Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me,...

By screwed.over - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML

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Intimacy

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Thanks for the miracle

Understanding

By dream1334 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

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38241

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By Ellie - United States

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

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By disgusted - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

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By Forge - United States - Taylor

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

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By nicholascageonyourface - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

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By great - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML

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By Akashi - 22/7/2020 14:00

Nutfirecracker

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and his legs were on my lap. We heard a loud firework from somewhere outside our window, we both jumped and I felt the pain of him kicking me in the nuts. FML

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By failedmusician - New Zealand

Today, my band went to play a set for the first time. I'm the drummer. All was going well, and then before our first song I threw the sticks in the air, went to catch them, and one hit me right in the eye. I couldn't continue playing. Now I have to wear an eyepatch. FML

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By RingAroundThe..SPLAT - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

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By bluedevil26 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 20:00

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

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By CathyM - United States

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

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By redeye - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 05:00

Stir crazy, part 16

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By Anonymous

"At least you've got a job" - Mr. Missingthepoint

Today, I drove an hour to work, did nothing for 8 hours, drove an hour back, and then studied for 4 hours. This has been happening for weeks. FML

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By pokèscared - 10/3/2020 05:00

Go away

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

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By smbcolorado - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By claira

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

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By N1ch0la1 - South Africa

Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

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By grandlisleguy - 3/2/2020 21:00 - United States - Colchester

Pinky

Today, I was at the office making copies for a project. As I left the copy room my dress pants caught a sharp something on the door frame and ripped open my pants. All my co-workers saw my pink boxer briefs. Now I'm called "Pinky" by everyone. FML

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By prettybich - United States

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

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By forever_young - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By Kenny - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

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By Millar - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I witnessed a postal worker with an important parcel stopping before knocking on my door, shrugging, getting back in his van, and driving away. I couldn't get the door open quickly enough before he left. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

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Top comments

By NathanKett | 0

#615212 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:45

He meant your anal virginity. so stop being such a tight ass and let him loosen it for you

By brkn_hearted | 0

#615000 - Sunday 11 October 2009 9:18

:( that sucks yo... i'd slap him and dump him, but that's just me =/ oh yeah, and call him a dirty whore

COMMENTS

By brkn_hearted | 0

#615000 - Sunday 11 October 2009 9:18

:( that sucks yo... i'd slap him and dump him, but that's just me =/ oh yeah, and call him a dirty whore

v8rax | 0

#2290962 - Monday 4 April 2011 6:07

lmao

By sadiesykes | 0

#615069 - Sunday 11 October 2009 10:08

ouchh :( what a prick dump him

By Ninjaface | 0

#615093 - Sunday 11 October 2009 10:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hardcoreFML4223 | 0

#2810909 - Sunday 3 July 2011 5:37

wow

By braziliangirl777 | 0

#615153 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By CheshireHalli | 19

#615154 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:07

Ouch. That /really/ sucks.

By ladiesman14 | 0

#615163 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:11

are you sure he broke your hyman ? ive had non- virgin girls who told me i broke their hymans. if course i do have 9 inch johnson. maybe thats it.

steph87_fml | 0

#2613592 - Friday 3 June 2011 19:16

guys who brag about there junk are lying you prob have a three inch worm.

olive47_fml | 0

#2652692 - Friday 10 June 2011 5:20

lol worm xD

Megan70_fml | 6

#3007233 - Sunday 31 July 2011 8:51

I definitely agree with steph!

Drummer389000 | 0

#3626129 - Wednesday 23 November 2011 21:33

Way to brag about your Johnson. :P

By NathanKett | 0

#615212 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

miss_madison | 10

#5341279 - Saturday 26 January 2013 21:00

Or maybe he meant he wanted to role play she was a virgin. That way he could take it over and over and over and over and over…

By DirtyDiana_fml | 0

#615246 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:12

# 7 that was flippin' hilarious. ily

By DirtyDiana_fml | 0

#615250 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:14

#6 stfu cause the hyman is usually broken when doing every day activity like, riding a bike, or other everyday activities. so it's not that deep, therefore you wouldn't need a 9 inch penis, therefore those girls are dumb shits, there gassing your already stupid head, or you're bullshitting. Hmmm which one?

SoreThroat | 0

#617693 - Monday 12 October 2009 20:37

Or he's joking his ass off. XD

By WonderBlunder | 0

#615298 - Sunday 11 October 2009 14:02

lol #6.. your parents must be so proud of ur "Johnson"..