Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset,... - FML

By thissucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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Real friends

The receipts, the tea

Just a prank, bro

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

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By GasFromThePast - United States - Cambridge

Today, I smelled gas when entering my apartment. I checked everything and then left to seek help. I was told to call 911, which resulted in two firetrucks and 10+ firefighters, one of which was my high school sweetheart, entering my messy apartment and finding nothing wrong. FML

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By sadNsingle

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

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By carla - France

Odorama

Today, as I came out of some changing rooms in a clothes shop, I gave back all the stuff I'd tried on to a saleswoman. I then walk off, make it about a couple of yards, change my mind and decide to purchase one of the items I'd tried. When I get back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I'd used with deodorant. FML

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By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

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By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By superpissed - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Bologna

Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML

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By Anonymous

Assumptions

Today, I found out that most of the people I work with secretly refer to me as the "designated bottom" because they assumed from my slight stature and soft spoken personality that I was a submissive homosexual. My wife thinks it’s hilarious and keeps grabbing my ass to make me jump in shock. FML

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By Jerrrr - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

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By justletitbeover - United Kingdom

Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML

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By BadFriend - 4/4/2021 20:00 - United States

Compassion

Today, my best friend is giving me the silent treatment and has blocked me on Facebook. All because I missed her 30th birthday dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I’d gotten into a car accident earlier and had to be treated for minor injuries in the ER. FML

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By poordude - 3/4/2021 05:00

Extreme response

Today, my girlfriend told me that our relationship and economic situation is stressing her out so much that she’d rather end her life or marry a rich dude. FML

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By duckwater - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By all puked out - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

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By stpry of my life - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

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By ughhhh - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

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By ExtendedVacation - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Thanks, Mr Whiskers

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 12:00 - United States - Boise

Porn addiction

Today, I was recording a video on Snapchat to send to one of my friends, while unaware that my father had walked in behind me. I was talking about how I can’t watch porn anymore because my phone is broken. He now knows too much. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML

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By Unwelcome - 29/11/2020 11:02

Be better, people

Today, I went to my fiancé’s family’s house for dinner. They put pork and/or alcohol in EVERY. SINGLE. DISH. Including putting bacon grease in the desserts. They know I’m Muslim and his mom insisted I was being rude for only drinking water. We ended up leaving with me in tears. FML

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By Sodapop40 - 21/6/2020 05:05

"Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield starts playing…

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

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By Mary Kathryn - United States - Fremont

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a fat girl's bike. FML

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By Cissy

Today, my former coworker called to ask if he could get it on with my ex-husband. The same ex I was married to for 20 years without knowing anything about his other life. I've been replaced by an overweight, middle-aged furry. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out on a date with an ex boyfriend that I hadn't seen since college. He took me to a bar, where he was oddly quiet, but drank heavily. When the bartender asked us if we were ok, he replied, "This is my ex girlfriend. Can you believe she used to be skinny?" FML

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By stillAvirgin:( - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

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By wat_dafuq_bro

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 04:02 - Australia - Lakes Entrance

Work sucks, I know

Today, I returned to work after a week off due to severe food poisoning, after which I ended up in the ED. I was given a warning for causing an inconvenience to everyone, and next time I'm going to be sick, I should give 3 days notice. FML

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By Sara - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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By ragingwaffles - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By horselover7766 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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By Betrayed - United States

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

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By habbsrule - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By picaboo - Singapore

Today, I bought a new computer. I gave my old one to my mother. After handing it over and going home, I realised I forgot to change the background picture, a naked photo of my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waterford

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

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By McKenna - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

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By leftbehind - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

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Top comments

By vandaleyes | 0

#10386 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:12

Rule of thumb: If you're young enough to be grounded by your parents, you're probably extremely young to be wearing that.

You deserved that one.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#10385 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:09

"Um... I need to do this for a class."

COMMENTS

By milkman17 | 0

#10349 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:32

to number 3
he forgot his keys

By Stakeout | 0

#10352 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:34

damn!

By lewalrus | 4

#10358 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:42

OOOOO

I LAUGHED SO DAMN HARD

:)

Reply

weetfur | 0

#2214358 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:25

e mail?

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5542068 - Wednesday 19 June 2013 8:04

Email? What the fuck???

By suckerz | 0

#10362 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:45

how old are you to dress up like that and still be young enough to be grounded???

By Amkii | 0

#10369 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:48

Guys, if he forgot his keys, how did he lock himself out, unless the daughter locked the door behind him?

#s 9 and 2 - I agree!

Reply

blankaex | 0

#936201 - Thursday 11 March 2010 16:06

you lock yourself out by locking the door while its open, going outside and pulling it shut

By RockThatStuff | 0

#10378 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:59

#11, I lock myself out of my house all the time.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#10385 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:09

"Um... I need to do this for a class."

Reply

Scarlettkiss | 8

#4073900 - Wednesday 22 February 2012 21:57

Hmm...just wondering but what kind of class is that?

Reply

Zfontaine04 | 8

#4460337 - Sunday 20 May 2012 22:06

^ hardcore sex-ed

Reply

Dr_Awesome654 | 24

#6651723 - Sunday 17 July 2016 9:37

"It's a group project."

By vandaleyes | 0

#10386 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:12

Rule of thumb: If you're young enough to be grounded by your parents, you're probably extremely young to be wearing that.

You deserved that one.

Reply

commonsensex | 0

#422954 - Thursday 23 July 2009 21:32

Agreed.

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2376267 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 6:31

agreed. now bend over so we can finish your punishment

Reply

bianchieiei | 13

#4540107 - Friday 8 June 2012 14:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5277009 - Monday 24 December 2012 20:21

275 - If you're too young to use proper English (or even pretend to TRY), you're too young to wear that.

Reply

sulitak | 27

#5427352 - Saturday 30 March 2013 12:08

#275: the internet. if you have a card, you can buy it

#14: agreed. that shit doesn't belong in your parents house. unless its your parents shit.

Reply

RebbeAsh | 10

#6699191 - Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:50

if your over the age of 16 in most states its perfectly legal. however you'd most likely live with your parents still and therefore could be grounded

By EIDS | 0

#10387 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:13

Silly whore.

By uminuscooll | 0

#10391 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway