorry op

assassinmaster 22

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:14

OP wrote dirty underwear, how can dirty underwear be clean lol

ArcaneBullshit 21

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 8:58

My eyes completely skipped that word haha, oops, thanks for not being a dick about it

OhPuhleeze 23

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 8:27

You could get him.. with things so much worse...

somedudesomewher 29

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Wednesday 4 January 2017 15:15

I remember a FML of a girl who threw her bloody panties at her brother. This wasn't payback was it?

Slinky119 9

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Thursday 5 January 2017 12:11

Did he really fail then?