Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I...

By DDD - 31/1/2009 15:04 - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

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Intimacy

Time don't heal nothing

Don't shoot the messenger

Long story short

By selfdefense - 12/10/2009 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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By eddie818 - 10/6/2012 07:54 - Canada - Sidney

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

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By grounded4life - 22/7/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

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By onepussytwopussy - 7/3/2014 19:47 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 20:35 - United States - New Iberia

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

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By ohhhemmgee - 6/9/2012 06:39 - United States - Reno

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

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By Discipl - 28/10/2014 03:00 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By Cate - 5/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By BriSwag4321 - 21/9/2018 05:00

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my girlfriend's father. He screenshotted it. FML

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By Monkey - 27/10/2012 15:02 - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

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By anonymous - 12/10/2011 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me for a chick I shared a hospital room with for 2 months. I introduced them. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By QueueJumper - 11/2/2014 00:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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By Foureyes - 23/8/2009 13:29 - Australia

Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met at the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

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By ashhatches - 27/6/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML

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By s - 9/12/2016 02:38

Today, I parked in a "Disabled" space. A woman and her kids comes yelling at me about how I don't look disabled and I was just being selfish. I roll my pants up to reveal two prosthetic legs. She then yells at me that I should have warned her before showing my legs since it could scare her kids. FML

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By User06606 - 29/9/2009 11:31 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

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By niii - 26/11/2008 04:26 - France

Today, as I often do, I had a shag in my old car. I am 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we are still living at our parents' house. FML

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By Zekrome - 5/5/2014 07:53 - Canada - Markham

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2016 13:21 - Netherlands - Ottersum

Today, I got a heads-up that my boss suffered a death in the family, but was coming into work anyway. I thought he'd be depressed, but it seems he deals with grief with anger instead. I found that out when he yelled at me, threatening to rip my spine out my ass over a typo I made in a report. FML

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By zed - 9/9/2012 17:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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By adriana - 1/9/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By walker - 4/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2014 02:00 - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 19/6/2019 21:13

Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

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By Earplugged - 25/1/2015 05:01 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

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By fartmaster - 22/4/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 23:28 - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By cherrycokeee - 6/2/2010 18:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

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By Jazzyfayyye - 29/5/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my boy friend said "you know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2014 16:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was about to sneeze. To avoid getting his new tablet wet, he chose to sneeze right into my face instead. FML

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By meowitzer - 22/4/2020 05:02

All over the place

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 07:36 - Reserved

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

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By fishwizard - 2/6/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

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By lizzie - 27/7/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower I noticed a short, black hair on my loofa. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

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Top comments

By kracker9017 | 0

#16721 - Thursday 5 March 2009 21:33

I heard stabbing them with a fork was the most effective approach

By coolness_fml | 0

#35184 - Monday 16 March 2009 21:30

checking his messages isnt creepy stalker ex gf type shit

Comments

By thepokeduck | 0

#581 - Sunday 8 February 2009 0:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

earthruler | 0

#592745 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 0:45

Yea just to let you know, condoms dont prevent crabs or herpes in any way. They are transferred through skin to skin contact

zac12345 | 0

#954377 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 18:26

she realizes it, thus the hope, which I'm assuming means that it wouldn't matter but it helps for children and all. learned context clues in 2nd grade amirite?

grobo555 | 0

#2470090 - Saturday 7 May 2011 1:37

"Hookups with strangers are okay," if you're a whore.

HenryFBP | 0

#3380266 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:06

Do you even fucking know what crabs are? I mean, holt jumping fuckballs, I'm twelve and I already know that condoms don't protect against crabs.

subiedude08 | 17

#5737589 - Friday 1 November 2013 8:59

Your an idiot you can still get crabs even if u have a condom on

Crimson_Summer | 10

#6007686 - Monday 14 July 2014 12:52

#113 Yes, but it's less likely if it was used correctly.
'The only 100% preventive method is abstinence!' xD

fknhoe | 16

#6553152 - Sunday 6 March 2016 3:56

#113 you're* hate to be that guy but you're a tad hypocritical :)

By 2random | 0

#1034 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:08

i hope u catch everything , u deserve it !

Soniye | 14

#5641484 - Saturday 24 August 2013 10:14

Gee.. I guess everyone must "deserve it and catch everything" for having sex ... Seriously bro (miss) ? Grow up ..

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6251754 - Saturday 4 April 2015 2:56

Not necessarily, but she did screw the guy and then go through his facebook messages afterward.

She should've at least had a conversation with him about it beforehand and also respected his privacy.