Intimacy: Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I...

By DDD - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21306

You deserved it

66590

Favorite

Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Rock, hard place

British Broadcasting Corporation

By beenawhile - United States - Boston

Fair point

Today, my 17 year-old brother asked me if I used birth control. When I told him I did, he responded, "Isn't that like using an inhalor when you don't have asthma?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1510

You deserved it

204

Favorite

By boredbymyself - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States

NFL 2020

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1066

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By cheated - United States

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75747

You deserved it

4521

Favorite

By Quin

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

607

You deserved it

1933

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Missoula

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12007

You deserved it

1848

Favorite

By midwify - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35198

You deserved it

7589

Favorite

By BuggedinBelgium

Today, my sister and I checked into our cheap hotel in Brussels as part of our month-long Europe trip. At 11pm we awoke to the sound of a mouse chewing through a bag of food we'd bought. At 3am we awoke to bedbugs. We slept in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23899

You deserved it

3814

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3181

You deserved it

403

Favorite

By cheersdaddy - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42559

You deserved it

4223

Favorite

By GidleyWife - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25300

You deserved it

2370

Favorite

By JoeyTheJedi - United States - Batesville

Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's been a death in the family, then abruptly hangs up. I speed home, to find my mother holding the tiny corpse of a fish that she got 2 weeks ago. I got fired for being late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15305

You deserved it

1307

Favorite

By ultraattitude - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32029

You deserved it

2650

Favorite

By "jojolovesyou134" - Australia

Today, I decided to stand up to my bosses for making me lose money and work with heat stroke... while my co worker got to go home early I had to work 2 hours later. Turns out I got a supervisor in trouble for making me work when there was help allocated. Now I have to walk on eggshells, FML

I agree, your life sucks

2083

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By ShouldIHelpIt - United States - Northampton

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12708

You deserved it

907

Favorite

By BigDT

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30640

You deserved it

4035

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3802

You deserved it

243

Favorite

By Allergic to Assholes - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22294

You deserved it

1340

Favorite

By Mrmz07 - United States - Midland

Today, I was called in to work on my day off to cover for a co-worker because she was busy getting it on with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14452

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1555

Favorite

By Impressionist - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12432

You deserved it

2349

Favorite

By senelbeat - United States

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41116

You deserved it

8518

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I was using my headset while gaming, and another player couldn't stop laughing at the hilariously high-pitched voice I was putting on. He thought I was mocking the pre-pubescent squeakers on our team. Nope, that's just my natural voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19495

You deserved it

2388

Favorite

By dylanhollis - United States - San Antonio

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43701

You deserved it

9124

Favorite

By Anon - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21570

You deserved it

9064

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Boaz

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29724

You deserved it

3664

Favorite

By notsohappyniece - United States

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48809

You deserved it

3754

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 11:02 - United States

Ironic

Today, on my way out to get salt for the driveway, I fell and split my head. I'm now sitting in the ER waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

837

You deserved it

Favorite

By lala - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7352

You deserved it

33910

Favorite

By smh - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42338

You deserved it

3971

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11387

You deserved it

7430

Favorite

By Anonymous - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32356

You deserved it

5025

Favorite

By Anonymous - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12727

You deserved it

851

Favorite

By steppppphhhhhh - United States - Pacifica

Today, I got called an "evil Nazi bitch" because I let a customer know that this is the last day our store will have free plastic bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37740

You deserved it

3473

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have 2 gashes in my head now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5888

You deserved it

72906

Favorite

By Brummsta - Australia

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31881

You deserved it

2589

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my 28-year-old husband's gamer rage is when I came home to a smashed TV. This is the second TV in three months that he's destroyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24963

You deserved it

4412

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I had to take my little brother to the pool. He acted like a brat the whole time, and when I told him we were leaving, he ran away, slipped, and hit his face on the tile floor. He told my dad and step-mom I punched him. They believed him, and I'm grounded for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32440

You deserved it

2008

Favorite

By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50301

You deserved it

10074

Favorite

By Karl

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34643

You deserved it

5939

Favorite

By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32678

You deserved it

8067

Favorite

By strwbrry - United States

Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36185

You deserved it

2840

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By kracker9017 | 0

#16721 - Thursday 5 March 2009 21:33

I heard stabbing them with a fork was the most effective approach

By coolness_fml | 0

#35184 - Monday 16 March 2009 21:30

checking his messages isnt creepy stalker ex gf type shit

COMMENTS

By thepokeduck | 0

#581 - Sunday 8 February 2009 0:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

earthruler | 0

#592745 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 0:45

Yea just to let you know, condoms dont prevent crabs or herpes in any way. They are transferred through skin to skin contact

zac12345 | 0

#954377 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 18:26

she realizes it, thus the hope, which I'm assuming means that it wouldn't matter but it helps for children and all. learned context clues in 2nd grade amirite?

grobo555 | 0

#2470090 - Saturday 7 May 2011 1:37

"Hookups with strangers are okay," if you're a whore.

HenryFBP | 0

#3380266 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:06

Do you even fucking know what crabs are? I mean, holt jumping fuckballs, I'm twelve and I already know that condoms don't protect against crabs.

subiedude08 | 17

#5737589 - Friday 1 November 2013 8:59

Your an idiot you can still get crabs even if u have a condom on

Crimson_Summer | 10

#6007686 - Monday 14 July 2014 12:52

#113 Yes, but it's less likely if it was used correctly.
'The only 100% preventive method is abstinence!' xD

fknhoe | 16

#6553152 - Sunday 6 March 2016 3:56

#113 you're* hate to be that guy but you're a tad hypocritical :)

By 2random | 0

#1034 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:08

i hope u catch everything , u deserve it !

Soniye | 14

#5641484 - Saturday 24 August 2013 10:14

Gee.. I guess everyone must "deserve it and catch everything" for having sex ... Seriously bro (miss) ? Grow up ..

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6251754 - Saturday 4 April 2015 2:56

Not necessarily, but she did screw the guy and then go through his facebook messages afterward.

She should've at least had a conversation with him about it beforehand and also respected his privacy.