Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me,...

By screwed.over - 10/10/2009 23:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML

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Intimacy

Live dumping

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 21:59 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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By MyLife - 6/2/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

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By whitedevil - 9/10/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML

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By SadFace - 7/3/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 08:14 - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 10:01 - United States - Austin

Today, I came home to a flooded apartment and water still pouring from the ceiling. The woman who lives above me is shocked that I would consider her responsible for the damage and doesn't think she should have to pay for it. FML

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By boob sisters - 2/7/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

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By Emmy - 2/10/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML

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By Manly Sneeze - 7/7/2016 11:34

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

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By HR nightmare - 2/12/2016 05:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - 16/8/2012 19:28 - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

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By Kev - 20/8/2014 17:53 - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2014 05:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

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By fuckdubstep51 - 21/7/2012 22:49 - United States - Willingboro

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 14:00

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2011 11:47 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2011 12:53 - United States

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 20:00

Increase school funding, please?

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 11:12 - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2017 06:00 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2015 05:42 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's been 3 days since I moved into my new house. I'm already known as the neighborhood racist, after some dicksplash thought it'd be funny to tape a sign to my door overnight that said: "DO NOT RING IF YOU ARE A NEGRO AND/OR JEW." FML

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By foxownerapperantly - 7/6/2015 21:48 - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

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By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - 28/10/2015 01:34 - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

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By barfyshirt - 6/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

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By heya - 24/12/2012 10:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

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By Badkitty14 - 9/8/2012 20:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Issues

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend asked me what he should get his mother for her birthday. FML

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By decenthumanbeing - 14/7/2016 13:13

Today, I entered a restaurant just to use the WiFi. In order not to look cheap, I ordered a meal and a beverage. The WiFi didn't work and now I don't have enough money to buy dinner. FML

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By Tyler - 25/8/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

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By Kitty Lover - 11/6/2016 19:04 - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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By ummmmEW - 13/2/2010 00:04 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

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By goinginsane - 6/5/2011 07:25

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

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By collegestudent - 20/9/2019 02:01

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

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By Autocorrected - 4/3/2012 05:02 - Philippines

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

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By Me - 20/6/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2011 11:22 - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

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By disgusted - 13/12/2015 07:45 - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 15:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML

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Top comments

By NathanKett | 0

#615212 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:45

He meant your anal virginity. so stop being such a tight ass and let him loosen it for you

By brkn_hearted | 0

#615000 - Sunday 11 October 2009 9:18

:( that sucks yo... i'd slap him and dump him, but that's just me =/ oh yeah, and call him a dirty whore

Comments

By brkn_hearted | 0

#615000 - Sunday 11 October 2009 9:18

:( that sucks yo... i'd slap him and dump him, but that's just me =/ oh yeah, and call him a dirty whore

v8rax | 0

#2290962 - Monday 4 April 2011 6:07

lmao

By sadiesykes | 0

#615069 - Sunday 11 October 2009 10:08

ouchh :( what a prick dump him

By Ninjaface | 0

#615093 - Sunday 11 October 2009 10:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hardcoreFML4223 | 0

#2810909 - Sunday 3 July 2011 5:37

wow

By braziliangirl777 | 0

#615153 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By CheshireHalli | 19

#615154 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:07

Ouch. That /really/ sucks.

By ladiesman14 | 0

#615163 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:11

are you sure he broke your hyman ? ive had non- virgin girls who told me i broke their hymans. if course i do have 9 inch johnson. maybe thats it.

steph87_fml | 0

#2613592 - Friday 3 June 2011 19:16

guys who brag about there junk are lying you prob have a three inch worm.

olive47_fml | 0

#2652692 - Friday 10 June 2011 5:20

lol worm xD

Megan70_fml | 6

#3007233 - Sunday 31 July 2011 8:51

I definitely agree with steph!

Drummer389000 | 0

#3626129 - Wednesday 23 November 2011 21:33

Way to brag about your Johnson. :P

By NathanKett | 0

#615212 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

miss_madison | 10

#5341279 - Saturday 26 January 2013 21:00

Or maybe he meant he wanted to role play she was a virgin. That way he could take it over and over and over and over and over…

By DirtyDiana_fml | 0

#615246 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:12

# 7 that was flippin' hilarious. ily

By DirtyDiana_fml | 0

#615250 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:14

#6 stfu cause the hyman is usually broken when doing every day activity like, riding a bike, or other everyday activities. so it's not that deep, therefore you wouldn't need a 9 inch penis, therefore those girls are dumb shits, there gassing your already stupid head, or you're bullshitting. Hmmm which one?

SoreThroat | 0

#617693 - Monday 12 October 2009 20:37

Or he's joking his ass off. XD

By WonderBlunder | 0

#615298 - Sunday 11 October 2009 14:02

lol #6.. your parents must be so proud of ur "Johnson"..