Intimacy: Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of... - FML

By Krissy - 25/01/2010 08:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 457

You deserved it 4 598

Batman

You tried

Own it

By hcditfi5foygy - 31/08/2018 20:30

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 350

You deserved it 525

By Jbheller - 03/05/2015 00:08 - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 299

You deserved it 3 107

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 461

You deserved it 5 850

By McChunky =( - 09/03/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 905

You deserved it 9 128

Mommy dearest

By Ohkourt - 20/04/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 97

By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 174

You deserved it 4 051

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 12:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my sister recorded the sound of me having intense diarrhea, retching at the stench, and eventually breaking down in tears. I only found out when I saw she'd posted it online, with the caption "lol #gaytard #sorrynotsorry". I've never been called a pussy by so many people before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 939

You deserved it 3 976

By ktiskool - 01/08/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 345

You deserved it 4 130

By Anonymous - 01/08/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 042

You deserved it 58 787

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 677

You deserved it 5 569

By Username - 27/01/2011 17:40 - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 048

You deserved it 5 673

By crappyeve - 25/12/2016 05:10 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 738

You deserved it 941

By Anonymous - 08/09/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

Spicy

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 363

You deserved it 2 544

By Anonymous - 03/06/2012 22:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 235

You deserved it 3 009

Pick me

By Brit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 228

You deserved it 46 144

By Anonymous - 06/08/2014 16:57 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 361

You deserved it 4 307

By fucked - 24/08/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 309

You deserved it 6 176

By kaynotentirelywrong - 15/08/2013 16:49 - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 136

You deserved it 13 304

By Anonymous - 21/02/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 094

You deserved it 4 568

By ckatia - 30/08/2016 09:29 - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 711

You deserved it 2 199

By Anonymous - 07/12/2011 18:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 196

You deserved it 2 556

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 21:59 - United States - Richmond

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 324

You deserved it 1 574

By Anonymous - 15/08/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 114

You deserved it 3 264

By Anonymous - 02/03/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 489

You deserved it 6 308

By The_HML - 24/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 903

You deserved it 11 121

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 19:28 - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 541

You deserved it 38 414

By thismakesmesad - 07/09/2011 16:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 327

You deserved it 7 543

By wat_dafuq_bro - 06/05/2013 06:06

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 393

You deserved it 11 316

Mix up

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 08:01

Today, I ordered DoorDash to my home. I sat outside waiting for it, starving, when my husband came out, laughing at me. The DoorDasher had called, I'd accidently sent it to my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 694

By Anonymous - 07/02/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 064

You deserved it 42 105

By Madagascar - 19/12/2009 10:18 - Australia

Spicy

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 810

You deserved it 4 866

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 620

You deserved it 4 143

By Boulette - 23/06/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 871

You deserved it 12 647

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 00:13 - South Africa

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 437

You deserved it 9 636

Primitive art

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 00:30

Today, I went to check on my 2 year-old daughter in her playroom, since she was being awfully quiet. I walk in to see her finger painting with her own feces on her kiddie table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 258

By Anonymous - 30/06/2019 16:06

Spicy

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 809

You deserved it 718

By thisguy - 24/02/2012 01:54 - Canada

Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on and drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 349

You deserved it 43 088

By Florida - 27/10/2010 18:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 065

You deserved it 2 928

By lucky? - 19/09/2017 01:30

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 842

You deserved it 298

By cheezmaster - 16/12/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 746

You deserved it 2 553

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:31

I don't know if that is good or bad... Seahorses rule!

perdix 29

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

What a crazy, random simile! What does that even mean? Does he want to be pregnant with your babies? Pack on a few more pounds and he'll compare you to a sea cow. Oh, the Hugh Manatee!

Comments

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:31

I don't know if that is good or bad... Seahorses rule!

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Friday 31 May 2013 12:11

Gold team rules!

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:33

so? that's awesome.

MegMM 0

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:33

... don't get it. am I missing something?

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:35

That's probably because you smell like fish down there.

perdix 29

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:41

What a crazy, random simile! What does that even mean? Does he want to be pregnant with your babies? Pack on a few more pounds and he'll compare you to a sea cow. Oh, the Hugh Manatee!

flgirlwguitar 2

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:54

Epic win. OP, what's the problem? Guys are seldom the most articulate. Besides, seahorses are cool.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 3:53

Hugh Manatee = epically hilarious

v1kt4r 13

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:42

has any of u seen a sea horse??? http://library.thinkquest.org/5512/seahorse.gif to stress for the slow trains, that was not a compliment, doesnt make it an FML tho, lose weight

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:48

...And?

boopityboppity 11

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:53

On the plus side, at least if you decide to have children together, he'll be the pregnant one.

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:53

what the heck lol first off sea horses are small an I don't get I

afarr 0

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Monday 25 January 2010 17:10

wha?

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Monday 25 January 2010 16:55

So?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 166

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 93