Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset,... - FML

By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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True hero

KoBabe

They're everywhere

By musicislife1337 - 8/1/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By anonymous - 8/12/2014 23:23 - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2015 04:38 - United States - Harrison

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

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By BadLuck - 27/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to the doctor to see why my walking pneumonia wasn't getting any better. It had. I've just somehow managed to also contract mono... while sitting home, alone. FML

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By what - 26/11/2010 19:17 - United States

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

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By SplashOuch - 5/1/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

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By Username - 25/10/2010 11:03 - France

Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

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By - 26/12/2018 06:00 - Australia

Today, As I walked out of the clubs, I slipped in my new shoes and spilt my chicken chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people witness this, but my dress is ruined.. FML

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By drano - 2/8/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 02:02

Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second lock on my locker. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By Chef stupid - 11/8/2016 15:32 - United States - Houston

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2015 20:41 - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

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By TooQuick - 27/4/2016 12:19 - Mozambique - Maputo

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2012 00:27 - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

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By Artic - 12/4/2011 04:00 - United States

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

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By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

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By MrFerret - 6/5/2011 03:41

Today, it's my birthday, and my present is that my mom is coming over to see me so that she can borrow three hundred dollars. FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By fishtities - 7/4/2016 04:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By Noname - 13/2/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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By bearded lady - 8/6/2020 14:03

Can't face it

Today, thanks to all my medications, I've been growing thick, dark hair on my face. I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving. The cream removed every trace of hair, but also made my skin about 4 times lighter than the rest of my face. It's even more noticeable than the beard. FML

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By pillowless - 13/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2019 22:15

Cheater

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

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By Laurita - 18/8/2017 04:30

Today, we started building our dream house. Next to my parents-in-law. FML

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By Crash - 30/6/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

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By CC - 11/10/2011 14:51 - Sweden

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

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By Username - 7/8/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

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By tkdbb11790 - 20/11/2019 14:00

Threesome

Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML

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By poo4brains - 28/4/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

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By Cinderella - 9/7/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By kewtness_17 - 1/10/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By rawr - 20/4/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

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Top comments

By vandaleyes | 0

#10386 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:12

Rule of thumb: If you're young enough to be grounded by your parents, you're probably extremely young to be wearing that.

You deserved that one.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#10385 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:09

"Um... I need to do this for a class."

COMMENTS

By milkman17 | 0

#10349 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:32

to number 3
he forgot his keys

By Stakeout | 0

#10352 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:34

damn!

By lewalrus | 4

#10358 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:42

OOOOO

I LAUGHED SO DAMN HARD

:)

Reply

weetfur | 0

#2214358 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:25

e mail?

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5542068 - Wednesday 19 June 2013 8:04

Email? What the fuck???

By suckerz | 0

#10362 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:45

how old are you to dress up like that and still be young enough to be grounded???

By Amkii | 0

#10369 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:48

Guys, if he forgot his keys, how did he lock himself out, unless the daughter locked the door behind him?

#s 9 and 2 - I agree!

Reply

blankaex | 0

#936201 - Thursday 11 March 2010 16:06

you lock yourself out by locking the door while its open, going outside and pulling it shut

By RockThatStuff | 0

#10378 - Sunday 1 March 2009 23:59

#11, I lock myself out of my house all the time.

By Bauer_fml | 0

#10385 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:09

"Um... I need to do this for a class."

Reply

Scarlettkiss | 8

#4073900 - Wednesday 22 February 2012 21:57

Hmm...just wondering but what kind of class is that?

Reply

Zfontaine04 | 8

#4460337 - Sunday 20 May 2012 22:06

^ hardcore sex-ed

Reply

Dr_Awesome654 | 24

#6651723 - Sunday 17 July 2016 9:37

"It's a group project."

By vandaleyes | 0

#10386 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:12

Rule of thumb: If you're young enough to be grounded by your parents, you're probably extremely young to be wearing that.

You deserved that one.

Reply

commonsensex | 0

#422954 - Thursday 23 July 2009 21:32

Agreed.

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2376267 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 6:31

agreed. now bend over so we can finish your punishment

Reply

bianchieiei | 13

#4540107 - Friday 8 June 2012 14:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5277009 - Monday 24 December 2012 20:21

275 - If you're too young to use proper English (or even pretend to TRY), you're too young to wear that.

Reply

sulitak | 26

#5427352 - Saturday 30 March 2013 12:08

#275: the internet. if you have a card, you can buy it

#14: agreed. that shit doesn't belong in your parents house. unless its your parents shit.

Reply

RebbeAsh | 10

#6699191 - Wednesday 5 October 2016 1:50

if your over the age of 16 in most states its perfectly legal. however you'd most likely live with your parents still and therefore could be grounded

By EIDS | 0

#10387 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:13

Silly whore.

By uminuscooll | 0

#10391 - Monday 2 March 2009 0:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment