Today, my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where...

By rindawg - 20/1/2009 03:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where we had some great crab legs. Later tonight we drove down to the beach and started messing around. He started touching me... with his hands still covered in salty crab juice. FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

The Summoner

Reliable

By Plasticface - 14/5/2011 13:32 - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 02:02

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By sweetdreams - 18/9/2016 06:39 - United States - New York

Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML

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By panickygrl - 6/11/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

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By yankeebelle - 6/3/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtely pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status that I. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

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By Bob - 7/4/2020 02:00

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By Snowtoe - 14/1/2017 14:00

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

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By myennechee - 18/3/2009 05:22 - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 04:48 - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

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By snoozer - 23/3/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2015 17:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

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By Andrew - 23/10/2012 19:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2011 10:06 - Finland

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

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By Henry - 6/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

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By - 19/2/2020 01:00

Don't care

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 18:00

Hygiene 101

Today, my mother refused to talk to me because I wouldn't let her use my deodorant stick. FML

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By legit - 2/3/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

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By phansmootchie - 20/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 10:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

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By dogs_and_toucans - 8/6/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML

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By Oliveisthenewora - 5/4/2016 05:55 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

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By B.. - 1/9/2020 23:00

Bye then!

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

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By just the tip, though - 28/1/2014 17:06 - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I sliced my finger open because my roommate's girlfriend put a broken ceramic plate in the recycling. I was putting some paper in the bin and all of a sudden, an inch and a half of my flesh is naked to the world. I don't have medical insurance, so I fixed it with superglue. FML

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By mothers - 12/5/2013 17:21 - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By Floof - 15/2/2010 13:35 - United States

Today, I was skiing in Vermont for the third day straight. Since I was getting very little sleep, on the top of the chairlift I let out a huge yawn, pulling a muscle in my face. As I slid down the ramp, everyone saw me thrashing my head around and making funny, painful faces as I fell down. FML

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By rkaneki - 9/11/2019 20:00

Twice error

Today, the guy I've been seeing told me he did not want to pursue a relationship with me after over 2 months of talking. He did the exact same thing to me 7 years ago. I fell for him twice. FML

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By cpmagnusox - 17/3/2020 08:30

Sharing is caring

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

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By numb fingers - 15/4/2016 05:54 - United States - Banning

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

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By donuts678 - 16/8/2015 23:37 - United States - Passaic

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 17:19 - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

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By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By omgjessp - 19/7/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

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By fartypeepee - 18/7/2009 10:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

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By Gilly - 19/5/2017 18:00

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 17:14 - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

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By Jade - 15/10/2016 11:22 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 15:11 - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

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By barface - 11/1/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

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Top comments

By Tommy_fml | 0

#54054 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 2:31

That's one nasty way to get crabs.

By thewelshmetal | 0

#2735 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:44

maybe he likes fish sauce with his meat.

COMMENTS

By thewelshmetal | 0

#2735 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:44

maybe he likes fish sauce with his meat.

By silentfirefly | 0

#10729 - Monday 2 March 2009 7:20

@8 I applaud you

By oyster42 | 0

#20723 - Sunday 8 March 2009 3:57

#3, the problem is that salt causes a woman's private area to itch and burn horribly ... pretty much the same thing happened to me once, only it involved hot sauce from Hooters wings....

By pdoom | 0

#33520 - Monday 16 March 2009 0:48

I know some other people have said it, but yeah be glad it wasn't hot sauce. That stuff even burns on guy's junk too.

By podrummer9209 | 0

#36443 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 3:38

Ugh, that would suck... I don't envy you.

By Laughing_is_cool | 4

#46826 - Saturday 21 March 2009 4:55

gross haha

By sarahhha | 0

#53726 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 0:34

BURNNNN

By Tommy_fml | 0

#54054 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 2:31

That's one nasty way to get crabs.

FMLFML123123 | 0

#1012590 - Sunday 30 May 2010 15:31

hahaha wiiiin!

bugmenotmofo | 34

#1026942 - Friday 11 June 2010 3:11

no loss

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#63133 - Friday 27 March 2009 20:52

How do you even get hot sauce on your crotch other than someone absentmindedly touching you after handling it?

But yeah... I would have told him... No.
That's kind of gross.

coderedz | 0

#979483 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 21:03

ever watch van wilder 2? that'll answer your question

By tdawgheath | 0

#127417 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:35

so let him eat it out? duh.