Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of... - FML

By Krissy - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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Understandable

Freak out

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - United States - Brookhaven

Today, my 45-year-old child of a mother made such a dramatic scene over finding a hair in her food that the initially apologetic owners ended up kicking my family out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

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By bTOhno - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By im_radd - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum put up a sticky fly trap to try get rid of our fly problem. My phone started ringing and I jogged to answer it, but my hair got suck in the trap. My mum had to pull my hair out of the sticky mess and pick dead fly bodies out of my hair. FML

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By hedgehog5 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

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By CityBoysNow - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

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By Anonymous

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

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By cooldude - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

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By emmingle - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By leaftheerickson - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

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By mad dude

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By ThisBlows - United States

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring?

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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By nobleach - United States

Today, I decided I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

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By Nicole - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By the girl next door - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By Alyce - 9/10/2020 08:10 - United States - Lewistown

Never flip flop and drive

Today, I was supposed to deliver my S/O's keys to the garage, where he got his car fixed after a minor accident. I pulled out of my alley, only to have my flip flop catch on my accelerator, causing me to hit another car passing by. FML

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By Diffy - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

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By OMGraven - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

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By jessii - United States

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

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By katara - United States

Busted

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Pablo

Today, I gave a presentation to my college class about life with Tourette syndrome. I only got 3 minutes into it before my asswipe classmates started yelling stuff like "Shit!", "Cock!", and "Bob Saget!" I gave up and went back to my seat in tears as our bored instructor said "Next." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

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By klutz - United States - Woburn

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

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By justfat - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By d0pey - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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Top comments

By jpgray1982 | 0

#797903 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:31

I don't know if that is good or bad... Seahorses rule!

By perdix | 29

#797922 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

What a crazy, random simile! What does that even mean? Does he want to be pregnant with your babies?

Pack on a few more pounds and he'll compare you to a sea cow. Oh, the Hugh Manatee!

COMMENTS

By jpgray1982 | 0

#797903 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:31

I don't know if that is good or bad... Seahorses rule!

Reply

robotiick7 | 23

#5514762 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:11

Gold team rules!

By ROFLsyrup | 0

#797904 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:33

so? that's awesome.

By MegMM | 0

#797905 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:33

... don't get it. am I missing something?

By Intrepidity | 0

#797911 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:35

That's probably because you smell like fish down there.

By perdix | 29

#797922 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

What a crazy, random simile! What does that even mean? Does he want to be pregnant with your babies?

Pack on a few more pounds and he'll compare you to a sea cow. Oh, the Hugh Manatee!

Reply

flgirlwguitar | 2

#797950 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:54

Epic win.

OP, what's the problem? Guys are seldom the most articulate. Besides, seahorses are cool.

Reply

Lee002 | 8

#799091 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 3:53

Hugh Manatee = epically hilarious

By v1kt4r | 13

#797923 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:42

has any of u seen a sea horse???
http://library.thinkquest.org/5512/seahorse.gif
to stress for the slow trains, that was not a compliment, doesnt make it an FML tho, lose weight

By happyhak | 5

#797936 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:48

...And?

By boopityboppity | 11

#797947 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:53

On the plus side, at least if you decide to have children together, he'll be the pregnant one.

By anela_fml | 0

#797948 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:53

what the heck lol first off sea horses are small an I don't get I

Reply

afarr | 0

#797980 - Monday 25 January 2010 17:10

wha?

By Cartain | 0

#797954 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:55

So?