Today, after my boyfriend told me I didn’t have to worry about...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 268

You deserved it 33

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 134

17/08/2019 00:01

Today, after my boyfriend told me I didn’t have to worry about the ex who kept commenting on his pictures, I saw him sexting her when I leaned forward to tell him something from the back of our friend's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 191

Best teeth in the game

DIY FML

I don't need a Xanny to feel better

12/09/2011 04:53

Today, I was talking to my ex. After pouring my heart out to her, saying we were meant for each other, she looked at me and said, "Don't bother, I've already slept with your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 508

You deserved it 5 475

29/10/2010 06:12

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 316

You deserved it 3 120

25/06/2019 12:00

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 835

You deserved it 413

03/08/2016 18:50

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 631

You deserved it 1 392

09/04/2014 05:17

Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I did with my pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 592

You deserved it 50 346

Help!

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 11:25

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 868

You deserved it 6 396

Revenge is sweet yogurt

By Doomed - 24/07/2021 08:02

Today, my coworker made up a story about me “sexually harassing” her and filed a complaint to my boss. All because I took the last plastic spoon from the breakroom, and she couldn’t eat her yogurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 72

07/08/2013 20:55

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 017

You deserved it 5 667

31/08/2015 17:17

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 768

You deserved it 2 045

22/05/2011 19:50

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 570

You deserved it 3 244

04/02/2009 17:40

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 995

You deserved it 45 377

15/11/2014 00:11

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 778

You deserved it 3 140

31/05/2019 00:00

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 161

15/03/2013 18:05

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 991

You deserved it 5 344

Pokéman gone

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 08:01

Today, I thought a cute and well-dressed guy, with a mask matching his shoes, was taking a picture of me. Flattered, I approached him. Turns out, he was playing Pokémon Go and was just trying to catch a “Geodude.” He also blurted out that he was gay. He's into dudes and Geodudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 516

06/02/2009 22:51

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 603

You deserved it 2 458

24/01/2012 11:47

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 701

You deserved it 2 949

07/03/2011 06:16

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 220

You deserved it 11 175

21/10/2015 02:02

Today, my dryer broke in the middle of drying my essential work clothes. This resulted in me wearing partially-dried pants to work today. As a nanny I have encountered diaper rashes before, just not on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 164

You deserved it 1 803

Red flag

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 16:03

Today, my boyfriend and I went clothes shopping for an upcoming wedding trip to Mexico. He wanted a dressing room fashion show to approve what I would buy. I’m 40. Last time I did this, I was in grade school. Maybe I shouldn’t go on the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 155

25/09/2014 05:48

Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 839

You deserved it 6 778

Huge balls

By Anonymous - 10/10/2021 19:04

Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 095

You deserved it 64

09/09/2011 09:59

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 168

You deserved it 4 812

Transference

By KayBee - 30/01/2021 02:00

Today, my psychiatrist of 6 years suddenly and out of nowhere told me I need to see someone else. She gave me the equivalent of the "it's not you it's me' speech." Actually her assistant told me via email. I basically got broken up with by someone I was paying a lot of money to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 93

15/06/2014 06:31

Today, I had a date with a man who works as a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder during dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 767

You deserved it 6 767

My anal beads

By Anonymous - 16/11/2019 18:00

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 2 034

21/12/2009 05:20

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 386

You deserved it 3 153

17/08/2014 15:19

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 255

You deserved it 7 148

30/09/2010 05:31

Today, I changed all my plans, after months of him begging me to, so I could go to the same university as my long-term boyfriend. After I sent in my deposit, he told me we couldn't live together in college because I was "invading his space." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 346

You deserved it 14 134

Different goals

By Baby bird - 23/05/2021 11:01

Today, I asked my husband if it was a good time to think about having kids. His response was, "ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NEVER." I’ve always wanted to be a mom and he knows that. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 423

You deserved it 534

26/03/2019 18:00

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 903

You deserved it 248

24/09/2010 11:25

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 052

You deserved it 75 173

05/01/2013 02:04

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 738

You deserved it 6 427

23/02/2009 10:35

Today, I was working my shift and my ex girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She broke up with me for another guy so i can't stand being in the same room as her. The manager talked to her and decided to hire her on the spot. I need to train her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 231

You deserved it 3 275

11/05/2012 05:03

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 140

You deserved it 3 202

21/02/2010 01:53

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 993

You deserved it 32 651

01/06/2009 20:11

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 477

You deserved it 64 662

29/08/2013 02:21

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 869

You deserved it 2 923

16/01/2011 19:27

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 329

You deserved it 4 637

22/08/2012 22:22

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 342

You deserved it 2 976

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Top comments

123Puppy 32

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Saturday 17 August 2019 1:16

I hope he’s your ex boyfriend now. I’m sorry that happened to you. :(

Ambrily 27

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Saturday 17 August 2019 3:53

Does she know he's with you now? If she does, let him go back to her, they deserve each other, and you deserve a lot better.

Comments

EmDizzle2007 28

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Saturday 17 August 2019 1:02

need a hug??

Supafly666 5

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Saturday 17 August 2019 1:03

I suppose its better finding out now, rather than later.

123Puppy 32

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Saturday 17 August 2019 1:16

I hope he’s your ex boyfriend now. I’m sorry that happened to you. :(

NPDclusterBaware 8

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Saturday 17 August 2019 3:36

That was poor of him to do. My Cluster B personality disordered brother did the same thing to his ex.

Ambrily 27

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Saturday 17 August 2019 3:53

Does she know he's with you now? If she does, let him go back to her, they deserve each other, and you deserve a lot better.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 17 August 2019 4:41

Did you expect him to tell you to worry about her? No one would ever say that!

TxKitten79 10

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Saturday 17 August 2019 16:39

Sweetie. he's already lied and been decietful. He will eventually physically cheat. It's time for him to be your Ex-boyfriend.

Miss_Kat 7

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Saturday 17 August 2019 17:34

ex* boyfriend...

zoelog 10

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Saturday 17 August 2019 20:12

I hope he is no longer your boyfriend.

Zotti 11

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Saturday 17 August 2019 20:49

hope dumped his lying ass