Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to...

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Uithoorn

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

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Intimacy

Compassionate management

Call CPS!

The sweet smell of unsuccess

By ;)loganberry(; - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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By lukey101 - 11/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Most likely

Today, I had my half-year performance review. My boss arrived 15 minutes late, paid basically no attention to my presentation, and left 30 minutes early. I guess I’ll go fuck myself then. FML

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By raidered - United States

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

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30424

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

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By Experience - United States - Waynesfield

Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML

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By - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I said yes. This caused him to panic, excuse himself, then take it back via text message a half hour later, claiming he'd been drunk. We live together. When he comes back home, it's going to be very awkward indeed. FML

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By Username

Today, I asked a girl I liked what she was doing tomorrow night. She replied, "Cleaning, so nothing really." I then asked her out to dinner. She declined. FML

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By sorrystupid - United States

Today, a man tried to mug me. I actually apologized to him for not having my wallet on me. FML

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By Screamingfirecracker - Canada

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

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By Anonymousagb - United Arab Emirates

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Woburn

Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

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By maxiflouf - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

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By Korisite - United States

Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML

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46002

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

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73746

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By ppp - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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37071

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 02:01

Shitpants blues

Today, I recently started taking some antidepressants and they have been working really well for me, except for the fact that they have made me crap my pants twice now. Both times in public. FML

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856

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By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

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643

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187

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By str3tch - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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40899

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By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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By JJAnd - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

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By oh shit - United States - Palatine

Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML

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By Quortney - United States

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

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27511

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By onlyme - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

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By thanksjerk - Canada

Today, I was talking with my friend-turned boyfriend and cutely told him that I could no longer remember all the things that he used to do that bothered me. He told me he could remember every one of mine and listed them all off for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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27870

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 05:01

Metal Cat

Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

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By theuglyfriend - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

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By 0h_Boy - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 17:11

Fire hazard

Today, my boyfriend thought it was OK for both of us to leave the house with the oven on. FML

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879

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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32439

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By CreeperKiller2000

Dude! Come on!

Today, I woke up really out of it, and as I was walking into the kitchen, I stubbed my toe on a tile. I sat down, then got up and stubbed the same toe against the table, went over to the kitchen and stubbed the same toe on the same tile again. FML

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By anon13 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

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Top comments

By OffToTheGayBar | 9

#4391886 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:11

BF: Oh, hold your orgasm a second, babe.
OP: Why?
BF: *Texts* I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces.

By KaySL | 24

#4391995 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:30

*grammar

Same to you, you moronic cunt.

COMMENTS

By christ101 | 2

#4391861 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:08

It is ediquette

The_Hitdude | 12

#4391924 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:16

*etiquette

Yerg | 0

#4391979 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:27

Dont be a grammer nazi if you dont know how to spell it either. It just makes you look dumb.

KaySL | 24

#4391995 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:30

*grammar

Same to you, you moronic cunt.

GoW_Chick | 14

#4392007 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:34

Oh thank you! This thread was great I love stupid people. :D

hutch66 | 13

#4392178 - Saturday 5 May 2012 1:16

18- You know what else makes you look dumb? Being a hypocritical idiot

phantumgrey | 6

#4392296 - Saturday 5 May 2012 2:05

People who take their own picture in mirrors are complete morons too!

GoW_Chick | 14

#4392317 - Saturday 5 May 2012 2:17

Ah yes but we are sexy morons ;)

tothenifty | 1

#4392339 - Saturday 5 May 2012 2:27

u have a Barbie pic for ur profile...

cayytee | 0

#4392443 - Saturday 5 May 2012 3:30

yes but that picture is funny.

thatoneguy79 | 10

#4392554 - Saturday 5 May 2012 4:20

Edickette is he proper spelling for this situation.

ohmandapants | 16

#4393013 - Saturday 5 May 2012 6:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

penguin_princess | 0

#4393220 - Saturday 5 May 2012 7:37

Fail. 1 and 18 fail at spelling..

XxchristinasmhxX | 0

#4395595 - Sunday 6 May 2012 0:55

I know this is random but I absolutely love blood on the dance floor to!

amy1_1bee | 0

#4396580 - Sunday 6 May 2012 7:34

Fuckin PWND.

scarletstudies | 0

#4400063 - Monday 7 May 2012 4:17

111- *too

By twinny_sc | 13

#4391873 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:09

What an idiot.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4392399 - Saturday 5 May 2012 3:06

Exactly, such an idiot. Have some respect and stop bothering him with trivial things such as sex when he's in the middle of a text!

spazz666 | 18

#4393853 - Saturday 5 May 2012 15:10

#2- I read this in Hermione Granger's voice.

thiscrazything | 1

#4394916 - Saturday 5 May 2012 19:52

He gives new meaning to the word dick.

By ilulife | 4

#4391876 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:10

Then I hope you got him the hell out of ya

kcutie | 0

#4393211 - Saturday 5 May 2012 7:34

FML? More like F me and the put the phone down ahole!

By doctorhook86 | 24

#4391878 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:10

Texting during sex is never classy, folks.

Nutty4Muffs | 3

#4391897 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:13

Don't text during sex; save lives.

jackassiddy | 8

#4392014 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:36

No kidding.. someone could get rear ended that way. *serious face*

titzenpitzer | 9

#4392030 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:41

You really had to say it, didn't you?

itwasallyellow | 0

#4392779 - Saturday 5 May 2012 5:45

How about sexting during.. Tex? Eh, I tried.

cudi504 | 4

#4393053 - Saturday 5 May 2012 6:38

And you failed.

doctorhook86 | 24

#4393401 - Saturday 5 May 2012 9:44

76 - No matter what the fat white kid says, I still found that funny.

By yadisingh | 5

#4391882 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:10

It's also good etiquette to dump his ass, show him that.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4392593 - Saturday 5 May 2012 4:46

Lmao @ your pic. Stupid Yahoo questions amuse me.

make_me_smile | 4

#4393972 - Saturday 5 May 2012 16:04

Why would u dump someone beacuse they texted during sex? That's not a big enough reason

False_Stupidity | 41

#4395850 - Sunday 6 May 2012 1:38

Because he was texting his EX while having sex... That's just wrong on all levels.

By OffToTheGayBar | 9

#4391886 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:11

BF: Oh, hold your orgasm a second, babe.
OP: Why?
BF: *Texts* I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces.

a88g | 0

#4392162 - Saturday 5 May 2012 1:15

Lmao

ChaoticDreamer21 | 12

#5817434 - Sunday 5 January 2014 9:53

Thank you for the laugh.

By ebonyirony | 29

#4391891 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:12

Perform better? So he won't think of his phone?

ilulife | 4

#4391914 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:15

A good partner wouldn't started texting no matter how good the performance was

doctorhook86 | 24

#4391982 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:27

Be a respectful audience; don't text during a movie, don't text during a concert, and don't text during sex.

pagullarka | 9

#4392043 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:46

Maybe you can give us some pointers

ebonyirony | 29

#4392086 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:56

27- me? I charge extra for groups

iliketurdles | 7

#4392558 - Saturday 5 May 2012 4:27

29, What can you do for..

*takes objects out of pocket*

£2.40, half pack of gum and an elastic band?

p3mguin | 7

#4392583 - Saturday 5 May 2012 4:41

And I'll throw in a penguin, for free, if I'm in too. Bitches love penguins

ChrisG93 | 8

#4393144 - Saturday 5 May 2012 7:13

Hold on let me see what I've got... I'll throw in $2.35, a coupon for some frosted flakes, and a receipt.

Cydadel | 0

#4393509 - Saturday 5 May 2012 12:15

I have only me :( but I think if I do some digging I got like 9 packs of gum.

sm0kinBCBudz | 0

#4393669 - Saturday 5 May 2012 13:29

I got 25$ and a coffe crisp.

p3mguin | 7

#4393965 - Saturday 5 May 2012 15:59

No, to many people. Ditch all of them and a foursome with me, you, and two of my best mating penguins. You know you want to.

ebonyirony | 29

#4402170 - Monday 7 May 2012 14:20

Sold to the penguins

By bebefer | 8

#4391898 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:13

... How did you confront him? Just curious.

girlwithmoodeyes | 0

#4392069 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:51

she uploaded the FML during oral. duh.

bebohacker1 | 4

#4392301 - Saturday 5 May 2012 2:06

/ nice lol.
Either that or she checked into facebook...

By rubberduckie94 | 13

#4391899 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:13

She must have not taken the tracking device out of his dick and knew he was up to something.

By btstig | 11

#4391909 - Saturday 5 May 2012 0:14

Should have tried to work up a three way. You only needed one more.