Intimacy: Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 17:15 - Nepal

Spicy

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 539

You deserved it 33 606

Dysfunctional

The smell detective is on the case

Mama's boy

By Anonymous - 20/09/2012 12:31 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my 28-year-old husband's gamer rage is when I came home to a smashed TV. This is the second TV in three months that he's destroyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 985

You deserved it 4 417

By Jo - 21/11/2012 05:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the Apple store to try and figure out what's going on with my iPhone. After an hour of speaking to three different geniuses and waiting around, their solution was to "Google it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 823

You deserved it 3 938

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 09:35 - Australia

Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 299

You deserved it 3 105

By Anna - 02/07/2016 21:08 - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 250

You deserved it 1 826

Missed opportunities

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 08:01

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 236

By horribleevening - 31/01/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 492

You deserved it 257

By LightsOut - 03/05/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 472

You deserved it 3 118

Issues

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 04:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me I’m clearly turning into my mother. I turned round to have a go at him when I stopped, thought about it, and realised he’s completely right. I’m just like her. Now I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I want booze, a relaxing bath or a really long, ugly crying session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 494

You deserved it 380

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 964

You deserved it 6 992

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 623

You deserved it 6 640

By Anonymous - 18/04/2013 23:08 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told the guy I've liked since we were children that I'm madly in love with him. He replied with, "Aw, I love you too, as a sister." I was speechless. He patted me on the back and said, "Better luck next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 965

You deserved it 6 549

By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Poquoson

Today, I was visiting a family member at a women's prison. The staff wanted to search me, basically claiming that my breasts looked suspiciously disproportionate, implying I was smuggling something in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 324

You deserved it 4 219

By man2 - 23/09/2010 11:18 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 005

You deserved it 4 033

By DrunkenValor - 06/09/2009 04:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 180

You deserved it 3 452

By Andrew - 29/06/2009 10:31 - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 964

You deserved it 5 423

Oddball

By Fatherless - 24/06/2021 18:00

Today, the guy I’ve been dating told me to lose his number and never see him again all because I told him I grew up without a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 45

By nothing_nobody - 23/06/2016 01:31

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 523

You deserved it 1 938

By Anonymous - 27/10/2017 06:03

Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 195

You deserved it 2 614

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 00:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 809

You deserved it 5 380

By lol - 25/01/2012 15:54 - Canada

Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 024

You deserved it 30 304

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 139

By littleman - 06/04/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 372

You deserved it 2 972

Taking the piss

By allie - 31/05/2021 22:01

Today, my mom forced me to take a drug test while she watched. I couldn’t do it due to nerves, so she grounded me because, "there's no way I would be nervous unless I was doing drugs." Nope, just a shy bladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 87

By Anon - 15/05/2015 13:58 - United States - Lakeville

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 140

You deserved it 4 041

By junior - 11/04/2010 08:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 222

You deserved it 46 278

By seriousdubsteplover - 30/10/2009 05:08 - Australia

Today, when going to fill up the kettle, I noticed a bad smell and pieces of something coming out of the tap. Turns out there was a dead snake in my water supply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 564

You deserved it 2 154

By get a grip, son - 30/05/2014 20:37 - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 105

You deserved it 10 814

He has issues

By just a joke - 08/06/2020 20:08

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 553

You deserved it 323

By unwanted - 11/08/2009 20:31 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 034

You deserved it 6 542

By Yum - 03/12/2008 07:26 - France

Spicy

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 868

You deserved it 19 107

By Anonymous - 21/05/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 719

You deserved it 59 832

By cls_x - 24/02/2013 07:53 - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 337

You deserved it 4 003

By Anonymous - 19/03/2016 12:30 - United States

Today, my roommate used my PC without asking. Long story short, it's now infected with ransomware. The dissertation I've been working on for months is now encrypted, along with all the backups on my second hard drive. Now I have to pay the hackers $1,500 to get the decryption key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 381

You deserved it 2 098

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 08:23

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 907

You deserved it 486

Mask confusion

By clairebear99 - 08/06/2021 08:01

Today, my coworker screamed at me for once again calling her by a different coworker's name. They have the same hair, skin color, and body type, so I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to tell them apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 1 378

By Iguana - 12/09/2012 02:35 - Canada - Oromocto

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 659

You deserved it 28 637

Stay classy, bro

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 02:02

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 132

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 11:37 - Australia

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 028

You deserved it 6 025

By Anonymous - 05/06/2015 18:05 - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 823

You deserved it 2 598

By mapollis - 20/01/2010 07:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time, and all I could say was: "Can I have my parking permit back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 352

You deserved it 31 774

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Top comments

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:05

Because this is totally the thing to say in a text message.

thelargestidiot 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:05

I know where he is coming from; my girlfriend uses me for sex too

Comments

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:01

first lol

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:10

I can't say first? wow

pcakewafflebacon 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:55

call of booty is my favorite game

BlackAlcH3Mist 3

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Saturday 16 October 2010 4:54

wats a booty call

FMLsohardithurts 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 5:09

LMFAO

stephanie0613 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 7:42

Why would you text him that in the first place. you two are obviously not together for a reason, and by the sound of it he's a total jackass.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 9:44

I like Jackass 3D movie

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Saturday 16 October 2010 19:45

Was it?

FMLsohardithurts 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:02

second:) btw seriously ? ouch.

R2d6 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:07

HAHAHAHAHA that made my day.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 9:48

lmao!! dude!!

xxrogerthatxx 19

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Wednesday 6 November 2013 23:07

Because it probably was:

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:05

Because this is totally the thing to say in a text message.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:27

your picture will give me nightmares.

hairt 4

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Saturday 16 October 2010 3:56

Same here :(

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Saturday 16 October 2010 14:21

excellent *taps fingers together*

thecrazyasian 3

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Sunday 17 October 2010 9:03

lol where's it from MSG me I won't remember to check here XD

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Tuesday 19 October 2010 6:47

3 come on you douchebag why he fuck would u put that creepy ass pic from youtube on here? sir your a careless asshole. might as well set a blue waffle as your pic, what a retard.

thelargestidiot 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:05

I know where he is coming from; my girlfriend uses me for sex too

FMLsohardithurts 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:09

I hope it's good sex, and at least your getting some

crazy4frogz132 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:45

your girlfriend? or ex girlfriend? lmao

thelargestidiot 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 1:58

Current girlfriend. and @#7 the sex is great for her, just meh for me.

FMLsohardithurts 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 5:12

Meh??? US THAT ANYWAY TO TALK ABIUT SEX???!!!??? IF ITS MEH GO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!! A KOALA MAYBE!!

perdix 29

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:08

Why, yes. Yes, it is. You may couch it in terms of love and romance and affection, but in reality, it's just a booty call. If a guy doesn't want to give up his booty to you, he must really hate you. Even if he mildly disliked you, he wouldn't pass up the chance for some sex.

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:10

He may hate her. . .or maybe he's just in another relationship now or even was annoyed that he ever dated someone dumb enough to do this.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:17

Well perdix, I disagree.

perdix 29

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Saturday 16 October 2010 4:59

DeathShad0, Why do you disagree? I'd like to hear.

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Sunday 17 October 2010 5:33

What perdix says goes.

purplepillow467 3

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:18

well I can't really blame him it's word and random to jut text him " heyI love you"

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:23

There's always a reason they are an ex. But, at least he was honest about what he'd want out of any 'reunion'.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 9:04

lol "I smoke in moderation; only one cigar at a time." - mark twain (this was a random quote)

drawing_a_blank 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:23

It sounds like that's all you were to begin with.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:04

In order for him to have said that , you must have some sort of reputation?

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:12

Why would he even assume such a thing?

Nearly

Today, I have to do a science presentation in approximately 10 minutes. I didn’t do the assignment or make a PowerPoint cause I stayed up all night trying to do my French homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 13

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 254

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 160