Kids: Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately...

By oh for f*cks sake - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML

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Kids

Serious times

Out of it

Not now, mom!

By theboywithlonghair - United States

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

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By helpless_soul - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

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By DaddyZ - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

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By thathottchickk - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, I woke up and screamed: My older sister had placed a Furby right by my face while I was asleep. This is a common occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 20:00

Road rage

Today, I was brake-checking a Dodge Charger who was attempting to run me off. It was an undercover police car. FML

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By Canceled Wedding

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

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By arghhh - United States

Today, I finished my internship working in a government lab. I got paid $4000 for the summer. I was talking to my cousin, who said that when he worked as a carnie last summer he made $8000. I get paid half as much for doing research as a carnie does for serving people sno-cones. FML

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By K - United States

Today, I got a second notice from the mailman that my mail would not be delivered because of the pile of ice a plow had pushed in front of my mailbox. After getting the first notice, I'd spent an hour in the cold busting up the ice with a pick to clear a path. He put both notices in my mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

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By hatemyluck - United States - Bronx

Today, my boyfriend was showing me photos on his iPod when he came across a photo of a half-naked girl. He tried to play it off by quickly changing it, only to reveal even more half-naked girls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a parking ticket on my car. Out of five cars who were in violation of the same infraction, I was the only one who received a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

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By fmexgirlfriend - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend of 4 years because I didn't know the exact amount of days that we'd been together. FML

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By Fingkids - United States

Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML

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By Cat - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

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42042

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By peallow - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Encouragement

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

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By bh2000 - 29/5/2020 17:00

Pay up

Today, I'd purchased a ticket for the train on my mobile app. Some idiot pushed past me on his way out and in the process makes me drop my phone, ruining it. A conductor then came to check my ticket and I got fined 150 dollars. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. FML

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35019

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By Anonymous

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By ayeyieyie - United States

Hypocrite move

Today, my boyfriend of eight happy months suddenly broke up with me via text. He'd always insisted that texts were too impersonal. FML

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By melissa - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

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By estephi - France

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the only reason he's with me is because I'm a good tattoo artist and he's too broke to pay for his own tattoos. We've been together for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By RightInTheFace - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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By Anonymous

They Do.

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

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By bm128902 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was going around saying that she tries to give time off to the other managers so they can spend time with their family and significant others. She looked at me and said she doesn't for me because I have no one special to spend time with. FML

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By dazedandconfused - United Kingdom

Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don't drink. I'm pregnant. FML

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By best breast

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

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Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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2834

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By that girl has a beard - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By johnnyfuckfacer - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By paula434 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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By nevaagain - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By ukfan - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

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Top comments

By galacticstorm | 6

#7427236 - Monday 20 March 2017 13:28

That sounds like a...Shitty Situation.
*Badumtss*
I'm ready to accept your boo's now.

By species4872 | 19

#7427208 - Monday 20 March 2017 12:37

It gives a whole new meaning to finger painting.

COMMENTS

By species4872 | 19

#7427208 - Monday 20 March 2017 12:37

It gives a whole new meaning to finger painting.

By galacticstorm | 6

#7427236 - Monday 20 March 2017 13:28

That sounds like a...Shitty Situation.
*Badumtss*
I'm ready to accept your boo's now.

By finalyearsofhate | 22

#7427268 - Monday 20 March 2017 15:39

Fun, isn't it? I promise it won't be the last time.

By Stuffaluffagus | 25

#7427331 - Monday 20 March 2017 18:26

Things like this make me so thankful I'll never have children

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7427379 - Monday 20 March 2017 20:51

It'll be a funny moment to look back on when he grows up, right before you whoop his ass.

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7427477 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 2:54

I really hope your parents didn't make you clean it up. after all, it is their responsibility.