Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset,... - FML

By thissucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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BO Central

Craft beer bores

Yeah, fuck the poor

By davav74 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

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By prochainefois - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

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By Rae - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

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By BabeRuth - United States

Today, I thought it would be cool to hit a basketball with a baseball bat. Ended up in the ER with seven stitches. FML

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By melikeyturtles - United States

Today, I went to work as a home health-aid, and found out that my client turns his hearing aid off on purpose because he can't stand my voice. FML

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By goldengirl - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

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By Calimero

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

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By TDCC - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

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By

Hopeless

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, then, my wife told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By ash - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By longdrive - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my work and proposing to me. It was sweet until an angry customer bitched us out for "wasting her time." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

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By auraya1985 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

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By failure - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By notonthepavement - United States - Desoto

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

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By Missa - Canada

False accusation

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By abjoro

Today, I found out that the cute guy who sits in front of me in class and who keeps looking at me over his right shoulder is not interested in me as I had been led to believe. He has mild Tourrette's and his tick happens to be scratching his chin over his right shoulder. FML

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By be_nj - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, I had a male customer come up to me and ask me what hours I worked today, like he has done for several weeks now. Immediately after, my manager calls my lane to tell me to watch out for that guy. He has been stalking a co-worker of mine. Apparently, I'm next. FML

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By ashamed - 9/5/2020 02:00

Body issues

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me showering in the dark. When he asked why, I just told him it’s more relaxing for me. Truth is, after losing 120 lbs, I’m so disgusted by the look of my sagging skin that I can’t bear to see myself naked anymore. FML

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By J Rush - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

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By - 23/1/2020 01:00

Favorite child

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my friends showed me a video of me blind drunk last night, getting into a fight with my front door. The door won, unlike my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

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By "Levi2411"

Today, I'm babysitting. The kids have only been home at the same time together for 15 minutes. Two of them have punched each other and the other is running in circles screaming. What is wrong with this picture? FML

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By daragnan - United States

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

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By jadalaheart - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By NeedHeadPhone - Canada

I love that for you

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 02:00

Pampered

Today, I'm 25-years-old and I need to wear an adult diaper as I have lost my bladder control. FML

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By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By tannerpaul

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By Nyquilwtf - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

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By khaoslife - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By kibblegirl

Today, I was so hungry that my mouth started watering during a dog food commercial. FML

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By sad guy - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By Anna - 25/7/2020 05:10

Masterchef

Today, my partner, our 5-month-old baby and I had to go to A&E because my idiot boyfriend mistook dishwasher rinse aid for cooking oil, and cooked a meal for us in it. As I'm breastfeeding, even our baby needed blood tests. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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Top comments

By vandaleyes | 0

#10386 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:12

Rule of thumb: If you're young enough to be grounded by your parents, you're probably extremely young to be wearing that.

You deserved that one.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#10385 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:09

"Um... I need to do this for a class."

COMMENTS

By milkman17 | 0

#10349 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:32

to number 3
he forgot his keys

By Stakeout | 0

#10352 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:34

damn!

By lewalrus | 4

#10358 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:42

OOOOO

I LAUGHED SO DAMN HARD

:)

Reply

weetfur | 0

#2214358 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:25

e mail?

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5542068 - Wednesday 19 June 2013 8:04

Email? What the fuck???

By suckerz | 0

#10362 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:45

how old are you to dress up like that and still be young enough to be grounded???

By Amkii | 0

#10369 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:48

Guys, if he forgot his keys, how did he lock himself out, unless the daughter locked the door behind him?

#s 9 and 2 - I agree!

Reply

blankaex | 0

#936201 - Thursday 11 March 2010 16:06

you lock yourself out by locking the door while its open, going outside and pulling it shut

By RockThatStuff | 0

#10378 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:59

#11, I lock myself out of my house all the time.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#10385 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:09

"Um... I need to do this for a class."

Reply

Scarlettkiss | 8

#4073900 - Wednesday 22 February 2012 21:57

Hmm...just wondering but what kind of class is that?

Reply

Zfontaine04 | 8

#4460337 - Sunday 20 May 2012 22:06

^ hardcore sex-ed

Reply

Dr_Awesome654 | 24

#6651723 - Sunday 17 July 2016 9:37

"It's a group project."

By vandaleyes | 0

#10386 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:12

Rule of thumb: If you're young enough to be grounded by your parents, you're probably extremely young to be wearing that.

You deserved that one.

Reply

commonsensex | 0

#422954 - Thursday 23 July 2009 21:32

Agreed.

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2376267 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 6:31

agreed. now bend over so we can finish your punishment

Reply

bianchieiei | 13

#4540107 - Friday 8 June 2012 14:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5277009 - Monday 24 December 2012 20:21

275 - If you're too young to use proper English (or even pretend to TRY), you're too young to wear that.

Reply

sulitak | 27

#5427352 - Saturday 30 March 2013 12:08

#275: the internet. if you have a card, you can buy it

#14: agreed. that shit doesn't belong in your parents house. unless its your parents shit.

Reply

RebbeAsh | 10

#6699191 - Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:50

if your over the age of 16 in most states its perfectly legal. however you'd most likely live with your parents still and therefore could be grounded

By EIDS | 0

#10387 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:13

Silly whore.

By uminuscooll | 0

#10391 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment