Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me,...

By screwed.over - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML

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Intimacy

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Packaging

By my arms hurt - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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By maddie - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

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By ? - United States

Today, while I was in confession, I was saying my sins and the priest called me a "pain in the ass." FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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By micahmatt - United States

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

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By Fiancé problemsss - United States - Billings

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

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By Notasinner - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By notsoclean - United States

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

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By no paedo - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By regected - United States

Today, I went to the movies with the girl I liked. She kept on eating my popcorn so I whispered in her ear "Pretty soon your going to have to repay me with kisses." Then she looked at me and walked out the theatre. She came back with a bucket of popcorn and said "Here, you're repaid." FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

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By PoorMe - United States

Today, I muted the TV just in time to hear my mom yell at my dad about how their sex life is "non-existent". FML

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By Xav_Cad - France

Today, I found a deodorant spray underneath the counter of the snack place I work in, so give it a try to see what it smells like. It's currently the high season, and so I have quite a few clients standing in line in front of me, but it seems they'll now have to wait a couple of days for the restaurant to have all the remnants of the CS gas spray cleaned up. FML

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By Idiot

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By siciliano12594 - United States - Harrison

Today, I learned that last week, the UPS man gave my package to my neighbor for safekeeping. It was over five-hundred dollars' worth of merchandise. My neighbor left for Canada on Saturday. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was brutally tackled and detained by a group of people until the police arrived, because I fit the description of a wanted criminal who was featured on the news. This isn't the first time this has happened, and no style change I've tried has been able to avert it. FML

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By lonely girl - United States

Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML

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By feeling single - United States - Burbank

Today, it's been so long since I heard from him, I had to look at my boyfriend's Facebook page to see if we're still in a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Property dispute

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

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By MissTrix - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

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By blob - United States - Framingham

Today, my mom refused to sign me up for a CPR class, reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking, I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect". I need the class to graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 20:00

Cute nickname

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

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By MandMandM - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By SHIT-BREATH - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By bluesox4 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Jackey

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

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Top comments

By NathanKett | 0

#615212 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:45

He meant your anal virginity. so stop being such a tight ass and let him loosen it for you

By brkn_hearted | 0

#615000 - Sunday 11 October 2009 9:18

:( that sucks yo... i'd slap him and dump him, but that's just me =/ oh yeah, and call him a dirty whore

COMMENTS

By brkn_hearted | 0

#615000 - Sunday 11 October 2009 9:18

:( that sucks yo... i'd slap him and dump him, but that's just me =/ oh yeah, and call him a dirty whore

v8rax | 0

#2290962 - Monday 4 April 2011 6:07

lmao

By sadiesykes | 0

#615069 - Sunday 11 October 2009 10:08

ouchh :( what a prick dump him

By Ninjaface | 0

#615093 - Sunday 11 October 2009 10:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hardcoreFML4223 | 0

#2810909 - Sunday 3 July 2011 5:37

wow

By braziliangirl777 | 0

#615153 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By CheshireHalli | 19

#615154 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:07

Ouch. That /really/ sucks.

By ladiesman14 | 0

#615163 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:11

are you sure he broke your hyman ? ive had non- virgin girls who told me i broke their hymans. if course i do have 9 inch johnson. maybe thats it.

steph87_fml | 0

#2613592 - Friday 3 June 2011 19:16

guys who brag about there junk are lying you prob have a three inch worm.

olive47_fml | 0

#2652692 - Friday 10 June 2011 5:20

lol worm xD

Megan70_fml | 6

#3007233 - Sunday 31 July 2011 8:51

I definitely agree with steph!

Drummer389000 | 0

#3626129 - Wednesday 23 November 2011 21:33

Way to brag about your Johnson. :P

By NathanKett | 0

#615212 - Sunday 11 October 2009 12:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

miss_madison | 10

#5341279 - Saturday 26 January 2013 21:00

Or maybe he meant he wanted to role play she was a virgin. That way he could take it over and over and over and over and over…

By DirtyDiana_fml | 0

#615246 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:12

# 7 that was flippin' hilarious. ily

By DirtyDiana_fml | 0

#615250 - Sunday 11 October 2009 13:14

#6 stfu cause the hyman is usually broken when doing every day activity like, riding a bike, or other everyday activities. so it's not that deep, therefore you wouldn't need a 9 inch penis, therefore those girls are dumb shits, there gassing your already stupid head, or you're bullshitting. Hmmm which one?

SoreThroat | 0

#617693 - Monday 12 October 2009 20:37

Or he's joking his ass off. XD

By WonderBlunder | 0

#615298 - Sunday 11 October 2009 14:02

lol #6.. your parents must be so proud of ur "Johnson"..